As We Fall Apart
by Karma1987
Summary: "Emily is Emily because Lorelai left". A pre series tale covering Emily's take on how and why the Gilmore family fell apart and the impact Lorelai leaving had on Emily's life
1. Prologue - Tears because what else

**Disclaimer: We know the drill by now, all the characters are owned by the people who own them. Just my musings, so I'm grateful to be able to borrow them to clean out the plot bunnys that won't leave following the rewatch before the revival.**

 **AN - A companion piece of sorts to A New Phase, exploring some of the things that Emily and Lorelai spoke of in that story. You do not have had to read that for this, though you might want to read it after because it's much fluffier then this will be. This story is told from Emily's perspective following Lorelai's pregnancy with Rory and beyond. Hope you enjoy, let me know what you think**

 **Prologue**

Emily opened her eyes as she heard the sound of her husband's sob. It was muffled by the dressing room door. But it was the loudest sound in the world. It stabbed at her, making her squirming insides freeze and jar in pain. Richard Gilmore never cried. No that wasn't true. Richard never cried in front of her. That wasn't true either. He had only cried in front of her once. He had only cried in front of her when he had held their baby girl for the first time and his joy had overcome him. The other times, when he cried in sadness and grief he did that alone. He wouldn't let her see him as weak. He had to be the strong one. He was the provider. That was his job. Emily slowly sat up in the bed. She had been pretending to sleep hoping that the darkness would bring her comfort and she would eventually succumb to slumber. She was lying to herself. Just as if she was honest herself that she had been lying to herself for the past few weeks. Deep down she had known something was wrong. Deep down she had known what was wrong. Deep down she had known the news their fifteen year old daughter had delivered to them today had been coming. She'd just ignored the signs she herself had suffered, ignored Lorelai and what she was suffering, because to face her to actually see it, would meant she had to face up to it. Had to face up that she had failed her baby girl. Just as she had failed the others. Emily ran her hand across her face. She was too young. For a moment she wasn't sure if she was thinking about Lorelai or herself. You don't have babies when they are sixteen, you don't become a grandmother at 42. People her and Richard's age had babies. It was just…it was… With great effort she pushed herself from the bed and stumbled across to the dressing room. She slipped inside. Richard didn't even look up. He was sobbing, his hands wet with tears. Emily collapsed to the floor beside him, she felt too heavy to walk. Everything was too much. Her head came to rest on his knee. After a moment one of Richards's tear soaked hands fell onto the back of her head, his fingers twisting her long hair around his thick fingers. Normally she would find it comforting. Nothing could comfort them now. She gave a soft gasp of surprise as Richard suddenly grabbed her, lifting her off the floor and pulling her onto his lap. He buried his head into her chest, his sobbing started afresh. Emily wrapped her arms around Richard as best she could and rested her head on his. She started to cry. Thick fat tears rolling down her cheek and onto Richard's hair. In the back of her mind she knew she should be down the hall in the bedroom comforting her terrified fifteen year old daughter. But she couldn't. Not tonight. Tonight she had to try and comprehend what was happening. She had to be with Richard as they grieved over their failure as parents. Their little girl was pregnant. A month shy of her sixteenth birthday and she was pregnant. Her life was over. Emily wasn't sure if she meant her own or Lorelai's.


	2. Chapter 1 - It will not happen!

**AN - Guest 1 - Thanks! The plan is to cover quite a time period 84-92 it's about 11 chapters with an epilogue (which is post pilot) though the first half is 84-86, Emily's pregnancies do get touched on across the chapters when Lorelai is pregnant. How Emily feels or more importantly why she does some of the things she does ;).**

 **Sara: Thank you, yeah it is sad, v sad in places tbh :( There is quite a bit of Lorelai**

 **Hope you guys like this so the story begins proper. The xXx are scene breaks if you will. Let me know what you think  
**

 **Chapter 1 – It will not happen**

Emily glanced sideways as she felt Lorelai shift further down in the seat beside her. Her daughter was slumped down as low as possible in the seat as she could without actually falling out of the chair. She wasn't sure if Lorelai was in the process of starting to act out or if her daughter was distressed by what she had just had to endure. Part of her wondered if it was both. Emily forced herself to look away from her daughter. Any appearance of critique would start a battle, and Emily did not have the energy for that. It had been hard enough to get Lorelai to get in the car with her to come to the doctors. Emily hated this doctor's office. She had been in it many a time over the last twenty years and whilst Dr Fenlon was an excellent OBGYN it didn't hold many good memories. They were not seeing the Dr Fenlon today, instead one of his younger associates in an emergency appointment. The receptionist had insisted that it was not an emergency but Emily had done what she did best and got her own way.

Lorelai had not wanted to come, nor had she wanted Emily in the examination room, but yet again Emily had been insistent, her daughter was still a minor, and as much as Lorelai thought she knew what she was doing she had had no idea what the examination entailed. The only way Emily had managed to get Lorelai to not start yelling at her was by turning the chair to face away from the table while the nurse and young doctor had carried out their tests. Her daughter had been sweetness and light to the young doctor complying with his wishes as she was weighed, measured and had her blood taken. When the doctor had told Lorelai he was going to do an internal examination and asked Lorelai to get into position, Lorelai had hesitated but done as she was told. Emily had shifted in her chair, watching the doctor out of her peripheral vision, studying him intently. When the internal had begun Lorelai had gasped out, 'Mom!' and her hand had reached out for Emily in fear. Emily had turned and taken it without hesitation. The moment the doctor had finished Lorelai had released her grip, Emily had held on a beat too long and earned herself a scowl from her daughter.

She had always been jealous of her daughter's beautiful blue eyes, amazed about how the colour could change and flash with life, joy, laughter and mostly when directed at her anger. It was fascinating to watch Lorelai's emotions dancing across her irises for all to see. Emily always felt like her own dark brown eyes seemed so boring in comparison. Most of the time she felt like you couldn't see where the pupils ended and the irises began. Richard always told her otherwise. Emily was glad that he was the only one who could see the subtle changes in her eyes. Today especially. She was working too hard to keep her emotions in check, she didn't want her eyes giving her away, any further then the seemingly impossibly deep stress lines that were etched around her eyes already did.

Both of them looked up as the door opened and the doctor entered. Emily straightened in her chair, Lorelai didn't. Emily didn't have the energy to chastise her and tell her to sit up straight.

"Right, well Lorelai everything appears as it should." The doctor sat in his chair and Emily stared at him like he was an idiot. If everything appeared as it should her fifteen year old wouldn't be pregnant. She held her tongue. "We just need to date your pregnancy. Do you remember the date of your last menstruation?" The doctor continued, apparently oblivious to the fact that Emily was staring daggers at him.

Lorelai mumbled something and gave a despondent shrug, after a moment she glanced at Emily and then repeated her mumble at an audible level. "I know when it happened."

"You know the date of conception?" the doctor asked.

"Give or take," Lorelai shrugged once more. "Well we did it once in November and then at the Christmas party which was like December 15t or something and then after midterms in January and then a couple of weeks ago at the Spring fling thing but that's probably too late…" Lorelai trailed off and glanced at her mother once more before becoming very interested in her chipped nail polish.

Emily tried to swallow but it felt as if her heart had just moved into her throat. The Christmas party. Her Christmas Party. Lorelai had had sex during her Christmas party. Whilst they had been entertaining friends and colleagues her daughter had been doing _that_ somewhere in the house. And the Spring Fling had been a club function. She had been so busy playing keeping up with the Joneses she hadn't even noticed Lorelai missing from the event. Emily tried to speak but she couldn't seem to find the appropriate words to form into a sentence.

The doctor broke her brain freeze by asking Lorelai a question about the date of her midterms.

"Like January 16th through 21st or something," Lorelai shrugged once more.

"That's the most likely conception window based on the information we have here." The doctor studied the information in front of him on the chart. "I would suggest that makes Lorelai about 14 or 15 weeks pregnant."

Emily's mouth dropped open in surprise. Given the weight gain she had observed in Lorelai when her daughter was examined she had expected Lorelai to be further along than a few weeks but 14 or 15 weeks! That was the second trimester. Her heart dropped from her throat to her heels. Her brain flittering across the knowledge that Lorelai had already passed the 12 week milestone. Not that it meant anything. Lorelai and the doctor were talking about something else but her ears didn't seem to be able to discern sound.

The movement as Lorelai rose from her seat finally shocked Emily's brain to work once more.  
"Mom?" Lorelai stared at her strangely.

"I need to speak with the doctor," Emily cleared her throat trying to make her voice sound steady. "Please wait outside." She looked up at her daughter. The scowl she hated so much had fallen across her daughter's face. "Lorelai please."

Lorelai mumbled something and stomped out the room. The door wasn't slammed and for that Emily was grateful. She made eye contact with the young doctor in front her of. "My daughter is healthy?"

"Yes, she is, everything appears normal. She's booked in and the ultrasound service will be in touch to arrange a scan but based on everything I see here she is in good health." The doctor smiled and made to get up but Emily held her hand up.

"I…Is problems with…" she pressed her lips together and closed her eyes forcing her brain and lips to work properly so she could spit out what she wanted to say. "I suffered 5 miscarriages."

"Oh. I'm sorry Mrs Gilmore," The doctor settled back into his seat and studied her solemnly. "Lorelai has passed the first trimester it is unlikely…"

"Three of them were late term," Emily interrupted. Her fists clenched and her nails dug into the flesh on her palm. "Between weeks 20 and 22. The final one I had a stitch put in or around the…um…the opening of the uterus," the details of the procedure eluded her and she looked at the doctor hopeful that he would understand, "it didn't work. That will not happen to Lorelai!"

"There is nothing to indicate it will Mrs Gilmore. Lorelai is…"

"No!" Emily stood up. "It will not happen. I do not want platitudes. It will not happen. Everything that needs to be done to ensure my grandchild is born healthy will be done."

"Of course Mrs Gilmore," The doctor rose. "You were treated by this practice?"

"Yes," Emily nodded.

"May I have your permission to look at your records?"

Emily nodded dumbly. If letting this young man read her medical records prevented Lorelai from having to suffer the same terrible fate that she had done then she would allow it. "I will be at her next appointment. Thank you doctor." Her etiquette forced her politeness despite her brain not functioning properly.

She slipped out of the room. Her legs felt like they would give out from beneath her. She seemed incapable of movement, of breathing, of rational thought. She placed her hand against the wall to steady herself. She had lost her composure in this hallway once before. But then she had had Richard. Her wonderful strong dependable Richard holding her, keeping her safe, telling her it was OK that they couldn't have any more children. That it didn't matter that the doctor had told them not to try. That her health was more important than trying for another baby. That because they had Lorelai and he had her it was enough. It had never felt like enough. She was never enough. She looked up, Lorelai was watching her from the front desk and Emily did what she did best. She put on a front, her mask pulling across her face as she felt the steel run down her spine. She drew herself to her full height. She wouldn't let this office defeat her, she wouldn't let this failure and how much it hurt her show on her face. Besides she had to be strong for Lorelai. She had a meeting with the school and then at some point had to deal with the Hayden's. She had to be strong.

She bustled to the front desk and noted Lorelai's next appointment in her day planner. The pair exited the office in silence. Emily walked with her head high, conscious that Lorelai was trudging along beside her, wishing she could do the same. The car was sanctuary, away from the noise of the street. Lorelai slumped into the passenger seat and closed the door softly. They sat in silence for a few moments, neither really sure what they were supposed to do.

"Mom," Lorelai broke the awkwardness. "Thanks, with the…" she looked down embarrassed, "do I have to have that done again."

Emily nodded silently staring intently at the car parked in front of her. She looked towards her daughter as Lorelai let out a groan of disgust. "There are lots of things that you will find distasteful. One of the joys of pregnancy."

"You could have warned me," Lorelai gripped sliding down in the seat.

Emily considered the comment for a moment. "It's why I wanted to come in."

"Oh," Lorelai whispered, shifting once more.

Emily studied her daughter intently, Before the bombshell the previous night Emily had noticed in passing that her daughter had seemed to have gained a couple of pounds but Lorelai had been scrupulous about avoiding any kind of prolonged contact which would have enabled Emily to bring it up with her. When her daughter had dropped the atom bomb containing the news of her pregnancy Emily had seen everything that she herself had gone through with her own pregnancies. Like her, Lorelai had been slender and Lorelai's school uniform looked very tight across her breasts and stomach. A thought struck her as to why her daughter was slouching so much. "Is your skirt too tight?" Emily asked softly.

Lorelai stared at her alarmed before nodding guiltily. "Yeah. I'm getting fat already."

"You're not fat," Emily finally put the keys in the ignition. "I'll get you the next size up so you are more comfortable. Do you need anyth…"

"Could you just give me the money, I could get it myself," Lorelai asked hopefully.

Emily shook her head. "No, Lorelai. I will get your clothes." Emily closed her eyes; she didn't want anyone to see Lorelai. She didn't even want to consider what Lorelai would choose as maternity wear. "Do you need to get something to eat before we go to school?"

Lorelai shook her head, "I'm not hungry."

"Alright," Emily started the car. "We have a meeting with the Principal at 12.30 to discuss … this"

Lorelai looked at her alarmed, her eyes flashing with nervous indignation. Emily held up her hand silencing the protest before they began. "Lorelai please. We have to do this, the school has to be made aware. Can we please just wait until after the meeting and when we are home before any discussion begins?"

Lorelai dropped back into her seat her arms folding across her chest and she turned away to look out the window with a defiant huff.

Emily released an exhausted sigh and began to manoeuvre the car out of the space. It was only 11.30 in the morning and she felt as if she had no energy at all. No energy to deal with this at all. Yet it had only just begun.

xXx

"Lorelai!" Emily called warningly after her daughter as her daughter jumped out of the just stopped car. Emily quickly threw the car into park and leapt out of the car after her daughter, rushing across the immaculate driveway to catch up with her daughter who was already pushing open the door. She gave a yell of surprise as the door was nearly slammed into her face, managing to catch the door with her hands before it caused her any damage. Inside the house Lorelai was already running for the stairs and Emily heard herself yelling at her daughter to stop. She closed her eyes for a moment, she felt as if she had two brains functioning, and they simply wouldn't connect, now with the pain in her wrists she couldn't process anything.

"LORELAI PLEASE!" she heard herself yell as her daughter reached the quarter landing. Her daughter stopped and pivoted to look at her. Lorelai was trying not to cry, trying to put a brave face on things. Emily was as well and she wished she could articulate that to Lorelai, but once again her brain just didn't seem to be able to work properly. "Please," she repeated and gestured towards the couch. Lorelai didn't move instead just stared at her. Emily slowly made her way to the stairs, cautiously climbing them, scared to approach her daughter for fear what may happen.

The meeting at the school had been a disaster. The Principal had been a condescending patronizing moron, with zero empathy and compassion. He had belittled Lorelai and belittled her, heaping blame when Emily already felt like the biggest failure in the world. Emily wondered if Richard had been there things would have been different, but it was moot. Richard had retreated to work, he hadn't even been able to say Lorelai's name let alone face looking at her. Emily knew he was disappointed and angry but mostly he was scared and confused. Lorelai was daddy's golden girl, she always had been. Emily closed the distance between her and her daughter "Lorelai," Emily whispered holding her hand out as a sign of truce.

"That man is a sanctimonious asshole!" Lorelai spat taking a step backwards and putting herself in the corner of the stairwell.

Emily couldn't disagree with her daughter's assessment but she shook her head anyway. Her daughter's language was inappropriate and disrespectful. "Lorelai, please don't talk like that. I'm sorry I should have taken that meeting on my own," she blinked in confusion as Lorelai took an audible gasp and the anger dropped from her blue eyes to be replaced by surprise. "What?"

"You apologised," Lorelai whispered in awe. "To me."

Emily frowned and shook her head dismissively. "Lorelai, please. Now we know the schools position, we have a plan in place for ensuring your schooling continues. We need to set the rules for home."

"Rules?" the anger flashed into Lorelai's eyes once more.

Emily tried to reach out to touch her shoulder but Lorelai shrugged just out of reach. "Yes rules. Our job now is to make sure, you and the baby are healthy. Please can we sit?"

Lorelai scowled but did as she was asked stomping down the stairs. Emily followed tiredly and sank into the chair opposite Lorelai. "Now it goes without saying no drinking, no climbing out of windows," Lorelai looked up at her in surprise, as if she had been oblivious to the fact that her parents knew she sneaked out of the house. "Yes I know that is how you get out the house. You are to go to school and to the doctors. Any other outing must be approved by your father and me beforehand."

"What!" Lorelai sat forward and glowered at her, her eyes on fire as her body tensed with indignation.

"I am not saying you can't go out just that we need to approve it first. We need to check that it's appropriate and safe." Lorelai slumped into the sofa and huffed. "We have to make changes Lorelai, you can't just think about what you want. It's about what's best for the baby as well." Lorelai looked down at her stomach and sighed sadly. Emily sat forward in the seat. "Do you want to talk about it?"

Lorelai looked up at her with narrowed eyes "About what? I know you and Dad are mad at me. I spoiled everything. Broke the plan, sullied the Gilmore name. I'm the black sheep. You should ship me off. Lock me in the tower, turn me into Rapunzel…"

"Lorelai," Emily held her hand up, instructing her daughter to stop. "Please don't." Emily frowned as a thought struck her. "Is that what this attitude is? You want me to be angry with you?" she sighed as Lorelai gave a barely perceptible nod. "Well I'm sorry I can't right now." Emily sat back in her chair exhausted; she studied her daughter, Lorelai suddenly looked like a little girl rather than a teenager who thought she was a woman. Her eyes were filled with sadness, the blue dulled by unshed tears. It was worse than the flashing anger. "This…I never expected this… I don't have the energy for this. Any of this." Emily admitted softly. "It's too much."

"I thought you would be mad." Lorelai whispered curling herself forward and hugging her knees. "I thought you would shout and yell. Then I thought maybe you'd surprise me and you'd hug me and tell me it will all be OK. But you didn't do anything you just stared at me. Now you're dismissing me." Lorelai sat up again and stared her down accusingly, "you went into process mode. Follow process follow process hello robot. I must follow procedure. I must not show emotion," she looked down at her stomach and sighed. "I shouldn't really be surprised. You're a Vulcan. You'd make Spock proud."

"Lorelai," Emily whispered. "Go upstairs," she was shaking, trembling. Emily could feel the composure she had been holding onto slipping. She needed to get away from her daughter but her legs had ceased to function. So she had to send Lorelai away.

"Sure," Lorelai muttered. "I'll go wait in my tower for Chris and his Mom and Dad."

Lorelai slunk out of the room but Emily barely even noticed, every fibre of her being was being used to keep herself from collapsing. It was the only way she could keep going. She had learned a long time that locking the emotions away was the only way to keep functioning. Emily didn't understand her daughter's references but she got the sentiment, Lorelai wanted a reaction, anger or compassion. Emily was trying, she was too shocked to be angry, she was trying to be compassionate but she just didn't know what to say. The only thing Emily could manage was following the process. She had taken Lorelai to the doctor, she had spoken to the school. She had spoken with the Hayden's. She had arranged the meeting to discuss with them what they were all going to do now. She had done what she thought she meant to do. She was getting it all wrong. But nothing in this situation was right.

xXx

She braced herself as Straub started pacing and shouting again. He had been going on and on about Lorelai's pregnancy for the last hour. Francine had been sobbing for most of that hour. If had been a relief to escape to the kitchen to get her a glass of water. Emily glanced over at Richard but he still seemed incapable of adding to the conversation. She frowned as Francine suggested that Lorelai be sent away. She could hear herself defend her daughter there was no way she was sending Lorelai anywhere, she had to keep her daughter close to her so she could protect her and keep her safe. Lorelai had said she wanted love and compassion, maybe this was her version of that. Straub suggested abortion and Emily blinked in shock. Ice water seemed to run down her back and she looked up at the man in horror. Francine's breathy recitation of her husband's name showed how shocked she was as well. Emily was surprised to hear herself speak, to defend Lorelai, to attack the abhorrent suggestion that they force their daughter to do that. Not the words, she was absolutely certain about the words but she was surprised that she was able to articulate her thoughts. She wanted to reach out and throttle the man. How dare he suggest such a thing! How dare he! Suddenly Richard was standing, stating what they would do and Emily found herself agreeing with him as Richard fled from the living room. He was going to his study. He was retreating, away from what he couldn't deal with. He had said his piece and now he was leaving her to deal with them. Emily wished they would go. Francine was sobbing again and Emily was frightened that if they didn't leave that she would start to cry also. Straub was muttering something about Christopher and how Lorelai was ruining his life. It was all Emily could do to stay in her seat to prevent herself from smacking the man over the head with the flower arrangement. She hated the man in front of her. She simply couldn't understand how he could even suggest such a thing. How he thought all of this was Lorelai's fault. It took two to make a baby.

"I don't want to get married," echoed down the stairwell. "Chris, stop it. I don't want to marry you. No let me go."

Emily rose from her seat and ran towards the noise. Lorelai was trying to get up from where the two teenagers had clearly been hiding on the landing listening in but Christopher had grabbed her arm and was trying to pull her back down. Emily ran at him and yanked his arm away from Lorelai. Christopher looked at her in shock and Emily had no idea what she was supposed to do now.

Lorelai solved the problem stomping up the stairs and screaming in rage about what had been suggested. Emily looked tiredly over her shoulder. "Please see yourselves out. I must see to Lorelai. We can discuss how we proceed with the plan at a later date." She turned and moved towards Lorelai's room, the Hayden's were forgotten. Lorelai was what mattered now. The stress was not good for her. She entered the bedroom without knocking. Lorelai was curled on the bed sobbing into one of her stuffed animals. Emily walked forward with leaden steps and sat on the bed beside her daughter. She made to rest her hand on Lorelai's back to provide her daughter the comfort that Lorelai so desperately sought but in that moment Lorelai turned and stared up at her. Her blue eyes were flashing between anger and fear.

"I'm not marrying him!"

Emily swallowed, trying to steel herself against the venom in Lorelai's voice. "It's the proper thing to do. When you get pregnant you get married."

"I am not marrying him!" Lorelai repeated again, with more force. "I don't want to be a part of that family. They want to kill her. They want to kill my baby."

Emily jerked forward and seized Lorelai's shoulders, the suddenness made her daughter jump in surprise. Their eyes locked. "That will never happen! Do you hear me? That will not happen." As quickly as she had moved before, Emily's hands fell from Lorelai's shoulder and into her lap. She looked down forlornly at the pattern on the bedspread. She could feel Lorelai's gaze on her, her cheeks were burning under her daughter's scrutiny, it hurt as much as the silence. She forced herself to look up. Lorelai had a curious look on her face, a look that Emily couldn't place; it was as if all Lorelai's emotions had smashed together and where fighting to control the muscles of her face. Emily knew she needed to break the silence that hung heavily in the air. "You said she." She finally managed to whisper.

Lorelai looked down at her thickened middle, her hand coming to rest over the place where the baby currently resided. "It feels like a girl."

Emily smiled, she had felt the same with her babies, known what they were. "I knew you were a girl," she told Lorelai softly. They fell back into silence before Emily finally found the ability to ask what she had wanted to ask since Lorelai had told them. "Why Lorelai?"

"Why what?" Lorelai asked curiously looked up from her stomach.

"Why…" Emily dropped her head. "What possessed you to have s…"

"We were bored," Lorelai mumbled. "The first time, we were just fooling about and we got carried away. The first time kind of sucked, most of the time it kind of sucked," Lorelai sighed, "but it was nice, the bit after, when he hugged me. It made me feel special; he made me feel like I was loved. I liked that, that's why we had it the other times even though it was kind of lame." Emily looked up and stared at her daughter once more she was flabbergasted and her brain was frustratingly blank. "I didn't mean to Mom," Lorelai whispered. "I didn't mean for it to happen. You do mean it though right? You won't make me get rid of her, even after she's born. I can keep her?"

Emily's eyes widened so much they felt like they would fall from her skull. In all of this she had never considered the baby not being here, that the baby wouldn't come back to the house. The minute Lorelai had told them she was pregnant everything had been about bringing a healthy baby home. She nodded painfully "Yes Lorelai, we're keeping the baby." It couldn't be any other way.


	3. Chapter 2 - Weary, Dreary Summer

**Thank you so much Sara, I'm glad your enjoying it.**

 **I hope everyone enjoys the next chapter,**

 **Chapter 2 – Weary, Dreary Summer**

The rest of the school term passed without much drama. Lorelai steadily gained weight but in such a way that when the school broke for the summer the only whispers Emily heard were from well-meaning friends who surreptitiously slid her details of summer camps that dealt with weight loss. She and Lorelai had had a few arguments but they were just like the arguments they had been having since Lorelai was 10. The arguments had been nothing to do with her pregnancy or the plan for Christopher to move in with them. They had barely discussed the pregnancy at all, and Emily avoided discussing Christopher for fear of creating a fight and providing Lorelai with any undue stress. Lorelai was holding her at arm's length and Emily wished she would let her in. Lorelai only allowed her to participate when they visited the doctor and even then everything was top level information.

The past few weeks Emily had noticed Lorelai's hand drift up to her stomach more often, a soft curious smile on her face. Emily knew that this meant that the baby was starting to move. Emily wanted to speak about it but she was too scared to ask. Lorelai was over half way through her pregnancy and the doctor assured her that everything was progressing normally, but Emily could not shake her concern given her own experiences. She did what she did best and buried her concerns. Things were just about tolerable and she didn't want to worsen the situation especially now with the long months of summer ahead of them and she was completely at a loss with what they were supposed to do.

The past 7 years Lorelai had always attended a residential summer camp. There was no question that Lorelai would stay at home but to do what. Most of the volunteering programmes required some form of physicality that Emily was not willing to risk Lorelai being injured or lifting anything too heavy and she couldn't very well drag Lorelai along to all her functions, the questioning alone would be too much for both of them. She had hoped that she could arrange for Christopher to spend some time with Lorelai over the summer but Straub and Francine were sending him away to camp for the summer and would not change their plans. Lorelai had just been with him, the final visit before he vanished for 6 weeks and she had come home uncharacteristically quiet. Quietness in her daughter was never a good sign. Emily was barely able to keep her mind on her dinner in front of her with the concern that was rushing through her mind and the strength of resolve it was taking not to sit staring at her daughter for any sign that something might be wrong with the baby.

"What is this Mom?"

Lorelai's question broke her musings and gave Emily a chance to look across at Lorelai and study her. She looked annoyed and disgusted as she poked at her dinner with her fork. "It's calf's liver." Emily told her softly, wishing that Lorelai would sit up straight as her slumping would only make her back hurt more. Lorelai made a noise to indicate her disgust and put down her fork with a clatter. "It's full of iron, it's good for you." Emily reasoned with her.

"I'm not really hungry," Lorelai slumped further down in her chair and crossed her arms across her chest.

"You need to eat properly," Emily told her softly. She frowned as Lorelai gave a dismissive shrug. "Don't shrug Lorelai, you know you need to. Did you eat with Christopher?." Her frown deepened as Lorelai shifted awkwardly. "Did you have a good time with Christopher?" she asked carefully. Lorelai looked down at her stomach and gave another dismissive shrug. "Did he say something to you?" Emily asked carefully.

Lorelai muttered something inaudible before issuing a heavy sigh. "He just talked about camp and about how cool it was and then he told me I looked fat."

Emily frowned. "Lorelai you're not fat," she tried to sound positive even though she knew that when she was pregnant she had never believed Richard when he had told her that. Christopher was a silly young boy but his retreating from Lorelai by ignoring and alienating her was not what she wanted to hear at all. They had a procedure to follow. "You're very neat."

"Christopher is probably just confused by his feelings towards you."

Emily nearly dropped her fork as Richard engaged with the conversation. He had barely spoken at all the past few months at the dining room table if Lorelai was there. He was still in his maudlin depression of not being able to cope with or comprehend Lorelai's pregnancy. She glanced at her daughter, Lorelai looked shocked and surprised that her father was speaking to her; Tears forming in the corner of her blue eyes. Richard put down his paper and smiled weakly. "Pregnancy from an outsider's perspective is just as confusing as it is for the mother. All kind of thoughts about what you have done to the woman, watching her grow your child, it's a powerful thing. Christopher probably can't understand it." He smiled weakly at Lorelai. "Once he moves in it will be different."

Emily flinched as she saw the shift in Lorelai's demeanour, the sudden shift from surprised sadness to the glint of anger in her eyes.

"If you don't want the liver I can get you some chicken," Emily offered quickly hopeful to counteract what she knew was coming.

Lorelai answered her father by pushing back her chair with as much noise as possible and throwing her napkin on the table. "Neither of us want that Dad. We don't want to get married, we don't want to live here."

Richard picked up his paper, flicking it upright with a defiant flourish. "Well tough! You should have thought about that!"

Lorelai let out a little scream of frustration and stomped out of the room. "He doesn't even like me!" Lorelai screamed over her shoulder as she fled. "But you wouldn't care."

"Must she be so dramatic," Richard muttered throwing his paper down on the table. He looked down at his barely touched food. "I have calls to make."

Emily slumped into her seat as he fled from her as well. She was exhausted with all this, she wished he would open up to her but Richard would never do that. Not now, she knew how her husband's mind operated and she had to give him space. If Richard ever wanted to discuss it he would, but now he would focus on work. Wearily Emily pushed herself out of her seat and moved to the kitchen. The maid was sat scanning a cooking magazine and jumped when she caught sight of Emily.

"I'm afraid my menu selection was a rather poor one. I found it delicious but …" she trailed off with her platitudes. "Thank you for the effort. I'm just going to take Lorelai a sandwich. Please clean up. You may leave when you have finished."

The maid scurried out with a silent nod leaving Emily alone to make up a tray for Lorelai. She remembered being ravenous when she had been pregnant, as soon as her morning sickness had stopped with all her pregnancies she had been starving right up until something had gone wrong except with Lorelai where she had been ravenous until Lorelai had pushed up into her stomach and made eating difficult. In hindsight her sudden loss of appetite had probably been an indication of something being wrong, and Lorelai's apparent lack of hunger had made her nervous.

Carrying the tray up to her daughter's room, Emily braced herself for what she would find on the other side of the door and carefully shifted the tray to one arm so she could open the door. Lorelai was laying on her back staring up at the ceiling trying to stop herself from crying. As Emily moved in Lorelai shot her a look of pure loathing which made Emily freeze for a moment. She forced a smile on her face and held out the tray. "I thought you might actually be hungry for some plainer food." Lorelai looked annoyed for a moment but started to sit up slowly and gave a small nod of acceptance. With a sigh of relief Emily moved to the bed and set the tray down. "Now we can't make a habit of this, eating in bed, but…" she trailed off at a loss of what to do with herself now the tray was no longer in her arms. "There is a chicken sandwich and some fruit."

"Thanks." Lorelai mumbled reaching for the apple and taking a bite.

Pleased that her daughter was eating and had seemed to accept her presence Emily took another deep breath and tried to broach the Christopher subject. "I'm sure Christopher was just excited about camp."

Lorelai scowled at her. "He's mad at me because his Dad is mad at him. I'm just a big pain in everyone's as….backside and getting bigger every day."

"Lorelai no!" Emily made to reach out to provide a comforting hand on Lorelai's shoulder but Lorelai shot her the look of loathing once more and her resolve faltered.

"Mom, Yes!" Lorelai huffed. "I am. Dad won't look at me. Christopher is mad at me. You won't stop looking at me like you're scared I'm gonna break or show you up or something. You can't figure out where to stick me so I'm not in your way."

Emily frowned. "Lorelai it's not like that…"

"Yeah Mom it is," Lorelai's statement was filled with resigned defeat. "Thanks for the sandwich but I want to be alone."

Emily took a step back and tried to think of something to say but her mind was once again all over the place and she couldn't find anything to say. Lorelai stared at her with that awful look of hate and she retreated, stumbling out of the door. It slammed of its own accord almost as if Lorelai had willed it. Emily stood beside it stunned, through the wood she could hear her daughter starting to cry. Emily placed her hand on the door her body trembling as she too tried to keep her emotions in check. She felt her resolve slip tears beginning to slip down her cheeks and she fled, her face in her hands into the sanctuary of her bedroom.

xXx

Emily found that the tears had helped clear her mind and as such she was able to formulate a plan for the summer holidays. As she knew that Lorelai's schooling was going to be affected over the coming months with the arrival of the baby Emily decided that educational outings was the best. It was what they used to do when Lorelai was little and was too young for the residential summer camps. There were plenty of events and museums that went on over the summer in the wider area, all just enough out of the way that they would not bump into their usual circle.

There was even a free week where she had no commitments and Lorelai had no doctor's appointments, the idea of a week away had been perfect and she had quickly called her best friend Melinda who lived down in Washington to arrange a visit. Melinda had been excited and accommodating telling Emily she would rejig her schedule. Melinda was the only person that Emily had told about Lorelai. Melinda was the only person that Emily told everything about anything in her life. It had killed Emily when Melinda had moved to Washington 6 years earlier but a friendship over correspondence and telephone hadn't diminished how close they were.

The trip would also mean that Richard could get some head space. He was working so hard and while he was away from the house for business trips Emily knew he couldn't relax. In the house he was so anxious and upset over Lorelai it made everything worse, just like the dinner table a few nights earlier. He needed a chance to decompress. The summer was always his chance to decompress, before the pregnancy even though he adored Lorelai Emily knew he found her exhausting. When Lorelai went to camp he always seemed to have more energy he became more affectionate, tenderer without a scornful audience. She missed that.

Armed with her plan for the summer Emily approached the breakfast table with excited energy. She was surprised to see Lorelai already sat at her seat tucking into a bowl of fruit. She had never seen Lorelai eat so much fruit before and she tried to remember if the doctor had instructed Lorelai to do it or if this was something of her own volition. Richard's chair was empty, the paper beside it creased in a way that told Emily he had been and gone already. She ignored the empty chair and pulled out her own. "Good morning Lorelai."

"Morning," Lorelai mumbled not looking up from the bowl.

"I spoke with Melinda this morning, my friend who lives in Washington. We're going to go stay with her the last week of July. I thought a change of scenery would be nice for both of us. And I've made a list of museums and galleries that we should visit during the summer. We should aim for at least a trip a week, weather dependent," she informed Lorelai brightly. "And of course you have your summer reading list from school to keep you occupied the rest of the time." She held out the list she had made of places to visit so Lorelai could see. "Do you have any preference about where you would like to go first?" She swallowed nervously as Lorelai looked at the list as if Emily was holding out a bowl of sick to her and when her daughter didn't take it carefully placed it on the white table cloth. "Well you take a look and have a think and let me know. Now I need to go shopping for your summer books and I thought I would pick you up a few clothes, your wardrobe is a little limited at the moment. Is there anything that you expressly need?"

Lorelai stared at her for a moment and then rolled her eyes, "Whatever," she looked down at her fruit again.

"Not whatever Lorelai. Do you need anything?" Emily frowned.

"It doesn't matter what I think I need," Lorelai scowled. "You'll just get what you think I need, you always do," she flicked the list back towards Emily. "So whatever you want Mom," She grabbed an apple and pushed back her chair. "I'm gonna read."

Emily sighed heavily as Lorelai stomped off. She wasn't sure if Lorelai's reaction was her usual rebellious streak or fuelled by hormones, either way it was going to be a long summer.

xXx

Emily smiled as she heard Lorelai laugh. Closing the bathroom door she slipped back into the bright kitchen of Melinda's Washington townhouse. She quietly took her seat and watched as Melinda continued to engage with her daughter. The trip had been enjoyable for the most part, day trips to all the sites of the capital and Lorelai seemed much happier. It was Melinda's way. She could make anyone feel at ease, make anyone open up. It was her special gift. It was why Emily was sure she was friends with her and why Melinda knew everything about her.

"What was so funny?" Emily asked, keen to be included.

"Doesn't matter," Lorelai mumbled, her smile faltering a little.

Emily tried to keep her face from falling. Although Lorelai was happier then she had been in a long while she was still incredibly thorny with her and Emily wasn't sure what it was that she had done that was so awful to warrant the cold front. She had been accommodating as possible but it didn't seem to work. Nothing seemed to work. The past month had been one battle after another, Lorelai snapping at every suggestion or just sullenly pouting whenever they went out. The shift to a more positive demeanour had occurred two days into the trip and Emily was keen for it to continue.

"Lorelai," Melinda broke the uneasy silence that had descended on the room. "Would you be a doll and go to the bakery on the corner and get some cakes for dessert," she reached for her purse.

"I don't think that's a good idea," Emily protested, "It's very warm out there."

"It's five minutes away," Melinda dismissed her concern with a forceful edge, "and they do excellent ice cream, you should have a scoop," she smiled at Lorelai as she handed over some notes. "Get whatever you want cake wise, but I would recommend anything chocolate. The Ice cream is amazing but I'm partial to the strawberry ripple, its divine!"

"Sure!" Lorelai gave her an enthusiastic smile and scurried away as quickly as she could.

Emily hesitated for a moment, wondering if she should get up and go with her daughter. She didn't want her to be alone in a strange city. Anything could go wrong.

"You have to give her some space Em," Melinda told her softly as she placed her hand on Emily's preventing her from getting up.

Emily turned to look at her friend in confusion. "You're hovering and planning every moment of the day," Melinda continued a warm smile on her face. "You're everywhere, following her everywhere, asking her questions all the time, structuring her day, telling her what to do. I know it's a stressful situation but you have to give her space."

"I…" Emily scowled. "I just want her to be safe."

"I know you do," Melinda moved to the chair that Lorelai had just vacated, "but you and Lorelai have never had the easiest of relationships since she learned to answer back. Smothering her is just going to make everything worse. She needs a chance to work this out herself, she needs a chance to breathe."

"But," Emily sighed heavily. "I just want…" a tear trickled unbidden from her right eye and she reached to brush it away, embarrassed at her loss of composure. She gave a soft gasp as Melinda reached her arm around Emily's shoulder. It had been months since anyone had done something so comforting to her. Richard was barely there. He might give her an odd peck on the cheek now and then but it seemed like he was going through the motions. To have someone give her actual warmth made the tears roll faster.

"Oh Em," Melinda pulled herself round so she could hug Emily properly, her thin fingers gently stroking Emily's auburn hair. After a few minutes she lifted Emily's face away from her shoulder and forced Emily to look into her green eyes. "I know why you're so worried about this but maybe you should tell Lorelai about what happened. It might help her understand where you're coming from."

Emily shook her head. "I don't want to scare her. I don't know how much she remembers but she was with me each time. I remember how scared she was, I don't want to make her own nerves worse by making her remember that."

"She was a little girl and her Mommy was in pain of course she was scared. And I doubt she remembers it at all, else she would have brought it up with you. She's not one to hold back," Melinda tenderly smoothed Emily's hair. "She's more than 24 weeks Emily, if something does happen. Not that it will." Melinda added quickly. "The baby will be recognised, it will be official."

The sob choked out of her before she could stop it. Emily allowed Melinda to pull herself back into her warm embrace. It was one of her greatest pains that her babies didn't official exist. She had given birth 4 times but only Lorelai officially existed. The other three had been born too early and in the eyes of the government and medical profession that meant that they didn't properly live. She had known they had lived, she had felt them move, watched her body change as they grew. She had felt them die when the pain stabbed through her. She had done everything she could and it hadn't been enough; she hadn't even been able to bury them properly because they had never been officially alive. She and Richard had named them, each time scratching the name off the list they had made on their honeymoon in the hope that the next one would be OK. People only saw her one single daughter, Emily knew she had two daughters and two sons, plus the two others that had only been there for a few weeks. She jumped as she heard the front door open and scurried towards the back door slipping into the courtyard garden before Lorelai could see her.

"Where's Mom?" she heard Lorelai as she pressed against the brick wall.

"She went to get some fresh air, she's got a bit of a headache. Did you get your ice cream?

"Yeah," Lorelai's voice was bright as she started to chat with Melinda.

Emily pressed her hand against her mouth to try and stop herself from crying audibly and giving herself away. She was getting it all wrong. Melinda was right she was smothering Lorelai but she didn't know how else to be. She couldn't bear it if anything went wrong with Lorelai or the baby. She couldn't lose another baby, she couldn't lose her daughter. She barely registered the sound of Melinda lead Lorelai away from the kitchen so she wouldn't be discovered. Instead she slid down the wall and sobbed.

At some point she found the strength to stand and quietly she slipped into the house and up to the guest room. She collapsed onto the bed and exhaustion took hold and she fell into a fitful sleep.

A hand on her shoulder woke her with a jolt. "Emily." She stared up at Richard in surprise; she couldn't understand why he was here. Her confusion was obviously evident on her face as Richard sat on the bed and whispered, "Melinda called me." Slowly Emily pulled herself into a seated position and stared at him, after a moment she slid alongside him. "I'm sorry," he whispered. Richard pulled her tight into his side and she rested her head on shoulder. ". I…I just couldn't wrap my head…she's a little girl, she's our little girl. I don't understand how this happened. I'm sorry I've made you deal with this on your own." He kissed her tenderly on the forehead. "Melinda told me what's been bothering you, I should have realised."

Emily exhaled a shuddering breath and snuggled into Richard's large form. "She thinks I should tell Lorelai but…" she wiped her cheeks as she felt tears begin to slide down them once more. "She's obviously repressed those memories. Repressed them for a reason. I don't want to scare her, I don't want her to remember me covered in blood on the floor or screaming hysterically because something is wrong. She has enough to deal with. She doesn't need memories of me writhing in pain." She paused as Richard shifted slightly, he wrapped his other arm around her, cuddling her tightly. The embrace felt like heaven. She felt safe. She stayed silent enjoying the first meaningful contact she had had with Richard since the night they found out about Lorelai's pregnancy.

"I don't know what to do," Richard whispered softly.

"I don't either," Emily sighed heavily. "I'm trying but I'm getting it wrong. I just want them to be safe and to try and make the best of this awful situation. Everything I do is wrong. I don't know what to do Richard. I just don't know."

Richard didn't respond, his lips pressed into a flat line and his blue eyes began to water. Emily couldn't bear to see him cry again so she buried her face into his chest. After a few moments he repositioned her, pulling her legs across his lap and then dragging her so she was sat on it. He was rocking her like she was a small child. It was comforting. It made it feel like all of it, like the whole awful mess would be Ok. Somehow they would get through it. Having Richard beside her once more made it all seem that little more positive.


	4. Chapter 3 - Unseasonable Warmth

**AN - A little calm before the storm, a little bit of bonding, and a little bit of hint of what's to come ;) Hope you enjoy, let me know what you think**

 **Chapter 3 – Unseasonable warmth**

Emily began to brake as she approached the T junction that would lead to home. Waiting for the car in front to pull out onto the road she looked across at her daughter. Lorelai was sat staring out of the window her face completely glum; she was 36 weeks pregnant, fed up, uncomfortable and bored. Her confinement at home over the summer had been unexpectedly extended. Lorelai had been meant to have returned to school for five or six weeks before she had a brief leave of absence to have the baby and recover. Lorelai had lasted two days back at school. The name calling and bullying had been extreme. Emily had been called in to find a sobbing almost inconsolable Lorelai and the school had suggested that Lorelai stay at home and work from there. Lorelai had readily agreed. For the most part Lorelai seemed to be doing Ok with the assignments that the school issued each week but her mood was suffering. Emily knew she was lonely. The only time she went out was the now weekly doctor's appointment. Other than the staff in the doctor's office the only people that Lorelai had to speak to was her, Richard and the maid. Lorelai was barely saying anything. They didn't even bicker let alone argue anymore, Lorelai just seemed to be retreating in on herself. Some days Emily wished for a fight, anything to show that Lorelai was Ok, even some stinging reference filled barb that she never understood but always hurt. The girl sat in the passenger seat was only a facsimile of her daughter and Emily felt clueless as to how to help her.

As she made to pull out onto the road Emily suddenly flicked her blinker to show the other direction and pulled out heading in the opposite direction to home. She noticed Lorelai shift slightly in confusion and carried on waiting for her daughter to break the silence. Emily wasn't exactly sure what she was doing in the moment, she just knew she couldn't take her daughter home. Lorelai needed to be out of the house even if it was for an extra twenty minutes.

After ten minutes of driving in the wrong direction in silence Lorelai finally looked at her "Where are we going Mom?"

"You'll see, we're nearly there," Emily told her in a way she hoped sounded cryptic and not clueless. Now she actually needed to find something for them to do. After five more minutes a parade of stores came into view and a thought struck Emily as she realised where they were. Thankfully there was parking available outside the store and Emily parked before turning to look at Lorelai. The store she had stopped at she had visited several time over the past few months picking up items for the nursery and the odd piece of maternity wear for Lorelai. Lorelai was staring out the passenger window at the store meaning that Emily was unable to see her face. "Come on," Emily took initiative climbing out the car and moving to the sidewalk. Lorelai still hadn't moved but her face was contorted into an expression of disgust. Emily opened the passenger side door. "Come on Lorelai."

"Why are we here?" Lorelai scowled up at her as she sat unmoving in her seat. "You already bought everything she's going to need."

"Oh nonsense," Emily forced a smile on her face, as much as she wanted Lorelai to be herself she did not want a fight out in the open where everyone could see. "I've bought everything practical. The nursey lacks a theme, we need something cohesive to tie it all together. Not to mention all the frivolous things that you never knew you needed or existed they make for babies these days." Lorelai didn't move instead remained seemingly glued to her seat staring up at her with the twisted scowl on her face. "Come on Lorelai, five minutes. If you don't see anything you like we'll go home." Lorelai gave a huff of defeat but began to haul herself out of the car. Emily gave a soft sigh of relief and took a step back to give Lorelai room to get standing. She smiled as she shut and locked the car door and quickly to the baby store's door. Lorelai walked slowly behind her, the glum expression back on her face.

Inside the store was warm and inviting and had that wonderful baby powder smell. Emily breathed deeply and began to study the displays. "Oh what do you think of that?" she pointed out a display that looked fit for a fairy princess.

Lorelai sidled up to the table and picked up one of the soft toys within the display, "its cute Mom, but it's very girlie," she stroked the toy tenderly before replacing it in the basket. "I know I think it's a girl but it might be a boy."

"I suppose," Emily raised her eyebrows, Lorelai always referred to the baby as she, so much so that she herself had taken to doing it and had come to terms with the idea of a granddaughter, the thought of a grandson was slightly jarring. "Well there are more gender neutral..."

"Oh," Lorelai scurried past her nearly knocking her out the way as she moved to the display that had caught her eye.

"Careful Lorelai," Emily suppressed her frown and followed her daughter to the table "Ducks?"

"Aren't they cute!" Lorelai held out the anthropomorphised duck soft toy she was holding.

"Well I suppose," Emily took the toy, it was, as most items in the store would be, blissfully soft and she ran her fingers across the downy soft body of the toy. "Maybe we…"

"Mom look at those!" Lorelai interrupted pointing across the store to the clothes section. Emily turned and looked at what Lorelai was pointing, a series of white outfits that bore little embroidered ducks. She turned back to look at Lorelai. "Mom can we get them?"

Emily smiled, there was light in her daughter's beautiful blue eyes that had been missing for so long, despite the ridiculousness of what Lorelai wanted to make the theme she couldn't help herself. This was what she wanted, her vibrant daughter back. "I don't see why not, unless there is anything else you want to look at."

"Nope," Lorelai shook her head and took the toy back from Emily cuddling it tenderly. "I like the ducks."

"Then ducks it is," Emily nodded and looked around the store for the staff. Alerting the assistant Emily gave the order that they wanted to see all the stock which featured ducks. The assistant sent a beaming courteous smile and rushed away to source the items. "Is there anything else that you need while they are finding everything duck related," Lorelai hesitated for a moment before giving a soft nervous nod. "What do you need?"

"I need some bras…like for after," Lorelai looked sheepishly at the ground. "For nursing."

"Oh," Emily nodded in understanding; she was secretly pleased that Lorelai wanted to nurse, in some of the literature that they had received there had been information about formula that she had seen Lorelai studying. She had loved that time with Lorelai as a baby, it had been their own little alone time and sometimes a brilliant way of escaping the endless visits from grandparents and Richard's extended family. "That's nothing to be embarrassed about Lorelai. I'll go get what you need while you pick out your ducks," she caught Lorelai's surprised expression. "I nursed you Lorelai, I know what you need and trust me nursing bras are meant for practicality not anything pretty, more's the pity. Pick your ducks," she moved away letting Lorelai look at everything that was on offer and made her way through the maternity clothing at the back of the store. Lorelai had been favouring baggy T-shirts and cropped leggings for most of the summer but the weather was beginning to cool so Emily picked up a few long tunic sweaters for her. It was fascinating to her how much maternity wear had changed since she had been pregnant, all these new stretchy fabrics and most of them were so soft. Emily had been stuck in voluminous blouses or dresses that been so itchy she had felt like screaming sometimes. She quickly gathered what Lorelai needed and headed back to her daughter and eager shop assistant. On the counter there was two piles of items one distinctly bigger than the other.

Lorelai turned and looked sheepishly at her. "It's too much isn't it?"

Emily shook her head and placed the items she was carrying on top of the items that Lorelai had picked. "Nothing is too much for my grandchild." It surprised her how easily the words slipped out. With Lorelai so far along it meant that in a few weeks there was going to be an actual baby in the house again. Despite everything Emily was excited about that.

The assistant's quickly rung up and bagged their purchases. Emily paid and then took as many of the bags as she could manage leaving two lighter ones for Lorelai to carry back to the car.

She was pleased that she had managed to cheer Lorelai up even if it was temporary. Sorting the new items would give her something to focus on besides school work. Emily set the bags into the trunk of the car. As she was about to stand straight and take the bags from Lorelai, her daughter suddenly roughly grabbed her arm. Panic stabbed at her and Emily tried to remain calm as she looked at Lorelai saw her daughter's panicked face.

"Mom, I HAVE to go to the bathroom!" Lorelai whispered with urgency.

Relief coursed through Emily and she took the bags that Lorelai was holding using it as a way to assess their options. A cafe on the corner caught her eyes. "There is a café."

Lorelai moved without another word, moving as fast as she could towards the store. Emily quickly locked the car and followed Lorelai. As she entered the store Lorelai was taking a key from a staff member. "Mom'll buy something. Not coffee I'm not allowed so you can't have it." Lorelai hissed moving to the back of the cafe.

Emily took a deep breathe the sudden jolt of panic dying and leaving her feeling a little on edge. She glanced at the menu, "Pot of tea to share please," the waitress nodded, "and a slice of the cake," she pointed to a chocolate cake under the glass counter. The waitress quickly served her and Emily turned and chose a table. She had barely shrugged her coat off when Lorelai returned.

Lorelai stared at the cake with a curious expression and then pivoted, marched up to the counter and came back holding a fork. "Here, I can't eat that all by myself, she's takes up too much room."

Emily blinked in surprise but took the fork. "You did that," she said quietly as Lorelai sat down.

Lorelai gave a chortle of amusement as she eased herself into her chair. "Did you get really big? I can't imagine you fat. You always look so perfect."

Emily fought to keep her surprise in check and she hoped the smile on her face wasn't ridiculously large. Lorelai never complemented her. Ever. "I felt huge. Your father kept telling me I wasn't but I didn't believe him. I was bigger than you, more out front then you at least but then you are taller than me."

"I guess," Lorelai took a mouthful of cake and shifted awkwardly. "Did your back hurt?" she asked nervously.

Emily nodded carefully, studying Lorelai with interest. Lorelai was asking her questions, Lorelai was letting her in. It was strange and unusual and she was uncertain of how to proceed, "not pain but achy," she cautiously took a small forkful of cake.

"How did you...did you do anything to…" Lorelai looked down at the plate and sighed.

"I took baths, and I tried swimming though that was a disaster," Emily rolled her eyes, at Lorelai's enquiring look she carried on. "It was warm even though it was late March and I was starting to get so frustrated I still had a month to go and nothing seemed to make me feel better so I tried the pool. I certainly wasn't about to go to a public baths looking like that. Anyway I did a seated dive off the side. Which was a mistake as it was freezing. So I tried to get out but couldn't. I couldn't pull myself up the ladder because you were in the way. I had to get your father to very inelegantly haul me out." She smiled as Lorelai started to giggle. It had been ages since she heard her laugh. It was music. "I got stuck in the bath tub as well. I never missed my stomach muscles so much in my life."

"I miss bending over. I never realised I did it so much," Lorelai sighed heavily, "and just being able to get out of a chair without using my hands."

Emily nodded in understanding. "It's only a little while longer."

The happiness that was on Lorelai's face dropped leaving one of apprehension. "Does it…Is it as bad as…"

Emily gave Lorelai an uneasy smile. "Truthfully," she paused wondering how to couch her answer. "It's different for everyone. I found the level of pain tough but manageable right up until the end but what got me is that it was unrelenting. It just kept going for hours and I got so tired. But the doctor spoke about pain relief, you have that option far more options that I had," she watched Lorelai nod in understanding as her daughter twisted her fork about the cake. "Its hard Lorelai, the hardest thing you may ever do but you will be fine. Billions of women have been through it and I'll be there to help you," Lorelai's head shot up her blue eyes radiating horror and Emily forced what she hoped was a comforting reassuring smile on her face. The thought that Lorelai didn't want her in the room with her when she went through one of the hardest things in the world was equally painful and shocking. "This cake is very good."

"Yeah," Lorelai looked back down at the cake and took another forkful. After a moment she looked up again, the horror replaced with curiosity as if the moment had been forgotten "Did it ever feel like I would kick out of you?" she gestured downwards.

"Oh yes," Emily nodded slowly. "You did all kinds of crazy things, wriggling and rolling. You were most active between 9pm and 1am and just after lunch when I felt in desperate need of a nap. I hardly got any sleep." She smiled as Lorelai started reciting the times the baby moved and what she was doing. Emily listened quietly, eager to prolong the happiness. Lorelai's look of horror worried her. She was going to be in the delivery room. There was no way Lorelai was going to do this alone. She had weeks to ensure that everything stayed on this plane of happy. If she could maintain this state then everything would be fine because there was certainly no way she was missing the birth of her grandchild.

xXx

"Mom?"

Emily looked up from her book at Lorelai's weak call from the stairs. She snapped the book shut and quickly moved to the stairs. Lorelai was 38 weeks pregnant and the doctor had said the baby could come at any time. Lorelai was certainly ready and was spending an inordinate amount of time in bed as it was the only place she seemed comfortable. A truce and warmth had established over the last few weeks and Lorelai was allowing Emily in by asking her questions and asking for help.

Emily ran up the first few steps and paused as she found Lorelai stood on the quarter landing clutching her back. Just as Emily was about to open her mouth to ask if it was time Lorelai gave a deep sigh of painful frustration. "How hot can I have my bath?"

Emily exhaled, and forced herself to relax, "Not hot, you can have it warm," Lorelai scowled. "Why don't I run it for you. You can use our bathtub," Emily offered as Lorelai's scowl deepened. "It has handles whereas yours is a roll top and ours is longer. You'd be able to lie out," Lorelai hesitated for a moment before giving a curt nod and turning to clamber up the stairs. Emily watched her, waiting until Lorelai was almost at the top before following her at her normal pace. It had annoyed her immensely when she was heavily pregnant and Richard would easily stroll up the steps and she felt like she was mountaineering. Her relationship with Lorelai was fragile and she was doing everything to keep it on an even keel. "Go get your things and I'll start running it for you."

Emily quickly made her way to the master suite and set about getting the bath ready for Lorelai quickly checking many of the bath related potions she had under the sinks choosing a pleasingly scented bubble bath which was supposed to promote relaxation. Lorelai appeared clad in a big towelling robe clutching her pyjamas in her hands. She was moving gingerly and Emily couldn't help but wonder if this was the beginning of Lorelai's labor. Emily bent down and checked the warmth of the water, it was pleasingly warm and she hoped it would do the trick. "I'll leave you to it," Emily smiled kindly at her. "I'll be back upstairs in about 20 minutes." The scowl deepened on Lorelai's face once more and Emily forced her smile to remain in place. "It's when I start getting ready for bed. I won't come in just be in the bedroom taking my make up off." She waited for some quip from Lorelai but Lorelai just shrugged in acceptance and then just stood staring at her. Emily nodded and quickly exited the bathroom closing the door behind her she paused, wondering if it was worth risking waiting in the bedroom just in case Lorelai needed her.

Deciding not to risk it but not wanting to be too far away Emily made her way over to the nursery. When Lorelai wasn't in bed she spent her time pottering around in the room. She was nesting and it was the last thing that she was holding away from Emily. Other than carrying items in that were too heavy and paying for everything Emily hadn't been allowed to do anything. Lorelai hadn't even allowed the maid to wash the bedding and tiny clothes. This room was for her only. The room was beautiful, shades of cream and white now peppered with little ducks. Emily had a few items tucked away but she wanted to give them to Lorelai once the baby was here. Most of them were for a girl, but after Lorelai's comment a few weeks ago she had also got two little outfits for a boy just in case.

Despite everything it felt wonderful for the house to be ready for a baby again. When she had been pregnant with Lorelai she had spent hours sourcing everything and anything that her child might have ever needed and wanted; starting as soon as her belly had popped up and forced her out of her normal clothing. She had been the same with the next baby, except that time she had an excited little helper. One of her favourite memories was of lying in bed with Lorelai, the little two year old pouting because she wanted to feel _their baby_ because _fat Mommy_ could. Emily had lost the baby 10 days after that. A placental abruption. A sudden rush of blood that she hadn't been able to comprehend before she had collapsed. She had nearly died that day. The only reason she was still alive was because Lorelai had found her and broken the rules about answering the telephone when Richard had called for his lunchtime check in. She didn't remember much about that day but the one thing she did remember was Lorelai's little hand on her cheek telling her it was OK.

It wasn't OK. It was never OK after that. The bubble around her perfect world had burst. She had reeled from the failure of that tragedy, struggled to comprehend what had happened, what she had done wrong. It had been so different to the first time she had lost a baby. Her first pregnancy had ended at 9 weeks. At the time she had thought it was the end of the world. She hadn't realised how bad it could get. The loss of her third pregnancy was also the beginning of her losing Lorelai. Two year olds don't understand grief or why it made people withdraw. Lorelai was just upset her favourite romper was gone. Emily had burnt the blood stained outfit. She had been horrified to discover it 3 weeks after the event when she finally found the strength to go through the paper bag the hospital had put her belongings in in the Emergency room.

After that Emily had never attempted to do the nursey again, she had told Richard, told herself she wanted to wait till she was in the third trimester with the next baby. Maybe it had been foresight. Most likely it was fear. She was two week shy of the third trimester with her fourth pregnancy. The fifth was over before it really began. When she became pregnant with what had been the final baby she had been on bedrest from the very beginning only allowed out for doctor's appointments. She had gone stir crazy, grown fat and weak from too little movement and a ravenous appetite. The only high points of that time had been Lorelai reading to her. She's gone into labor when Lorelai had been reading to her. She had never seen her daughter so terrified. She hadn't meant to scream as she had. She never wanted to scare Lorelai but it had all been too much. Sixteen weeks in bed, of doing everything the doctor had told her to do, hadn't been enough. She had failed for the final time. This time they wouldn't fail. Or at least they wouldn't fail any further then their sixteen year old daughter having a baby.

This time they would come home with a beautiful baby and the house would be filled with the noise that it was always supposed to have been filled with. Filled with the love it was always supposed to be filled with. Everything about this room screamed love. It was her favourite place in the whole house and she couldn't wait for it to gain its new resident.

Realising that twenty minutes was nearly up Emily quickly left the nursery and re-entered her bedroom. She could hear Lorelai moving around in the bathroom, the water draining and she moved to sit at her vanity. Halfway through removing her make up Lorelai waddled out of the bathroom, she was still clutching her back. Emily frowned into the reflection. "Did it help?"

Lorelai made a noise that Emily took to mean _sort of_ , the scowl plastered on Lorelai's tired face indicating how fed up she was. Emily turned. Lorelai was moving so slowly, so gingerly. She just wanted to help her. "Your father used to give me back rubs when it was particularly bad. I could give you one if you like?"

Lorelai turned to look at her, the blue eyes which gave so much away were flashing with confusion and uncertainty. Emily smiled lovingly at her daughter. "I don't mind. Why don't you go get as comfortable as you can and I'll just finish taking my make-up off?"

"Alright," Lorelai mumbled and waddled out the room. Emily quickly removed her make-up and dabbed on her face cream before making her way down the hallway to Lorelai's room. Lorelai didn't even look up when she entered the room and for a moment Emily wondered if she was asleep. She moved closer to the bed and Lorelai finally raised her head slightly. "Where is it worst?" Emily asked softly as she lowered herself to kneel beside the bed. She waited for Lorelai to indicate where the pain was worst and then gingerly reached to touch her daughter. It had been such a long time since Lorelai had allowed her to touch her. When Lorelai didn't immediately flinch away from her she gently increased the pressure as she began to massage Lorelai's lower back. She could feel the tense muscles beneath the thin t-shirt fabric.

Emily kept her movements smooth and efficient and as she felt Lorelai's muscles beginning to relax began to move her hands further round Lorelai's hips and further up her spine. Richard had done this for her and it had always made her feel so relaxed. As her moved across Lorelai's side she felt movement, a wriggle as the baby shifted and she stopped. It was the first time she had felt the baby move. Her sharp intake of breath alerted Lorelai to what had happened and Lorelai shifted rolling onto her back to stare up at her with tired eyes. Emily tried to read her daughter but couldn't. Lorelai was like a coiled spring. Confusion, frustration and hormones wrapped up in a terrified rebellious sixteen year old package. "It's so strange isn't it?" Emily smiled warmly. "Wonderful, but strange."

"Yeah," Lorelai rubbed her stomach a smile forming as she looked down.

Emily watched her daughter, even with Lorelai being so young she was handling the actual pregnancy so well. Despite everything, despite all of her misgivings about how awful the situation was and how disappointed she was that it had happened Emily was proud of Lorelai. She would never ever be able to say that to her. She wasn't sure how to.

"Thanks Mom, my back feels better now," Lorelai gave her a faint smile as she looked up from her stomach

Emily took a soothing breath. "I'm glad. If you would like I could give you a foot massage and pedicure. Your ankles look swollen and I know it's difficult to…" she trailed off as Lorelai shook her head.

"Raincheck?" Lorelai yawned.

"You're tired," Emily nodded in understanding. She stood up slowly and smiled down at Lorelai. "We'll do it another time." Lorelai yawned once more, her eyes drooping to almost close. Emily could tell she was fighting sleep just as she always had as a little girl. Lorelai never wanted to miss anything even when she was exhausted. Emily reached for a throw at the foot of the bed and carefully pulled it up over Lorelai. Her hand hovered over Lorelai's abdomen and she felt the squirming baby once more. She felt her grandchild. It was magical. She looked up, Lorelai's eyes were closed her breathing slowed in sleep. Emily leant forward and softly kissed Lorelai on the forehead. It had been so long since she had been able to do that. She practically levitated from the room. She had made physical contact with both of them. The two people who would mean the most to her in the world and she had made physical contact with them. For a moment the world was a blissful little bubble.


	5. Chapter 4 - Wants and Needs

**AN - Thanks for reading peeps. Sara, um no sorry :( I'm kind of piecing this around what we saw and the snippets we were fed, with a whole tonne of infill :)I hope you enjoy this next chapter. But Most importantly I hope everyone enjoys the revival. See you on the other side folks.**

 **Chapter 4 – Wants and Needs**

"Lorelai," Emily poked her head round her daughter's bedroom door. "Christopher's here?"

Lorelai looked up from her reading in surprise. They had tried to arrange a weekly Friday night visit since Christopher had returned from Summer Camp, so far he had only visited once the week after he returned, stayed 10 minutes before giving a half-hearted excuse and not been back since. It had been one excuse after another for seven weeks. It was a week from Lorelai's due date and Emily knew the only reason that he was here was because Richard had called Straub. She had heard them yelling through the study door. She had been grateful that Lorelai had been upstairs during the call and hadn't heard what had been said. It wasn't fair that Lorelai had to be on her own through all this. Christopher should be there. It was his baby too, yet he was distanced from it all, perhaps as much as Lorelai had distanced herself from the rest of the world. It wasn't for lack of trying on Emily and Richard's behalf. They tried to get Lorelai to talk with Christopher, tried to get Christopher to come to the house. Lorelai seemed indifferent to him. The youthful flush that came with first love and the excitement and thrill at being so rebellious crashed around her sixteen year old ears as she dealt with the realities of what her life now was. Christopher was showing his true nature, a scared weak, little boy, who faced with real life, had hidden behind his odious father. Lorelai couldn't hide from what was happening. Emily wished she could shield Lorelai from all of this, but it was impossible when Lorelai was literally carrying her problem around with her. Not that the baby was a problem.

Emily fixed what she hoped was a kind and reassuring smile on her face, she was unsure how well Lorelai was going to take the next piece of news. "His parents are with him."

Lorelai's eyes darkened and narrowed with suspicion. "Why?"

Emily kept her hand on the door to steady herself, she had weakened over the past few weeks of pleasantness, almost forgotten how piercing Lorelai's looks of anger could be. She'd wanted to forget it. It was nice to be needed and wanted. It had been wonderful to be able to be a mother for once. "I think they want to discuss what's going to happen once the baby arrives." She took a tentative step forward. "Just come down have a cup of tea."

"What's the point?" Lorelai scowled. "You will all just decide for us anyway."

"Just come downstairs Lorelai. You haven't seen Christopher in a while. I'm sure he'd like to see you." Emily ignored the last statement trying to keep the smile on her face even. She jumped slightly as Lorelai threw her book across the bed. "Lorelai." Her daughter sent her a glowering look at the use of her warning tone. Emily took a bracing calming breath as Lorelai stomped past her. Lorelai was on the warpath already and she hadn't even got downstairs. Lorelai moved with surprising speed; the past couple of weeks she had been moving so slowly to try and combat the aches she was suffering in her legs, hips and back. Her anger seemed to have dulled the ache and Emily found herself walking briskly to keep up.

Lorelai entered the mausoleum like living room like a fire ball. One step behind, Emily could see Straub bristle ready for a fight whilst Francine seemed to recoil in horror at the sight of the very pregnant sixteen year old.

"Jeez Lor!" Christopher mumbled staring at Lorelai's very large round stomach with genuine terror in his eyes.

"Oh I'm sorry," Lorelai sank into Emily's armchair, forcing Emily to sit beside Christopher. "Does me being the size of a planet because I'm carrying your baby make me unattractive to you. Dad I guess you were wrong, being proud of making a baby must be something only you felt about Mom."

"Lorelai," Emily's warning use of her daughter's name cut off Richard's angry retort before he had a chance to voice it. Emily could feel the anger rising in the room from all corners. She did what she did best and took control. "We just need to discuss how the baby's arrival is best handled, when Christopher should move in and when to schedule the wedding for."

"We're not getting married," Lorelai hissed from her seat. Her arms folding across her middle. "You can't make me. You have to sign paperwork to get married and I won't sign it."

"Lorelai please," Emily looked across at her daughter pleadingly. "You're having a baby together, you have to get married. This is the way it has to be. We've already waited till after the baby is born which is bad enough. I know you don't like this but there is a way that things have to be done."

"Maybe we could wait," Christopher cut in, "Like till after we finish high school. We could do that. The baby could be like a page boy."

"Flower girl," Lorelai hissed.

"Lorelai would you consent to that?" Emily asked carefully. The idea of waiting felt wrong but if it would make the family secure she would take any date. She could tell she was on dangerous ground with Lorelai. Lorelai's blue eyes were flashing like the hottest of flames. But, what else could she do. These two scared teenagers were having a baby, at some point they would have to get married; it was the only course of action.

"No!" Lorelai hissed defiantly. "We're not getting married."

Emily swallowed the lump in her throat and tried to keep herself calm. "Ma…"

"If Lorelai is so against getting married perhaps we should just adopt the baby out. I've researched it and it's a viable option," Straub interjected. Emily was rendered mute; her eyes fell on Lorelai who seemed just as speechless. "Don't look at me like that." Straub frowned at Lorelai uncomfortable under her terrified yet indignant gaze. "That way you don't have to marry Christopher. Christopher's life isn't ruined and other then being a bit behind with school yours isn't either. It will just be a youthful mistake that we can all move on from."

Emily blinked in surprise, her brain felt like she had just dunked it in a vat of liquid nitrogen. Her mind just couldn't wrap around what Straub had just suggested. Other than one question from Lorelai, adoption had never been considered. She looked at Richard for help but he was looking at the floor. Francine was looking at the floor as was Christopher. They had already retreated from the battle that was just starting.

"I am not giving away my baby." Lorelai's voice was tight and strained.

"You're still a minor," Straub muttered. "You're parents are legally responsible for you, as they will be for your baby." Emily couldn't comprehend what the man was talking about. The words were just stabbing at her. "Right Emily?" Straub addressed her as she was the only other person still looking at him.

"Mom?" Lorelai looked at her pleadingly.

Emily was still too stunned to respond, her mouth incapable of forming words. The silence filled the room. The room screaming with the absence of sound.

"Mom, say something," Lorelai begged.

"It's for the best really," Straub sat back into his seat with a triumphant smile on his face. "None of us really want…

"NO!" Lorelai bellowed. "You are NOT taking away my baby!" Lorelai hauled herself out of the chair. "You can't do this. I won't let you!"

"Dad I don't want that to happen," Christopher weakly tried to intervene.

"Want has nothing to do with it," Straub blustered on. "Need is everything. You are a Hayden, you need to follow proper protocol, you need to go to school, to Princeton. Why do you think we kept you away from her over the summer? We hoped you would realise what is best for you. I can get this all arranged in a few days. All I need is Emily's or Richard's signature and it's all sorted. The baby goes away. You don't need to throw your life away because she's pregnant. Just some simple paperwork and this all goes away."

Lorelai rushed out of the room towards the bathroom, her face ashen, tinged green.

Straub watched Lorelai leave. "Why should his life be ruined? I know you want more for Lorelai as well. Besides how do we know that this baby is even Christopher's?"

Suddenly Richard was standing, drawn to his full height, towering over Straub. Straub made a scoffing sound and stood up. He was almost a foot shorter then Richard. "Come on Christopher, Francine, we should be going." He buttoned his blazer and stalked out of the room.

Emily sat stunned as they filed out. She was aware of Christopher mumbling something about wanting to know when the baby was here but that was all. Richard sank down beside her but seemed incapable of saying anything.

Slowly Emily stood up and crossed to the bathroom. She could hear Lorelai productively retching. She gently eased the door open and slipped in. Lorelai was hunched over the toilet trying to keep her hair out of her face as she vomited into the toilet bowl. Emily reached and scooped Lorelai's dark curls into her hands so it was not in the way. After three more retches Lorelai stopped being sick and the energy in the room shifted as she became aware of her surroundings.

Emily gasped as Lorelai stood and spun with speed. Lorelai's hair ripped against her rings and she knew it must have hurt. The thought vanished in an instance as Emily saw her daughter's eyes. They were blue volcano's burning with hate and anger. It was unlike anything that Emily had ever seen before and she took a step back in surprise.

"Get away from me!" Lorelai hissed trying to push past her out of the room. In the small confined space and with Lorelai's unwieldy dimensions and balance they collided and Emily grabbed at Lorelai's shoulders to steady them both. "Get off of me. Don't touch me!" Lorelai shoved Emily pushing her into the sink basin as she fled from the small room.

Emily followed ignoring the pain in her hip where she had struck the sink. "Lorelai!" Emily called after her, "Lorelai please," she caught Lorelai's arm trying to make her daughter stop so she could reassure her that there was no way that they would give the baby.

"No, let me go. Get off me!" Lorelai spun and tried to push away once more. "Leave me alone!"

"Lorelai!" Emily struggled to keep hold of her flailing daughter. "Lorelai!"

"Leave me alone," Lorelai shoved her roughly. "I HATE YOU!"

Emily recoiled as if she had been struck in the face; her grip failed her, allowing Lorelai to flee for the safety of her room. Emily felt her legs give way and she sank to the floor, tears spilling down her cheeks. She had battled with Lorelai for most of her childhood. There had been mean words and screaming matches, looks that stung and barbs that sliced like a knife, an undercurrent of resentment, the looks of loathing, but never, ever, had her daughter told her she hated her. She felt like she had been ripped apart and her guts were spilling out over the immaculate Persian rug.

 **xXx**

The next day the family were passing ships in the night. Richard took himself off to the office even thought it was a Saturday and he usually worked from home at the weekend. Lorelai stayed in her room and Emily busied herself in busy work. Emily had always been good at busy work, she actually rather enjoyed it. With Lorelai home she had found less time of it of late, but with her heart screaming at her as loudly as her daughter had shrieked at her the night before it was a pleasant distraction.

When seven o'clock finally rolled round she sat at the table with trepidation. Richard was in his study on some kind of work call and Lorelai was nowhere to be seen. Emily could see the maid hovering, waiting to serve the dinner but was unsure what to do. After ten minutes Emily shooed the maid away and rose from the table making her way up to Lorelai's room. Her footsteps felt leaden as she approached. She had left the conversation too long and she knew it. It should been had this morning Lorelai had stewed for 24 hours and Emily had no clue what she was going to find. She didn't want this conversation but Lorelai had to eat. She wasn't even sure if Lorelai had eaten at all today. That certainly wasn't good for the baby, especially as Lorelai had missed dinner last night also. She knocked on the door once and then opened it immediately. She knew that she wasn't about to be invited in.

Lorelai was laid on her side facing away from the door. "Go away."

Emily pushed her lips together to hold back something… tears? A scathing retort? She wasn't sure. She settled for protocol and process. "It's seven ten Lorelai, it's dinner time."

"I'm not hungry."

"The baby might be." Emily tried a different tack to get Lorelai to engage with her.

"I'm not hungry so she's not hungry. She's my baby. I know what she needs." Lorelai hissed, still not moving to look at her.

"Lorelai, please come downstairs," Emily took a step forward.

"No."

Emily took another step closer. "I know you are angry about yesterday but…"

"ANGRY!" Lorelai pushed herself into a seated position, if she hadn't been pregnant the move would have been fast and furious but so close to her due date her movement was awkward and slow. "He said he was going to adopt the baby out and you SAID NOTHING!"

Emily tried to brace herself against the force of her daughter's accusation. "I was shocked," she mumbled weakly. "Lorelai, you know that I would never allow that to happen. We would never do that."

"But you didn't say anything," Lorelai burst into tears, slumping down onto her elbows. "You want me to be part of a family that doesn't even want her," she dissolved into choking sobs unable to say anything else.

"Lorelai," Emily moved to comfort her daughter. As her hand reached out Lorelai flinched away from her. "Lorelai," she said her daughter's name as if she was pleading for her life.

"No," Lorelai violently shook her head, shrinking away from her more. "You don't care that they don't want her. You don't care that I would be miserable. You just…you just…I'm not marrying him…I…I…just…go away." Lorelai dissolved into tears once more, her shoulders heaving.

"Lorelai," Emily tried once more to reach for Lorelai, to hug her and hold her tight. To tell her that it would be all ok. To do what she should have done the night before. "Lorelai," Lorelai's head whipped up so quickly that their heads nearly collided, her daughter flailed her arms, pushing her away. "Please," Emily whispered, begging.

"GO AWAY!" Lorelai screamed at her.

Trembling, Emily took a step back from the bed biting the inside of her cheeks to prevent herself from reacting. As much as she wanted to argue her case, as much as she wanted to stay she knew she couldn't. It wasn't good for Lorelai to be this upset; it wasn't good for the baby. "Alright Lorelai. I'll go," she took another step back, "but please calm down. And Please come down and get something to eat," the next phrase choked in her throat and she wasn't able to say the one thing that she knew her daughter needed to hear. She scurried out of the room and closed the door behind her, clinging onto the handle with white knuckled intensity. "Please know I love you," she whispered into the empty hallway. She knew she should have said it on the other side of the door.

 **xXx**

Emily peered out the window at the falling snow. It was too early for the damn snow. It was only the beginning of October. As much as she hated the snow she had to admit it felt fitting. Everything about the last few days had felt cold and dreary, like all the life had been sucked from the house. After her fight with Lorelai the previous evening she had sat up in the living room until 2am hoping that Lorelai would come down for some food. She hadn't and the only reason that Emily had gone up to bed was because Richard had forced her. She had barely slept and she felt exhausted. Worse still Lorelai was avoiding her. She had been sat in the living room most of the day only getting up to use the bathroom, and each time she had exited the bathroom she had seen Lorelai race up the steps as best she could with some food in her hand. Emily hated eating in the bedroom but she was pleased that Lorelai was at least eating something.

Her own stomach growled and she placed her perfectly manicured hand on her stomach to quell the noise. Richard looked up over his paper "No," she cut him off before he spoke.

"But its 8.45," he lamented. "She's not coming down and that roast will be as hard as leather and it will sit in our stomachs while we try to sleep."

"Richard, she knows what times we eat." Emily scowled at him.

"This is ridiculous," Richard threw his paper on the table. "We have sat here for an hour and forty five minutes. If you want her here so badly go and get her!" He scowled down at his empty place setting. "If she's not down in five minutes, I'm eating. I want at least an hour before bed between the time I eat and when I go to sleep."

"Fine!" Emily threw her linen napkin on the table cloth and stalked towards the stairs. She knew it had been a mistake to get the maid to pass on the message about dinner but she had been at a loss of what to do. Her anger at Straub and her own inability to comfort Lorelai was mingling with her frustration at Lorelai's behaviour and the hurt she felt over Lorelai's rejection forming a toxic lump that was sitting in her chest. She was stressed and tired; she knew that she was liable to start snapping which was the last thing they needed. It wasn't that she didn't understand Lorelai, in fact she completely understood why Lorelai had got so upset but if they were able to talk about these things then it would be so much simpler. If they were able to embrace each other and assure each other it would all be Ok even if it was a lie, it would all be so much easier.

"Lorelai," she knocked on the door. She listened for a moment but there was no response. In fact there was no anything. No music, no television. She pushed open the door gently, conscious that if Lorelai was sleeping she didn't really want to wake her; Lorelai needed her rest as much as she needed to eat properly. The room was dark. The bed was empty. Emily pushed the door wide open and stared at the empty room with a mixture of confusion and concern. "Lorelai?" she scanned the room, just in case that Lorelai was sat somewhere else in the large room. She took a step back out of the room and crossed the landing to the bathroom that Lorelai used and knocked gently "Lorelai?" There was no noise, just silence and the door opened easily in her hand. Emily pivoted and walked briskly to the nursery. This too was silent and empty. Panic rising Emily rushed to her bedroom, hoping that Lorelai had decided to use their bathtub without asking. As with the other rooms it was empty. She stepped out into the hallway and listened. The whole house was still and silent.

"RICHARD!" Emily yelled as she ran towards the staircase. She nearly tripped as she made her way down the stairs. Richard was halfway towards her as she stumbled to the ground. "She's not here." Emily mumbled at him before he had a chance to ask what was wrong. "She's not upstairs."

"What?" Richard stared at her with shock and disbelief and then dashed up the stairs.

Emily stood for a moment, her heart was pounding and she could hear the blood coursing round her body. Her rational mind was telling her to stay calm, that giving in to panic was stupid but her irrational mind was drowning it out. Her heavily pregnant sixteen year old daughter was nowhere in the house, outside was cold and dark, snow was falling steadily from the sky blanketing the ground. She just wanted to scream. She could hear Richard yelling, demanding that Lorelai answer him this instant and she turned to look back up the stairs. As she did a rectangle of paper caught her attention. It was out of place. White shining out against the warm brown of the mahogany table it was placed on. She rushed towards it and picked it up. _Mom and Dad_ was written in Lorelai's round print. Emily opened the piece of paper out and gagged.

 _Dear Mom and Dad. I'm in labor. See you later. Lorelai._

"She's not up there," Richard rushed down the stairs staring at her in confusion. "What's that?" he snatched the paper from her hands, his eyes scanning the note. "What?" He rushed to his office.

Emily followed him. "What are you doing? Lorelai is missing. Lorelai is in labor. We need to find her."

Richard ignored her instead falling into his chair and grabbing a phone book from his drawer. He grabbed the phone and quickly scanned the book for a number he should try and dialled. "Yes, hello, we've had word our daughter is in labor… Lorelai Gilmore…No…Not on record…No just that she was in labor. This is the hospital nearest to her house…Yes I'll try St Francis …Thank you," he quickly dialled another number. "Yes, hello, we've had word our daughter is in labor...Lorelai Gilmore…She is…Emergency?…Alright…Thank you." He put down the phone. "She's at St Francis."

"Is she in the emergency room," Emily whispered.

"She booked into the emergency room," Richard told her as he got up. "The woman said to go to information when we get there and they will check where she is for when she get there."

Emily pivoted and ran towards the closet to get her coat. Richard followed slowly behind her "Richard hurry up! She's having the baby, we have to get there. She needs me!"

 **xXx**

As Richard forced her into the chair she felt like she was floundering. Lorelai had kept her out of the delivery room. She was sat outside the delivery room and her daughter was about to go through the most difficult thing alone. Emily had no clue what she was supposed to do. The anger that had just spewed out over a panting contracting Lorelai was gone. Wiped away as quickly as it had come. Her panic at Lorelai's disappearance, her annoyance at Richard for driving so slowly, her anger at herself for not trying to break down the wall that Lorelai had built up over the weekend had all conspired to turn her into that person she hated. A person that screamed at a labouring girl about driving licenses and her own right to have brought Lorelai to the hospital. That person that was never needed, and now because she had been that person, because she had been her worst self she was sat outside the delivery room. She was being kept outside the room where her daughter and nearly born grandchild were. She hated herself.

Emily lifted from the seat slightly as she heard Lorelai cry out through the door of the delivery room. Richard's arm fell across her holding her in her seat and she scowled at him. "Emily," he whispered softly. "You have to let her want you."

Emily slumped back in defeat. Every part of her was telling her that she needed to be in the room with her daughter and every person was telling her she couldn't be in there. Lorelai, Richard, the nurse. Everyone knew she wasn't wanted but her.

They sat there for hours, Richard slowly drifting off to sleep as she ripped her perfectly manicured nails to pieces, the polish peeling off in a strangely satisfying way. Every once in a while she could hear Lorelai scream or cry out. It was barely perceptible but she could hear it, hear her baby in pain and agony. Three times she rose and got as far as the door her hand trembling as she made to push it open, but she couldn't go through. Richard's warning words were eating at her. Lorelai had to want her. Lorelai didn't want her. If she was wanted then someone would come and get her and no one was coming to get her. She was unwelcome, unwanted. She paced the room, trying desperately to distract herself. She glanced at the clock. 3.59am. She knew that labor could take a long time. She knew it was hours of unrelenting agony. It would be getting worse and worse. She just wanted to be there for Lorelai, to help her through it. She just wanted to know that they were OK. She needed to know they were OK.


	6. Chapter 5 - Right and Wrong

**AN - So I had this ready before the revival and then I watched it and I'm so glad I did because I could add something in based on something Lorelai said, just to tug on those heartstrings a little bit more mwahaha :) Anyway hope you enjoy.**

 **Chapter 5 – Right and Wrong**

"Mrs Gilmore?"

Emily's head snapped up at the sound of the nurse calling her name into the waiting room. "Yes, I'm Emily Gilmore."

"Lorelai is asking for you." the nurse told her lightly taking a step back to hold the door open.

Emily pushed out of her seat and raced to the door. "Is she alright?"

"They are both fine." the nurse assured her, pointing towards a door that bore the sign delivery room 2.

"They?" Emily whispered as she was guided into the room. _They_ meant Lorelai had had the baby already. _They_ meant that Lorelai hadn't needed or wanted her. Yet somehow she was wanted now after the event. She glanced at the clock on the wall 4.45am. The room was quiet, there was no screaming or shouting that had all been done with her out of the room, instead there just two medical professionals speaking in hushed tones in the corner and a tiny mewling sound. It was calm the work had been done. The room smelt of blood, sweat and the disinfectant that was trying to mask it. Emily gasped as she took in the sight before her. Lorelai looked exhausted and elated. Her hair was stuck to her crown with sweat. She was staring downwards her eyes transfixed. Her young face was with grey with tiredness but her cheeks flushed with what Emily knew was the overwhelming feeling of love her daughter was experiencing for the tiny person in her arms.

Emily stumbled towards the bed and stared down at the baby. Without needing to be told she knew that Lorelai had been right. It was a girl. The baby looked just like Lorelai had done, a small crop of dark hair and Emily knew when the eyes opened they would be the same startling blue. "Oh Lorelai," Emily whispered, trying to keep her emotion in check. Tears were threatening to spill from her eyes as she took in the beautiful sight of her granddaughter. She couldn't cry it was inappropriate. It wasn't right to let ones guard down in a public place.

Lorelai slowly turned her head up to look at her, her movement looked like she was struggling to look away from the baby. "It's a girl."

"I know," Emily whispered smiling down at the beautiful mewling baby in Lorelai's arms, "she's beautiful."

"Yeah," Lorelai mumbled her head falling down to look at the infant once again. After a silent minute she slowly lifted her head once more. "Mom they want to take her away."

"Oh" Emily looked across at the hovering medical professionals.

"It's hospital protocol ma'am," the nurse told her meaningfully, a look of tiredness in his eyes that told her she had already discussed this with Lorelai in length. Emily swallowed, she could imagine the conversation. This was why Lorelai had asked for her. Emily closed her eyes. It was probably the only thing she would be unable to help with.

"I don't want them to take her." Lorelai whispered tearfully.

"I know," Emily told her softly. "It's a horrible practice; they did it with you also."

"Mom, please, can you make them let me keep her," Lorelai looked up at her pleadingly.

"The hospital is required to observe all infants," the nurse chimed in once again. Taking a step forward towards the bed.

Emily gave a silent sigh of relief that the nurse had become the bad guy meaning she didn't have to be and raised her arm to indicate to the young woman to stop walking towards the bed. She complied falling back to her corner while Emily stepped closer to Lorelai. "I'm sorry Lorelai, there is nothing I can do," Lorelai scowled and looked back down at the baby, "but you'll get her back very soon," she tenderly brushed a tendril of Lorelai's hair from her daughter's face. Lorelai didn't appear to notice, her eyes stuck on her daughter's little face. "I could go with her, if you would like?" Emily asked Lorelai softly. "I can keep an eye on her, while you have a shower and get some rest. Hmmm? Would you like that?"

"Ok," Lorelai whispered not moving an inch. "Be safe baby, I love you," she kissed her daughter making the baby squirm.

Emily caught sight of the tiniest relinquishment on the grip that Lorelai had on the baby and gingerly reached out and lifted her granddaughter from Lorelai's arms. The baby squawked in protest and Emily quickly nestled the infant into her arms. The baby wriggled to find a comfortable position and Emily smiled down in adoration at the tiny being in her arms. "Hello Sweetheart," she cooed, as she took in the contours of the baby's delicate yet slightly squished features. The feeling was overwhelming, she had loved only one other thing more than the baby in her arms and that was Lorelai.

She looked back at her daughter, Lorelai was trying not to cry, her hormones and exhaustion conspiring against her as she tried to come to terms with being apart from the baby she had carried within her for nine months. "It's alright Lorelai," Emily tried to comfort her. "I'll send your father home for your things. You'll feel better once you've cleaned up and got some rest." She smiled reassuringly but she knew she was lying, she hadn't felt better until she had held Lorelai in her arms again. Slowly she moved to the clear plastic bassinet that the hospital had prepared for the baby and laid her granddaughter down. The baby squawked at the hard feeling of the plastic and began to whimper. The baby's whimper caused the tears Lorelai was fighting to spill down her cheeks and Emily was torn between staying with the new infant and going to Lorelai and comforting her.

"Go with her Mom, make sure Rory's Ok," Lorelai cried, burying her face in her hands.

The nurse started to wheel the plastic bassinet away giving Emily no chance to question Lorelai over the name. She followed behind the nurse, her shoes clacking loudly on the linoleum floor. She made the nurse pause for a moment so she could wake Richard and send him home to get what Lorelai and the baby would need, before allowing the nurse to lead her to the nursery were she was made to wait outside. Emily stood in the window watching the nursery nurse with intrigue as she positioned the baby into a space near the front. Another baby started to cry and the nurse moved away to tend to it leaving Emily with an unobstructed view of her grandchild. Alone in the hallway, Emily stared down at the tiny baby and started to weep as her feelings of shame, disappointment and concern smashed together with the overwhelming emotions of love and joy breaking the barrier she had been holding on to as best she could. She was a grandmother at 42 to one of the most beautiful babies she had ever seen. It was disorientating. It was all wrong but it all seemed so right.

 **xXx**

"Lorelai Leigh? What is she thinking? What kind of name is that? To name the baby after herself it's just so ridiculous!"

Emily closed her eyes as Straub continued his rallying protest against what Lorelai had decided to name the baby. Straub had been the third surprise of the day. The first being the baby's arrival, the second being that Lorelai had announced she was naming the baby after herself and then finally that Christopher and his parents had turned up. Christopher's parents hadn't got further then Lorelai's room, while Christopher was currently off looking at the baby with Lorelai who was positively glowing now that she had had some sleep. The baby was still in the nursery and Lorelai was spending all the time the nurses were allowing her too outside the glass window staring at her daughter in protest at being kept apart.

"It's a frankly ridiculous name, I mean…"

"It's not!" Lorelai's indignant voice sounded as she slowly entered the room. "It's a perfectly practical name for a perfectly perfect baby"

Emily noted the emphasis on the word perfect and the sheepish look that flushed across Christopher's stunned face and wondered what had just been said between the two teenagers.

Lorelai remained standing as she sent a glowering imperious look at Straub. "What would you have had be call her, Straubella! Now that really is ridiculous!"

Emily admired the puce colour that fell across Straub's face almost as much as she admired Lorelai's ability to stand her ground with Christopher's father. "Christopher, why don't you take your parents to look at their granddaughter," she interjected quietly, taking amusement from the disgusted look that Straub threw at her. Christopher nodded dumbly. "Straub, Francine," she nodded somewhat coldly as they filed passed her and turned to look at Lorelai. She waited until Christopher has led his parents from the room before she approached her daughter. She knew she must be in some level of pain but that was Lorelai was not about to show it to Straub who was undesirable number one in Lorelai's world. "Do you need help?" she asked as she saw Lorelai's shoulders droop slightly.

"No," Lorelai moved slowly over to the bed and gingerly sank into the plastic mattress with a hiss of discomfort. "Do you think they will let me have Rory soon?"

Emily glanced at the clock, it had been three hours since Lorelai had last held the baby and she knew from her own experience that those hours felt like eternity. "I can go and ask for you?"

"In a bit," Lorelai settled down into the bed. "They should see her first. She is their granddaughter after all." she scowled slightly. "Chris called her pretty. She's more than pretty."

Emily smiled. "She's beautiful," her smile widened as the look of pride fell across Lorelai's face. "Are you sure you don't need anything? Something to eat?"

Lorelai shook her head and then looked up at Emily nervously. "Are you angry about her name. I mean I know you like Lorelai because I'm called it. Guys get to call babies after themselves all the time. I figured, why couldn't I?"

"I've never thought of it like that," Emily straightened the blanket over Lorelai's legs to avoid making eye contact.

"You are angry aren't you," Lorelai sounded deflated. "Lorelai is a pretty name, it's different. She's different," she gave a huff of annoyance. "I thought you'd like it. You know I'm respecting the family tradition. Lorelai Gilmore III. It has a nice ring." Emily continued to pull the blanket tight, unsure how to respond. Lorelai suddenly gave a snort of amusement. "Oh My God, it's not that you don't like that I called her Lorelai it's that you don't like Lorelai. You don't like my name!"

Emily looked up startled. "I do like your name." she shifted awkwardly under Lorelai's gaze. She gave a sigh of defeat. "I like your name now. It's just, you were supposed to be called Victoria. Your father switched your names around as he wanted you to be named after your grandmother." She smiled uneasily at Lorelai, taking in her daughter's gleeful expression at her discomfort. "I like Rory, it's not something I would have chosen but it's very sweet."

"A sweet name for a sweet girl," Lorelai nestled down into the pillow.

They fell into an uneasy silence, and Emily busied herself with straightening the bedding and then sorting through Lorelai's belongings. Every few seconds Emily looked over her shoulder at her daughter in the bed. She could tell that Lorelai was beginning to wane, that the visit and the sparing with the Hayden's had depleted what little energy she had gained from the few hours of sleep she had got in the morning. With nothing else to sort or straighten Emily turned back towards the bed, ready to once more ask Lorelai if there was anything she needed.

"I thought I would be skinny again after I had her," Lorelai mumbled her hands smoothing over her still round, though much smaller stomach.

Emily gave a soft sight and moved across to the bed. She hovered by the bed struggling to decide if trying to smooth Lorelai's hair was appropriate. Her hands fell listlessly by her sides and she gave Lorelai a rueful smile. "It will take a few weeks. There is a saying, it took 9 months to put on and…"

"Uck!" Lorelai grimaced. "I don't want to be fat anymore. I was looking forward to being skinny. It was right up there after holding my baby. Did it really take you 9 months to lose weight?"

Emily looked downwards, she had never been able to lose the last five pounds of the weight she had gained during her pregnancies. "It will take a little while and getting some gentle exercise will help," she smiled uneasily as Lorelai made a scoffing sound. "Are you sure there is nothing I can get you?" All Lorelai had eaten was a disgusting looking sandwich and she wanted her to eat something wholesome and nutritious to help her recover from the birth.

"Maybe in a bit, but…" Lorelai looked down nervously, "can you stay until they go?"

"I can stay as long as you need," Emily reached and fiddled with the pillow case on the pillow. "There really should be two cases on this to stop the pillow from sliding."

"Mom," Lorelai's voice was small and childlike, "are you mad?"

Emily looked down at her, there were many things that she could be angry about and she knew at some point she would probably succumb to the anger over how things were done, what things were said but right now all she felt was relief that both Lorelai and baby Rory were safe and well and the overwhelming love she felt for her new tiny granddaughter. "Mad?"

"I shouldn't have just gone," Lorelai whispered.

"No you shouldn't have," Emily nodded in agreement, her lips pulled into a thin line. "I was very concerned."

"Is that why you yelled?" Lorelai looked up.

Emily was forced to take a calming breath, the girl in the bed looked younger then she had in years, so uncertain and nervous. So unlike Lorelai. There was no bravado, no loud confidence, no cracks or quips or lightning fast wit. Just a scared little girl in the bed. Her little girl. Lorelai looked as she did when she had been 12 years old and had come to her convinced she was dying because she had just started her period for the first time. "Yes," Emily whispered simply.

"Where you outside the whole time?" Lorelai asked nervously fiddling with the wristband that linked her with the baby

"The whole time," Emily nodded, she felt like she should reach and touch Lorelai, embrace her daughter in a warm and loving hug. She rocked from one hip to the other trying to figure the best way to do it with Lorelai in bed.

At that moment the door opened and the clear bassinet was wheeled in, Lorelai sat up, her mood brightening as she saw her daughter.

"Here we are Lorelai. Her father said you were eager to see her and we thought we would have another go at nursing." The nurse pushing the bassinet alongside the bed. "He had to go but he said to say goodbye."

"Whatever," Lorelai shrugged and leaned forward to take the baby. Her eyes studied the baby "When can I take her home?"

"Perhaps tomorrow," the Nurse told her pushing the bassinet out the way so there was more room at the side of the bed for her to observe. "Now, shall we get started?"

Lorelai looked up self-consciously at Emily and Emily took a step back from the bed realising that she was being dismissed. "I'll go see about getting you some decent food," she strode out the room. Normally the dismissal would have hurt but today was different. Today was about what was best for Lorelai and baby. Hugs and kisses could come later.

 **xXx**

Emily poked her head around the door of the nursery and smiled. Lorelai was sat watching Rory sleep in her bassinet. The baby had been home for 5 days and the house was bending to her will as she wrapped them all around her tiny perfect fingers. Lorelai had spent every waking moment with her daughter, mostly just staring at her as the baby slept. She was excited to show off the baby and share her, allowing them access whenever she herself from sleeping or needed to take a bath or had to do something for Rory as it meant that the baby was being watched. Emily had had several wonderful snuffling snuggling cuddles with the tiny infant while sat in the rocking chair. Even Richard, once he'd got over his initial fear that he might break her had taken to carrying the baby down to his study to show her his books and tell her about all the wonderful things she was going to read and learn. Rory was a very placid baby, perfectly content to be toted around by whichever adoring family member had her. She hadn't really cried yet, probably because she was being watched so closely and Lorelai was so closely observing a schedule she didn't have a chance to be wet or get hungry.

Emily knew it could all change. Lorelai had been placid to begin with, sleeping most of the time the first few weeks and then once her eyesight had strengthened and she had gained her head control that had been it. Her bright little girl had wanted to see everything, and it had been a battle to get her to sleep because Lorelai had not wanted to miss a thing. Once she had learnt to crawl it had been a nightmare and Lorelai had gone from walking to running in a matter of moments and Emily had found herself thoroughly exhausted by the rambunctious inquisitive child.

"Lorelai," Emily whispered softly not wanting to wake the baby. "Christopher is on the phone."

"Oh," Lorelai looked up surprised. "What does he want?"

"To talk to you," Emily smiled. "She'll be fine on her own for a few minutes. Go speak with Christopher."

Lorelai scowled. "Fine." She got up slowly and moved to the door, she cast a nervous look back at the bassinet before leaving to take her call.

Emily hesitated in the doorway but seeing that the baby was asleep and knowing that Lorelai would be back in only a few minutes she left the door open and went across to her bedroom leaving that door open also so she could hear the baby. It was wonderful to have a baby in the house again. It had happened the wrong way but now Rory was here she wouldn't change it for the world. She hoped that Christopher's renewed interest was a sign of things to come. Francine had sent a beautiful floral arrangement and Christopher had turned up yesterday with a teddy bear. Lorelai appeared to forgiven him for only calling Rory pretty, when she was in fact perfect. It seemed as if the situation that had seemed so bleak and wrong earlier in the year was going to work out as it was supposed to. He and Lorelai would be together, get married, live together, Christopher would work for Richard, and they would be a family. The plan would come together.

Lorelai and Christopher getting married was how it was supposed to be, it was what she wanted yet as she heard the little mewling sound of the baby in the other room she let out a little sad sigh. There was something gnawing at her and she couldn't figure out what. Everything was about to turn right yet it was all feeling a little bit off. A little bit wrong.

 **xXx**

"Who's my pretty girl?" Emily tickled the baby's bare belly. "Is it you?" She cooed at the four week old lying on the bed in front of her, "are you my pretty girl?" The baby made a gurgle and Emily tickled her bare tummy once more. "Yes, yes it is! you're my pretty girl!" She lifted the baby from the comforter and kissed her on her cheek and bare stomach before laying her down once more to study the baby. The baby was growing in leaps and bounds; she no longer had that slightly squished new baby look. Her features were delicate, finer then Lorelai's had been, her hair slightly lighter. She had grown more alert over the past few weeks, her blue eyes trying to focus on everything. She was inquisitive and smart, Emily could tell. Lorelai had always hit her milestones a few weeks earlier than the information said and Emily was certain the baby would as well.

She did up the baby's sleeper suit and smiled down at her. "There we are all cosy. All comfy cosy. My little one's all cosy. Aren't you?" she lifted the baby and nestled her into the crook of her arm. Rocking slightly she smoothed the baby's hair. "Yes, yes you are, aren't you my little one, you're all comfy cosy and safe and warm."

"Emily?"

Emily tore her eyes from the baby as Richard came into the room. "Richard you're back, I wasn't expecting you till tomorrow."

"The meeting finished earlier than I expected I was able to get the 8 o'clock train back," Richard frowned as he looked down at her. His eyes travelling over the sight of her sat in the bed in her robe holding the baby. "Emily what are you doing?"

Emily blinked in confusion at his tone and looked back down at the baby. "She was fussing, I didn't want her to wake Lorelai."

Richard slowly approached the bed. "She's supposed to wake Lorelai."

Emily scoffed. "She needs her sleep, I was still awake," she shifted slightly giving more space so Richard could sit beside her. "Sit," Richard did as he was bidden sitting beside her with a haze of discomfort that she couldn't quite place. She ignored the feeling and instead looked back down at the yawning baby in her arms. Emily leant back into Richard, her head falling onto his broad shoulder. "She's so beautiful."

"Yes, she is," Richard mumbled in agreement "Emily?"

"I think she's going to smile soon, she's such a happy little thing." Emily stroked the baby's soft cheek. "Our happy little girl."

"Emily," Richard's tone was sombre. "Don't do this to yourself"

"Do what?" Emily swallowed slowly, she could sense what he was about to say and made to sit forward but Richard put his arm around her shoulder, holding her in place. He pressed a kiss into her temple and she let out a shuddering sigh. "She's still ours Richard," She looked down at the perfect baby in her arms.

"She's Lorelai's," Richard squeezed her shoulder. "Yes she's our granddaughter but you're not speaking to her like that."

"How does it matter how I talk to her?" Emily tried to shrug out of his grip he allowed her to lift her back from his front but kept his arm on her shoulder. A comforting presence that was pulling her back to the actual reality.

"You're speaking to her like you spoke to Lorelai," Richard whispered sadly. "She isn't ours Emily. She isn't Susan."

Emily gasped at the painful use of the name. It was the next girls name on the list they had put together one drunken night on their honeymoon. Five names for girls, five names for boys. Susan had been the third girls name on the list. Victoria, Elizabeth, Susan, Alice and Rebecca. She had never got to use any of them. Not properly. Lorelai was supposed to be Victoria, Elizabeth had been their penultimate baby. The doctors hadn't allowed her to hold her afterwards for fear of upsetting her further. Instead they had just taken her away to wherever it was that they took babies that never existed. She supposed they were right that holding her would have upset her, especially as she should have been holding her inside. She should have been inside her for another 19 weeks. She had seen her though as they had lifted her away from her, she had been so tiny but so perfect. Holding the new baby felt right, she was warm and soft and smelled so wonderful. Holding her helped to dull the ache she carried with her every day that she had learnt to ignore.

"Let me put Rory to bed," Richard kissed her on the temple again. "It's nearly time for her feed. Lorelai will be up soon," he slipped out from behind her and stood hunched over her.

Emily looked down at Rory and sighed trying to fight the tears that were threatening. Richard's large hands wormed under Rory's head and backside and he lifted her from her arms. She watched as he brought her up to his shoulder, one large hand holding Rory secularly while the other tenderly squeezed Emily's shoulder. As he left Emily rose from the bed and began to pace. She felt bereft. It was stupid. She was stupid. She knew the baby…she knew Rory wasn't hers. She knew Rory wasn't Susan.

The sound of the closing door made her turn and she stared at her husband. He wasn't holding Rory anymore. His arms were empty. His big blue eyes were radiating tiredness and concern. He was rumpled and tired and staring at her with such love she couldn't take it.

"I'm sorry. I didn't mean to upset you," he whispered taking a step forward.

Emily started to cry, ugly crying. Big choking sobs that made it hard to breathe. Suddenly she was in Richard's arms and it made it even harder. He allowed her to sink to the ground, his big strong arms wrapped around her. Just holding her. Finally what she had been holding in for the past month, for the past seven months fell out of her mouth. "Why could she do it and I can't." It felt wrong to say it. It felt wrong to be jealous of her daughter but she couldn't help it.

"Oh Em," Richard pressed a kiss into Emily's hair. "It's alright, it will all be alright."


	7. Chapter 6 - Grandmother

**AN- Thanks Sara, yes poor Emily.**

 **I hope you all enjoy the next chapter, let me know what you think x**

 **Chapter 6 – Grand/mother**

"Mom!"

Emily jerked awake as she was shaken violently. For a moment she was disorientated, the bedroom was dark, illuminated only by the light in the hallway. "Wha?" she mumbled struggling to engage her brain.

"Mom, there's something wrong with Rory. Mom! Wake up!" Lorelai shook her again.

Emily's brain snapped awake and she sat up pushing Lorelai away from her so she could get out of bed. Lorelai ran out of the room and Emily followed as fast as she could. She could hear Rory whimpering as she approached the nursery and she tried to remain calm. As she rushed into the nursery Emily tried to comprehend what was going on. Lorelai had picked up her seven month old daughter and was holding her tightly, pacing with panic around the room and bouncing the baby to try and calm her. Emily tried to assess her granddaughter, but Lorelai was holding her in such a way that she couldn't get a good look. "Lorelai," she took a step forward, "Let me look."

Lorelai stared at her for a moment, as if she was trying to figure out why she had asked her to come.

"Lorelai," she said once more her tone more commanding holding her arms out for the baby. Lorelai relinquished her grip on Rory, handing the baby over to her and staring at them with wide eyed panic. Emily took a soothing breathe and pressed her hand against Rory's forehead. The baby was warm, but not feverish and her own level of panic came down a few notches. She moved to the rocking chair and sat down settling the baby on her lap so she could look at her properly. Rory's cheek was red and she looked thoroughly miserable but she was holding her head properly and was fidgety. Whenever Lorelai had been sick she had always been listless, so Emily took this as a sign that the baby was not sick and the whimpering was something else. Emily took a relieved sigh and lifted Rory, repositioning her so she was cuddling the baby in one arm, the baby still facing her but now nestled into her embrace. She tenderly smoothed the baby's downy soft hair and rocked the chair with the tip of her toes. "What's wrong little one?" she kissed Rory on her crown. Rory gave a grizzle in answer and Emily saw the problem. She sighed the last of her concern away and slowly extended her finger to Rory. The baby wrapped her lips around the offered finger immediately gnawing desperately. Emily could feel the raised gum where Rory's first tooth was about to erupt. "Oh that's no fun is it?" she kissed the baby once more. Tenderly she rocked Rory, ignoring the discomfort that having the baby chomp on her finger as she knew how much relief it was giving Rory. "Lorelai, Rory is alright. She's teething."

"Teething, that's it!" Lorelai stared at her incredulously.

"Teething," Emily nodded, "go to my bathroom, in the cabinet under the sink, there are some clean washcloths, dampen one and bring it back. She can chew on that and I will send Perdita to the store tomorrow to get her some teething rings," She turned her attention back to the baby.

"Why is she so warm then?" Lorelai asked, not moving.

"You were holding her rather tightly," Emily muttered without looking up, her gaze still focused on the now calm baby. "She was probably just picking up on your panic which was making her feel worse." She looked up as she heard a sharp exhalation from Lorelai. Her daughter was staring down at her with tired, angry eyes and Emily frowned in response unsure what she had done to earn that look. "Lorelai please go get the wash cloth, I can't have Rory chewing on my finger all night."

"Why don't you get the wash cloth?" Lorelai took a step forward.

Instinctively Emily rocked the chair backwards not wanting Lorelai's agitated state upsetting Rory now that she was calm. "She's settled now, let's get her the washcloth and see how she gets on with it before we start passing her around."

"Fine!" Lorelai hissed and rushed out the room.

The door smacked against the wall and Emily grimaced trying to see if there was any damage to the plaster. Rory gave a little whimper at the bang and Emily rocked her soothingly. "Oh dear what a loud noise, your Mother can be so dramatic," she cooed at the baby. "Does that feel better now?" she earned a half-hearted smile from the baby. "Hmm, does Grandma's finger taste nice? It does?" she smiled pretending that Rory's gurgles and grimaces where conversation. She kissed Rory on the forehead. "Poor baby, those nasty teeth making your mouth hurt. Grandma will make it all better."

 **xXx**

Emily looked up from her book as she heard Lorelai stomp down the stairs. Lorelai had been in a foul mood, again. With end of the academic year exams she was stressed, tired and emotional. Exams were the only time that Lorelai went into school. She had supposed to have gone back in January but hadn't, citing that as she was still nursing Rory it wasn't practical. The school had been perfectly amenable to Lorelai working from home so she and Richard hadn't forced the issue. It was just easier that way. Lorelai's footsteps echoed on the wood floor and Emily closed her book in readiness. She nudged Richard with her foot making her husband look up from his Sunday newspaper which he had been entrenched in reading for the past hour.

Lorelai came to a stop beside them. Her dark curls were wild and fluffy around her face and her eyes bore a distinct look of panic as she tried to settle a wriggling slightly grizzling Rory. "Can you watch her for me?" She shifted Rory, holding the baby out to them. "I have a biology exam tomorrow and I just…Can you…"

"Of course," Emily slid her book to one side reaching to take Rory who looked uncomfortable being held under her arms with her legs dangling beneath her. Richard, as he was sat closer got there first, rescuing the baby form her mid-air suspension and bringing her to rest on his lap.

Emily pouted a little in disappointment. As Rory had grown over the last few months, Lorelai had become more confident in her abilities as a mother and less likely to ask for help. The happiness and pride at being able to show Rory off had been dampened by none of Lorelai's 'friends' showing any interest in Rory. Emily's acquaintances paid more attention than Lorelai's school chums, oohing and aahing appropriately over the photographs that Emily was expected to produce on a regular basis. Emily was not stupid to think that the women in her circle accepted Rory's existence as simply a beautiful beloved grandchild. She knew that behind her back many awful horrible things were said about her and Richard's lack of control over their wild daughter and even worse things were said about Lorelai herself. To her face everyone followed protocol and Emily did as well. It was all how it was supposed to be and Emily refused to let it dampen the feeling of joy she got when it came to her beloved granddaughter.

Lorelai gave a sharp nod and retreated running towards the stairs and her now quiet bedroom.

"Well this is nice surprise," Richard loosened his grip on Rory slightly to allow her to wriggle into a comfortable position. He picked up his newspaper.

"I can take her if you want to read," Emily reached out, eager to get her share of the baby.

"No no, it's fine," Richard straightened his paper, returning to the page he was on. "I'm sure Rory wants to hear all about the continued analysis of how badly Pound Sterling will perform this financial year."

"Oh she does not," Emily scoffed, leaning further forward to take the baby. "Richard let me take her."

"No," Richard stated stubbornly, pulling the newspaper to prevent her to take Rory. "You see her more than I do because I'm away with work. I want to read to my granddaughter and as the content does not matter right now simply the tone, I'm going to continue to read my newspaper," he looked at her over the top of the paper. "Don't pout dear."

"I'm not pouting," Emily tried to pull her face out of the pout she knew was currently adorning her face.

"Of course not dear," Richard gave her a soft smile and turned his attention back to the paper and began to read out loud.

Emily gave a sigh and rose from her seat. She felt self-conscious now that Richard had pointed out her pouting and knew she would have to distract herself, firstly to get rid of the pout and stay out of his eye line else he would tease her mercilessly for the next couple of days while he was at home, and secondly to hide her disappointment at Richard getting this unexpected time with Rory. She picked up her coffee cup. It was still half full but it was a good as anything to serve as a distraction so she set about heading to the kitchen to refill it.

As she came back from the kitchen she paused as she observed Richard and Rory. Richard had moved the paper slightly further away so it wasn't within Rory's reach. He was reading slowly and clearly, his intonation rising and falling as if he was reading a funny story instead of stuffy financial news. Rory was staring at the paper like she was reading along with him. Emily took a sharp breath as a wave of love crashed over her. It was a beautiful sight. Unobserved she snuck through to Richards's office and quickly located the camera. She slipped her shoes off and in her stockinged feet crept back to the dining room so that she could capture the moment forever. She took a few pictures and crept a bit closer taking another snap before she got on her knees to try and capture them from a different angle. Rory turned to look at her, the baby's blue eyes flashing with interest at the movement. The movement made Richard lower his paper and look towards her. A devilish look fell across his face.

Emily blushed slightly and pulled herself up on the couch beside them with a sheepish look. "You looked very sweet, I wanted to preserve the moment."

Richard leaned across as best he could and gave her a soft kiss. Her perch disrupted Rory lunged. Emily lurched forward to catch her, stopping the baby from sliding to the floor the moment before she slipped from her grandfather's lap. Emily sighed in relief as Rory chuckled. She lifted the baby into her arms. "I'm glad someone found that moment amusing. You must be more careful!" she raised her eyebrows as she told her husband off.

"Yes dear," Richard lowered his paper and nodded, "and I relinquish my moment to you," he smoothed Rory's hair. "Your grandmother is very possessive of you little one."

"I am not," Emily scoffed as she positioned Rory into her lap, at his pointed look she smile "Well no more then you are."

 **xXx**

Emily finished reading the letter and gave a soft sad sigh. It was the end of the academic year and the school had sent Lorelai's exam results, and a letter requesting confirmation of Lorelai's attendance for next year as the special arrangement she had been afforded this academic year could not be continued into the next. In reality it was an ultimatum, Lorelai must return to class permanently, if her attendance was below 70% the school would be forced to exclude her. Someone at the school had even included a leaflet about home schooling, just in case and Emily wondered if this was a viable option.

Lorelai's results were a mixture of B's and C's except for English Composition where she achieved an A. Normally Lorelai's report contained a string of A's with the exception of gym where she always achieved a D. Lorelai always appeared in the top group of students often without appearing to even try. Emily knew she shouldn't be despondent by the results. Lorelai had essentially been teaching herself the entire academic year, a year in which she had been through so much with the pregnancy, birth and day to day of Rory's upbringing. Lorelai had done tremendously well all things considered. Emily just wished that they hadn't found themselves in this situation at all.

Slowly Emily rose from her seat; she had been half expecting the letters thinly veiled ultimatum from the school to come at some point. They perhaps had been too lenient with Lorelai about her not returning to the school. Lorelai had weaned Rory onto soft food back in March. Lorelai should have returned to school after the Easter break but there had been excuses which turned into tantrums and it all just never got resolved. There was too much else going on, Rory was main priority, and her and Richard's own lives couldn't just grind to a halt, not when there was so much extra effort to give to combat society circle gossip and snide remarks. They had to be more than perfect now, give more, be seen more, anything to redeem themselves following the fall from grace that occurred when their unmarried sixteen year old daughter had a baby. Emily just didn't have the energy to engage with anything else that might antagonise Lorelai, especially as Lorelai always kept such a close grip on Rory after any arguments barely allowing her any time with her granddaughter after one. There were too many arguments these days.

Maybe home schooling was the option. Lorelai could get her high school diploma, maybe she could even go to college, certainly not the Ivy League school as they had planned now that her grades had slipped but there were plenty of good colleges close to home. Certainly in the never ending discussions of the plan for Lorelai and Christopher marriage, Straub and Francine had dictated that they wanted Christopher to go to college. She knew they meant Princeton, which she thought was unlikely given that Christopher's academic achievement was less than stellar, but it was an option. She shuddered, she didn't want to think about Lorelai and Rory being 200 miles away. Christopher already had an in at the firm because of Richard he just needed a Business degree, not a Business degree from an Ivy League school. She shook her head and moved towards the kitchen to get some coffee.

Her eyebrows raised as she heard Rory babbling away, surprised to see Lorelai and Rory in the kitchen as she hadn't realised that they had come downstairs.

"Hello," she smiled "I didn't know you were downstairs."

"You said she had to eat down here," Lorelai gave her a pointed look as she indicated the food bowl she was holding, "something about mashed yam was not a good decorating material."

"Well that's true," Emily nodded, she set the letter and leaflet on the counter and moved to the coffee maker. "Did you give Terrie a list of food you wanted for Rory?"

"Who?" Lorelai looked across at her blankly.

"The maid," Emily poured herself a cup of coffee, "she will be going to the store soon."

"The maid's name is Tessie Mom and yeah I did," Lorelai rolled her eyes.

"Is it?" Emily looked up surprised. "I thought she said Terrie. Oh well. Miss Celine is coming tomorrow, your father and I have a fundraiser for the Symphony coming up in a few weeks, so you might want to…" she sent a pointed look towards Rory.

"Noted, I'll make sure Rory is out of sight, else she'll try and dress her up as a disco ball or Shirley Temple or something," Lorelai chuckled. "What's that?" she flicked her head towards the letter her eyes narrowing as she saw the school letterhead.

"Your exam results," Emily answered as she added a little cream to her coffee to cool it. She suppressed a smile as Lorelai grabbed at the letter, for a moment it was just like every other year, Lorelai eager to know how well she had done. She looked down as she stirred her coffee. "You did well all things considered."

Lorelai made a faint noise which for a moment sounded like she was agreeing. "B's and C's not bad considering I threw my life away, right Mom? Though I'm sure with you teaching me I can forget all about pesky subjects like calculus and focus on important subjects like Stepford Wives 101."

Emily blinked in surprise, the sudden shift in tone disorientating her. She looked up, Lorelai was scowling, clutching the home-school brochure, her eyes narrowed in disgust.

"The school sent it," Emily quickly tried to explain. "They want to know if you are coming back. If not they thought it might be a good option for you. I've not even looked at it. It is something that your father and I need to discuss."

Lorelai threw the brochure on the kitchen island in disgust, "I can't think of anything worse."

"So you want to go back to school then?" Emily put her coffee mug down feeling like she shouldn't be holding something so hot when tempers were clearly fraying.

"No," Lorelai folded her arms across her chest.

"Lorelai. You have to finish school," Emily shook her head in annoyance. She forced herself to smile as she saw Rory looking at her with concern on her cherubic face "we shouldn't discuss this in front of Rory, we're upsetting her,"

"Whatever," Lorelai picked up Rory's food bowl.

"Whatever is not a response Lorelai," Emily chastised.

"Yes it is," Lorelai scowled, her voice low and flat and tried to resume feeding Rory, "whatever is the only response because you and Dad will do whatever you want anyway," she paused as Rory let out a grizzle. "Now if you don't mind leaving us alone, I'm trying to feed my daughter and you're interrupting the process. Unless of course your intention is to starve…"

"Lorelai," Emily interrupted, cutting off her daughter's unexpected rudeness, "we will discuss this when your father gets home from Munich. I hope that Rory enjoy her lunch," she stalked out of the room, bristling with indignation at her daughter's rudeness.

 **xXx**

"What are these?"

Emily looked up from the letter she was writing. Lorelai was hovering over her holding bundles of scrunched up fabric. "They are dresses for Rory, she's growing so fast, they are the next size up," Emily told her simply frowning at the way the pretty little dresses were screwed up.

"Why…I mean…." Lorelai let out a growl of annoyance and threw the clothes on the table. "She's my daughter Mom. I get to pick her clothes."

Emily pressed her lips together, it was yet another fight, there had been more and more of them creeping in to the daily life. Mostly it was about the ever present spectre of school but more and more it was about things that Emily did for Rory. "They are lovely clothes," Emily carefully smoothed the fabric out, banishing the creases, "Rory will look adorable in these."

"I don't want her to wear them." Lorelai scowled. "Rory isn't me Mom, you are not shoving her in these stupid frilly poufy clouds. It is not happening. She's my kid not yours. You're just her grandmother. Stop buying her stuff."

Emily blanched at the dismissive way Lorelai had thrown the word grandmother into the air. "Well how else will she get stuff?" Emily hissed getting out of her chair not wanted to be in the vulnerable seated position if this was yet another argument. She could feel her anger rising, the need to snap back at her daughter dismissing what she was. "Will you buy it for her?"

"Yes." Lorelai stared at her defiantly.

"With what money?" Emily countered matching her daughter's glowering look.

"With…"Lorelai stopped her eyes narrowing to slits, "She's my daughter."

"I am well aware of that Lorelai, but you don't have a job, you don't have any money of your own. You will be returning to school in a couple of weeks and with Rory you have little time to find a job," Emily tried to calm down, tried to hold her tongue as she knew anything she said would just make it worse.

"I could get one," Lorelai countered.

"You could," Emily took a step away from her daughter, she tried to calm her voice, make it level, make it seem that she wasn't making a snide comment, even though she wanted to. She wanted to sound sincere. She took a calming breath and forced herself to smile, hoping to make it seem like she was being supportive. "Though if you do get a Saturday job I would be happy to watch Rory for you."

Lorelai let out a screech of anger "STOP IT!"

"LORELAI!" Emily bellowed back, her resolve was creaking, cracking under the weight of the horrifying look of hate that her daughter was throwing at her.

"Why do you have to keep being the creepy child catcher? Rory is my daughter. Mine!" Lorelai pressed her hand against her chest. "You are only her grandmother and that is only because I have don't have a choice!"

Emily froze, it was August but she felt like she had fallen through ice. She felt like she had been stabbed in the gut

"Don't bother telling me to go upstairs," Lorelai hissed, with such venom that Emily felt like her skin had been stripped by acid. "I'm going." Lorelai turned on her heels and sprinted up the stairs.

With Lorelai's footsteps echoing, Emily took a shaking step forward, her hand groping for something anything to provide her stability. She found contact with the wall and she stood gripping it with all her might, trying to process what on earth had just gone on.

 **xXx**

Emily kept out of Lorelai's way for the next couple of days, threw herself into her DAR, the gardening club, assisting with the final preparation for the Symphony fundraising event. Outwardly she was perfect, just as she was supposed to be but inside she felt like she was crumbling. She had never anticipated that her daughter's often fascinating way words could be used so devastatingly. Everything about that simple sentence that Lorelai had spat at her hurt and she couldn't fathom what it was that she had done that had made her deserve such treatment. All she had done was try to support Lorelai, to love her, to love Rory. She had defended Lorelai and protected her against the worst their circle wanted to throw at them. Maybe it was that she spoilt Rory, bought her too many things, but wasn't that what Grandparents were supposed to do, spoil their grandchild?

She sighed and threw back the covers of the bed. Richard was away for work and she never slept well when he wasn't there. The big bed they needed to accommodate his frame always felt too big for her to be comfortable when he was away. She looked at the clock, 2.57am. A thought struck her and she climbed out of the bed. Quietly she crossed the landing to the nursery and listened, even though Rory slept through the night, sometimes the baby would wake up before drifting off the sleep once more. In those moments Emily could steal some time with her granddaughter while Lorelai was asleep and she knew that a few cuddles with Rory would make things feel better. Emily pushed the door and smiled as she heard the soft cooing of her granddaughter. She slipped inside and approached the white crib. Rory was lying on her back with her legs raised in the air, cooing and aahing at her mobile as it gently rotated in the soft breeze.

"Hello," Emily whispered. Rory grinned at her, showing off her four perfect little teeth. "That's a very funny way to sleep," Emily commented as she took in the baby's position. "Would it be Ok if we have some cuddles?" Rory cooed in answer, rolling herself onto her side and reaching for the bars to pull herself upright. Emily aided her, lifting the baby up out of the crib and walking her slowly to white rocker in the corner of the room. "I need some Rory cuddles." Emily kissed the infant as she sat down nestling Rory into her arms. "You make me feel better," she smiled as Rory cooed in response, the baby holophrasing in an attempt at mimicking conversation. "I see you will be chatty too. You're so like your mother," she smoothed the baby's hair, "sometimes I think you could be sisters. Sometimes I wish you were," she admitted softly. Despite what Richard had said to her all those months ago, there was some small silly desperate part of her that wished Rory was their baby not only because it would make their life so much easier but also because it meant she hadn't failed as a wife, as mother, it meant she hadn't failed as a woman. Rory gently touched her little chubby hand against Emily's chest and Emily smiled, "but you are mine aren't you. You're my Rory," Rory chuckled and Emily's smile widened. "Oh am I being silly? Is Grandma being silly?" she tickled the baby's belly making Rory laugh harder. "Oh you make me so happy little one. You make everything Ok. Even if it is all wrong and you're my granddaughter and not my daughter. You make everything worthwhile. I love you Rory, I love you so much!" she lifted Rory and hugged her tightly, pressing a kiss against Rory's soft hair.

"Ah," Rory let out an exclamation, pointing at something in the room.

Emily turned to look, but didn't see anything of interest. "Is the moon making pretty shadows?" she asked the baby, failing to notice the red light of the baby monitor that had caught the baby's attention.

 **xXx**

"Lorelai?" Emily voiced her surprise as she walked into her bedroom and found her daughter walking out of her dressing room.

"Mom," Lorelai jumped her hand skirting across her pocket for a moment.

"What are you doing in here?" Emily asked putting her book on the nightstand.

"well…um…well," Lorelai looked sheepishly at the floor., "It's started to get cold at night and Rory is getting a bit fussy, and there was that shawl, wrap thing that you used in the Spring that she seemed to like, so I wanted to see if I could see it but couldn't so…" she shrugged.

Emily supressed a smile, she should be annoyed that Lorelai had come into her closet without asking but as it was because she wanted something of hers to provide comfort for Rory she found that she wasn't. "I know what you mean," Emily moved into her dressing room and quickly sourced what Lorelai was looking for, a soft blue georgette silk shawl. "Here you are," she held it out to Lorelai. For a moment her daughter hesitated, a sharp intake of breath that she tried to hide. "Lorelai?" Emily asked concerned, "is everything Ok?"

"Everything is fine," Lorelai looked up and took the shawl. Emily frowned there was something in Lorelai's eyes that told her her daughter was lying about something. "You have your Symphony event thing tomorrow, right?"

Emily blinked caught off guard by the shift in topic. "Yes, your father and I will be leaving about 6 so you will be by yourself for dinner."

"Ok," Lorelai looked down at the shawl and gave a sad sigh. "Thank you for the shawl Mom."

"You're welcome," Emily tried to make eye contact with Lorelai. "Are you sure everything is alright?"

Lorelai looked up at her, her blue eyes suddenly older then her seventeen years. "Yeah Mom, everything is alright, I've just got a lot on my mind. I've not been sleeping that great."

"Anything I can help with?" Emily asked nervously, knowing that a lot of Lorelai's concerns stemmed from unresolved arguments with her over Christopher, school and a myriad of other things that she was never sure what she had done wrong. Lorelai shook her head for a moment looking like she was about to cry. "Lorelai?"

"No Mom, it's fine." Lorelai held up the shawl, "thank you for the shawl, I'm sure it will help."

"Well good, you keep it as long as you need," Emily nodded affably. "And if you want to talk about anything you…"

"Thanks Mom," Lorelai cut her off staring at her with wide tearful eyes for a moment before pivoting and almost running out of the room.

Emily watched Lorelai leave with concern, there was something bothering her daughter and she knew it. It bothered her that she could never figure out, let alone try and fix Lorelai's problems. She sighed, at least Lorelai was talking to her though, at least she was making eye contact, even if it did make her worry. She sighed. No doubt in a few days they would be back at each other's throats. She would be saying everything wrong and upsetting and angering Lorelai with everything that she did. A few days respite would be nice. A little bit of calm was just what she needed.


	8. Chapter 7 - When it rains, it pours

**AN - Thank you so much for reading. Thank you Sara and Haileyreaves for reviewing, hope you like the more**

 **Fair warning this chapter is v sad and also covers mental health issues, if you are feeling down of just in general be warned. Also a sort of semi not sure apology but caution - I have tried to research some of the legal aspects of this situation (you know the ones that go brushed aside in the show ;)) however it has NOT been easy so it's a mixture of what is current legislation mixed with the little 80s legislation I could find plus a healthy dose of Artistic license in how its presented so its not dry and boring. Hopefully the way it comes through makes sense (or not ;)) Anyway Hope you all enjoy. Let me know what you think.**

 **Chapter 7 – When it rains, it pours**

Emily was frustrated, they were late, and her dress was itchy and the shoulders were ridiculous; making her look four times wider then she actually was. No matter what Miss Celine said about the dress being the height of style, she felt she looked ridiculous. Fashion could be infuriating. Just as Richard was being infuriating, wittering about a scarf and how he didn't want to go. Lorelai was being infuriating, refusing to acknowledge they were leaving. She frowned at Richard and then something caught her eye, a note by her chair at the dining room table. For a moment she thought it was a resignation letter from the latest maid, but why leave it there, why not leave it with the scarf? Something flared inside her, a nervous curiosity. On the front of the note in Lorelai's neat print was written Emily and Richard. Emily and Richard? Emily and Richard? Not Mom and Dad, Emily and Richard.

She opened the note. Her world froze. Her mouth dropped open in shock, her ears closed off to everything except the sound of her own blood pumping around her body, the only thing that seemed to be functioning were her eyes as they took in the words written on the page by her daughter.

 _Dear Emily and Richard_

 _I'm sorry but I have to go. Well if you are reading this I am gone._

 _I'm sorry._

 _I know I am your failure. I know I ruined your life. I just can't be what you want, or do what you want. I can't marry Christopher. I just can't do it. I can't be the daughter you want and I don't want you to make Rory your replacement do over daughter. She's mine and I have to do what is best for her. I have to find somewhere where we can be us, where we can be happy and not feel like we have failed you. I don't want to be the disappointment. I can't do it anymore. Please don't try to find us. We'll be OK._

 _Lorelai_

A hand fell on her shoulder pulling her screeching back into reality.

"Emily?

Richard's voice tried to reach her but her brain was fighting any external noise. She dropped the note. She ran, stumbling over her too long dress as she ran up the staircase. She ran into Lorelai's room, hoping against hope that this was all just some cruel joke that Lorelai was hiding in her closet like she used to do as a small child. The room was empty, the closet was empty. The window that Lorelai used to sneak out of as a younger teenager was locked. Emily spun and raced out of the room and ran to the nursery. It was not as neat as Lorelai's bedroom, things were out of place. Drawers were not pushed closed fully, a duck toy was lying on the floor, looking as it had been dropped by a small hand as the baby and her mother had rushed from the room. Emily bent down to pick it up. It was the toy she and Lorelai had chosen together almost a year ago. As her fingers closed round its soft slightly worn body, her legs gave way and she sank to the floor. Her body felt like lead, too heavy to move. It was radiating pain like something had been sliced out of her.

"Emily?" Richard crouched beside her his arm falling around her shoulder. "Emily please say something."

"They're not here," she managed to croak, unable to take her eyes off the small yellow duck in her hands.

"I know," Richard pressed his lips against her forehead, trying to provide her comfort even though he was shaking. "I called the Police, they are sending someone round. We'll find them."

 **xXx**

"Emily," Richard shook her shoulders gently, "Emily," she looked up at him, "the officer needs a picture of Lorelai and Rory."

Emily nodded dumbly, her mind was going in and out of focus. She had barely been able to process anything the police officer had told them. Richard was doing the talking, she was grateful for that, she just couldn't focus on what anyone was saying; nothing was making any sense. None of it. She moved to her desk, there was a new film that she had had developed only the other day. She hadn't had time to sort through the photos yet, to find her favourite and place it in a frame to add to her collection. She stared at the envelope, to look into it would require both hands. She was still holding the duck, she hadn't put it down, she couldn't put it down. She sat heavily in the chair and put the duck on her lap just like she did with Rory. The duck was light, it had no weight, it was no substitute. She bit on the inside of her cheeks trying to stop herself from crying but her eyes were leaking tears down her cheeks all the same. The second photo in the stack was perfect, Rory was staring directly at the camera as she clung to a table Lorelai was slightly to the left her face fully visible with her arms held out. Lorelai had been trying to get Rory to walk. Rory had flat out refused, it seemed funny at the time. Emily put the rest of the photos down and resumed clutching the duck toy, it felt like the only thing anchoring her to reality. The walk back to the couch felt like a million needles were pressing into the soles of her feet. She held the picture out to the officer and sank down into the couch beside Richard.

The two men were talking, discussing what was going to happen and she found herself unable to follow what they were saying. Acronyms and process was all going over her head. She just wanted them to find them. Suddenly the officer was standing, tucking the photo in his clipboard, shaking Richard's hand as he said about getting the poster out.

"Aren't you looking for them?" Emily whispered staring up at him in shock. "Aren't you going to search for them?"

The officer studied her for a moment and then sat down beside her on the couch. "This is how we search for them Mrs Gilmore. This is the protocol for runaway cases. We have the verbal bulletin already going, we will get the photo out as soon as we can. It goes to all transport hubs in the tristate area. Now the fact that Lorelai has the baby with her makes her visible, people look at babies. If she is out there someone will see them."

"But you have to find them," Emily whispered clutching the toy to her chest.

"We will get the image everywhere we can," the officer assured her. "Now, as I said to your husband it is a good idea to check with all her friends, check with the baby's father. She said she wanted to be somewhere she is happy. If you can think of anywhere she was happy, check there. In teen runaway cases we often find that they are hiding at their friends or they come back after a few days when the run out of money or realise how tough the world is without their parents," he smiled at her and got up. Emily followed him with her eyes because it was all she felt capable of doing. At some point the maid had come back and she started to show the officer out but Richard had waved her off so that he could take the officer to the door. Richard had called the maid as they had tried to piece the timeline of what Lorelai's movements had been. The last Lorelai had been seen was lunchtime when she had sat silently with Emily as Emily had tried to make conversation. The maid hadn't seen Lorelai after that, but had seen the stroller at 3.45 when she had been dusting the banister. Emily had been at her hair appointment then, she had got home just before 5pm, later then she had hoped. She had been in a rush. She hadn't noticed if the stroller was there or not. She had noticed it was missing when they had come downstairs only a minute before she had found the letter. It meant that Lorelai and Rory had been missing for 3-4 hours. 3-4 hours where anything could have happened. They could be cold, they could be hungry, they could be hurt, someone could have hurt them. She dissolved into tears folding in half so her face was pressed into her knees. A hand came to rest on her back, it was small and callused. She couldn't even remember this maid's name and the woman was trying to comfort her.

"It's alright," Richard voiced as he came back into the room. "I'll look after her, please can you go upstairs and get something more suitable for Mrs Gilmore to wear, a pair of pants a blouse."

The maid's hand vanished from her back and Richard's strong arms encircled her. "Emily come on now. Emily please. We have to keep it together. We aren't helping Lorelai or Rory by being so upset," he coaxed her face away from her knees. "Come on now .There's a good girl." he brushed the tears away from her face. "We'll find them. Now I'm going to go to Christopher, maybe he knows something, and then I am going to drive some of the places we used to take her to when she was younger. I want you to stay by the phone in case anyone calls."

 **xXx**

Emily remained by the phone for 4 days, she hadn't meant to take Richard's instruction to literally but she needed to feel like she was doing something. She was incapable of sleeping, she couldn't let her eyes close until she knew that Lorelai and Rory were safe. She felt so useless and alone and sore. Sitting by the phone was doing something because she would be able to answer it when it rang. Richard had taken the week off from work and was driving around the local area, going to anywhere he could think that Lorelai might go. The police liaison had dropped by to check in and provide them with the news that there was no news. Social services had been by this morning asking probing difficult questions about the family situation, and Emily had wanted to scream at the woman. All she wanted was her daughter back. Her granddaughter back. At this point she would let Lorelai dye her hair neon pink if that was what the girl wanted she just wanted her back. Emily hadn't screamed though, she wasn't sure she'd been complete coherent, as much as she felt incapable of sleeping her body was telling her she needed to. She was swaying when she sat, she felt like she was on a boat. Alone in an ocean.

The phone rang and she grabbed it, "Lorelai?"

"Emily, its Francine."

Emily couldn't help the tears that rolled down her cheeks, she didn't want to speak to Francine; she wanted the voice at the end of the line to be Lorelai. "Ee haven't heard anything yet," she mumbled down the phone.

There was a pause, an interminable too long pause. "I don't know if we are supposed to tell you, but Lorelai called here last night. Christopher has spoken with the police."

"Where is she?" Emily gripped the phone with both hands, "Where are they?"

"Christopher won't tell me, but he's told the police I just…"

"WHERE ARE THEY?" Emily screamed down the phone cutting off Francine. There were noises at the end of the line, voices in the background. "FRANCINE, WHERE ARE THEY?"

"Mrs Gilmore. I can't tell you, she said she would leave." Christopher's uncertain voice came on the phone. "They are Ok, they are safe, but I can't tell you where they are. They're safe now. I told her she should come home. I told her we didn't have to get married." He gave a sigh. "She said if I told you where she was she'd leave and never call me again. I'm sorry I just thought you would want to know they were Ok."

The phone went dead. Emily stared at the receiver waiting for them to tell her where her daughter and granddaughter were but the information didn't come. Just the sound of a disconnected line. She knew that she should put the phone back in the cradle, that by returning the phone she could call Francine back and try and find out more. She should put the phone back in the cradle so someone could call her to tell her where they were. She knew she should put the phone back in the cradle so Lorelai could call. She just couldn't seem to move.

She wasn't sure how long she sat staring at the plastic handset but at some point Richard came home. He was flanked by one of the police liaison officers. They looked sombre, serious and she knew what they were going to say. Richard took the phone from her and set it back in the cradle like she should have done and then pulled her from the floor where she hadn't realised she had been sitting. He walked her to the couch holding her while the liaison officer sat opposite. The woman started to talk, explaining what had happened during the day. Why the social services had visited. She told them about the visit that social services had had with Lorelai and the outcome. The outcome that Emily already knew. Her daughter wasn't coming home.

Words started to fly around the room but the sentences although articulated properly were being jumbled by her ears. Words like emancipation and guardianship. There was a name, Mia something and something about an Independent Hollow. The words flitted in and out of her brain as she just tried to focus on breathing; on keeping her heart pumping because it was all she felt capable of doing. Richard was demanding answers and then saying something about supporting Lorelai, about keeping them on the insurance in case they needed any medical care. He was accepting what they were being told. Emily managed to turn her head to look at him in shock. He was accepting it. Accepting their daughter running from them. Accepting that once again they…she, had failed. He left her side talking to the liaison officer about Lorelai's documentation, about getting something from his office. She was alone. The silence was screaming at her and suddenly she was moving, standing up and walking towards the front door, she was grabbing Richard's keys from the side table and she was walking out the front door into the drizzle that was falling and getting into his car. She had no explanation for what she was doing or what was happening but she just knew she couldn't accept it. She just couldn't accept she had lost Lorelai and Rory. She couldn't lose them. She would find them. She would make them understand how much she loved them. She would make Lorelai understand how sorry she was, how proud she was of her. She would tell Lorelai she didn't have to marry Christopher, that she could go to any school she wanted. Emily didn't care, she just wanted her daughter back, her grandbaby back. None of the other things mattered.

She started to drive. She wasn't even thinking, her brain was too exhausted, too in pain to think. She just drove. At some point she realised the rain was falling heavily and she turned on the wipers, not that they helped she couldn't see anyway. The car started to cough and judder and she finally looked at the gauges. The red light was on. That meant something she was sure of it. She pulled over. It seemed like the right thing to do. She sat for a moment, trying to think what the red light meant and then the car died. Gas, she was out of gas. She screamed and hit the steering wheel. She needed the car. She needed to find Lorelai. What if they were caught in this rain, what if they were cold or hungry?

She got out of the car and started to walk. She wasn't wearing a coat and in moments she was drenched, her thin cardigan and blouse plastered to her. She realised she wasn't wearing shoes, only her slippers and the water was soaking into them. She kicked them off stumbling barefoot along the pavement. She needed to find them. The slippers were getting in her way. The rain was cold, a storm that came with the change of the season. The type that ushered in Fall. The cold didn't matter. Except it did. It was making it hard for her to breathe, hard for her to move. The rain was stabbing at her weighing her down sapping what little energy she had. She needed her energy. She needed to find them. But how could she find them when she didn't know where she was.

Emily stopped and looked around. she screamed. Before her was the park. Somehow in looking for her daughter and granddaughter she had ended up at the park. It felt fitting. It was the place where they had memorialised her failure. Emily ran across the road and into the dark park. She didn't need light to find her way to the garden, to their garden. Light came all the same, savage tongue of lightning illuminating the sky before the percussive boom of thunder pressed down on her. The rockery was lit up and she stumbled towards it. There was no flowers now. She had purposefully planted flowers that bloomed when they made their once a year visit. They had built this. No Richard had built this for her so she could have somewhere to go. So they could have a place to mourn, a place to remember. Babies that are born too soon, don't get to be buried, they don't have graves. So he had given her this. They had planted the five trees to memorialise the children they never got to hold in a semi-circle around the rockery. The trees that would grow instead of their children.

Emily scrambled up the rocks, they were cold and sharp and wet. She wasn't supposed to climb the rockery she was just supposed to look at it but she wanted to be within the semi-circle of the trees. To be with them. For a moment she mused that if there were two more trees it would be a full circle. That was what it needed two more trees to memorialise the two more babies she had lost. Those two were her biggest failure because she had brought Lorelai to life and Lorelai had ran from her. Lorelai had rejected her. She slumped onto the rocks clinging to them as her agony poured out of her in waves of screaming sobs. She just wanted them. She needed them.

All she got was the stabbing pain of the rain as it poured down on her.

 **xXx**

It was dawn when he found her. The light was cold and grey. It was like her skin. His shout had woken her and when she opened her eyes she could see the horror in his eyes. For a moment her husband had thought she was dead. Emily raised her arm to him as Richard scrambled up the rocks to get her. He was crying and his tears were as warm as the rain that had soaked her was freezing. He was wearing a mac and he threw it around her wrapping her up and giving her warmth. He scooped her into his arms and staggered down trying to keep her level. She clung to him, trying to hold on to the only person she had left. The only person who didn't leave her.

Emily tried to speak but found she was incapable, she wanted to tell Richard she loved him but she couldn't her mouth didn't work. It was numb and frozen and stuck. He lowered her into the back of her car. She had lost his somewhere. He pried her hands away from his chest and she wanted to scream at him to stop she wanted to hold him. He needed to drive, he could obviously see the fear in her eyes because he kept talking to her the entire time as she lay trembling on the back seat. They were home within what felt like moments and he was scooping her up. This time she couldn't hold him, her hands weren't working, just as her mouth wasn't working. Every part of her seemed to be stripping away from her. It felt right as much as she felt frustrated by it. She needed to be looking for Lorelai, she needed to find them. She needed to hold Rory. Cuddle the baby close to her and kiss her daughter. Even if Lorelai didn't want it. She needed to kiss and hug her but she couldn't even move to hug Richard. Richard was carrying her up the stairs shouting over his shoulder to someone about calling Joshua. It took a moment to realise who Joshua was. The doctor. Maybe he could make it feel better. The stabbing pain was going and she was just feeling numb and tired…so so tired.

Richard lay her on the bed and started to strip her wet clothes from her, he was talking to her but she couldn't understand what he was saying. Nothing that was happening was making sense. The feeling that she was losing herself was creeping in and she found she didn't mind, she had already lost everything else, was she really worth trying to find anyway? At the back of her mind, some vestige, some last bastion of who she was was yelling that she was, was yelling at her to fight the numbness. The numbness meant that there was no pain. She liked the numbness. It made everything stop hurting. It made sleep possible she just wanted to sleep. Maybe if she slept she would find that this was all just a nightmare. She would wake up and be able to move and Lorelai and Rory would be right here with her. That was it she just needed to sleep.

Richard was calling to her shaking her but sleep was calling louder. She started to drift and became oblivious blissfully oblivious. Oblivious to the fact that her daughter and grandbaby was gone, oblivious to the pain. Oblivious to her husband curling into bed beside her wrapping his body around her as he begged her to wake up.

But she wasn't completely gone. Something about his cries made Emily want to be awake for him, but she still felt oblivious. It was the last vestige of her. Her love for Richard it was the only thing keeping her from leaving completely. Yet despite her love for him. She couldn't do anymore then stay. She couldn't move. She couldn't speak. She was motionless. When Richard climbed away from her to let the doctor in she drifted away. Richard was her anchor without him she could sleep Emily closed her eyes. Her oblivion returned. She was oblivious to the medication the doctor gave her, or the instructions that Richard was given. She was oblivious to it all. All there was, was sleep.


	9. Chapter 8 - At the end of the line

**AN-Thank you guys, I was a little worried it was too much so I'm pleased you thought it was Ok. I hope you like or at least understand this next chapter, taken from the Richard's comment in season one about Emily not getting out of bed for a month, this is Emily at her most broken and the chapter quite heavily focuses on depression. please let me know what you think, thank you for reading**

* * *

 **Chapter 8 - At the End of the line**

Emily slept fitfully. It all felt a little bit odd, she felt like she had been sleeping for eternity. She felt like she was awake and couldn't move as people poked and prodded her or as she was fed like an infant, but that was illogical. It was just one night of sleep. One nightmare filed sleep and she would wake up and the pain would be gone and Lorelai and Rory would still be home. It would all be a terrible nightmare. Except the nightmare didn't seemed to be ending, she couldn't seem to wake herself up. She was just stuck, frozen as the pain and grief swept over her. Why couldn't she wake up? When she started to worry too much the numbness came back and she stopped worrying about the never ending nightmare she just tried to sleep peacefully. When she thought she was awake she tried to keep track of the changing light, of how many times she saw Richard's tearful face looking down at her. She just couldn't. There was other faces too, a young woman with shiny red hair and vibrant green eyes, who Emily thought looked so pretty almost like an angel. She kept appearing and feeding her or changing her clothes. The women with red hair had a nice soft voice, she spoke gently and kindly and Emily found she liked this creation she had made in her mind. That was what she needed a little bit of kindness. When she woke up she would do the same with Lorelai. They had been arguing too much and one kind moment over a shawl didn't make up for the countless arguments about school and Christopher. They would talk when she woke up. She just didn't seem to wake up. The nightmare wasn't ending. She couldn't wake up. More faces came, Joshua, the doctor and another person she didn't know. Richard came back and then Hope, her dear sweet sister Hope. Why was Hope in her nightmare? Hope was her carefree baby sister who always forced her to let her hair down when she visited France. She hadn't seen Hope for three years. They had been supposed to visit last year but Lorelai had been having Rory so the trip was postponed. Then there was Melinda, her best friend staring down at her with wide concerned eyes. She wanted to talk to Melinda. She wanted to talk to her sister. She wanted to talk to Richard. She wanted to talk to Lorelai. Where was Lorelai? Why couldn't she move? Why couldn't she wake up?

And then she did. Not right away, the room went dark twice more before she woke up but she finally managed to wake herself up. She moved a fraction, distracted by the feeling that she was wet. In one horrifying moment she realised that she had wet herself. Except the sheets weren't wet it was just her. There was something holding the wetness to her. She could feel something round her waist. She let out a little cry of disgust but it stuck in her throat and became a gargle. Emily tried to move but her limbs didn't seem to want to cooperate. They were just shuffling in micrometres under the sheet. A face came into her vision. The woman with the red hair.

"It's alright Emily. It's OK. Try to stay calm. I know it's confusing but it's Ok, you are safe,"

Emily gasped as it crashed into her that she hadn't been asleep at all. Her nightmare had been real. She had been stuck for real. "Lore…" she tried to say her daughter's name. If her nightmare was real then it meant that her other nightmare was real. It meant that Lorelai and Rory were gone.

"It's alright Emily," the woman with the red hair spoke again. "My name is Louise. I'm here to look after you. Would you like me to get your husband?"

Emily tried to shake her head, but her neck didn't seemed to work. Her face did though and she grimaced, her hand flexing near her waist.

"I see," Louise smiled kindly at her. "I'll sort that out for you before I get him."

Emily closed her eyes wishing she thought she was still sleeping when she had thought she had been asleep she hadn't had to face the indignity. Except she found that she didn't care about the indignity just that she didn't want Richard to see it. She just wanted it to all be a nightmare. It wasn't it was all real. It was all crushingly real.

 **xXx**

She drifted in and out of sleep but she did manage, with the help of Louise, to stagger to the bathroom when she had needed to. Nothing was really making any sense to her. Nothing felt like it working right, her body didn't want to move properly and neither did her brain. In some part of her mind she realised that some time had passed but it all seemed so disconnected. Every part of what was happening to her should bother her but she found that she just didn't care. The only thing she cared about was that Lorelai and Rory were still gone. At some point Richard came into the room, he sat beside the bed and held her hand, his thumb lovingly stroking the back of her hand. She liked that but she didn't like how tired and thin he looked. She wanted to say something about that, about how he should eat properly but her brain couldn't form a sentence. She blinked and he was gone

Then Hope came. They lay on the bed cuddling like they had done when they were children. Hope whispering to her but she wasn't able to take it in. Emily blinked and then Hope was gone too.

Emily began to realise that more time was passing then she could comprehend. That it wasn't that she blinked and they went away. She fell asleep or just phased out. It was like before when she thought she was in a nightmare just that she could sort of move and could kind of speak and she knew for the most part when she was awake and what was real and what was a dream. There was just this creeping numbness and when there wasn't numbness there was pain. Sometimes she stared into space and sometime she cried. She was in limbo. She was stuck, she didn't want to be stuck.

Finally something clicked in her head and she tried to sit up. There was a rustling in the corner and she looked up to see Louise sat in the corner with a book. The young woman rose and came towards her but stopped just out of reach, letting Emily sit by herself. When Emily finally managed to sit upright the nurse smiled kindly at her.

"Would you like me to run you a bath Emily?"

Emily nodded slowly, her neck was stiff but she liked that she could move. She felt tired so she allowed Louise to help her move to the bathroom, walking was hard, her hips felt like they were carved from stone and her knees didn't want to bend. Louise helped her sit on a stool and then went about running the bath. While Louise was working she carried a steady stream of upbeat chatter and Emily tried to follow the flow, she couldn't but the noise was soothing. When it came to get in the bath she tried to stand and Louise came to help her. As she stood she caught sight of her reflection. She froze. She looked…she wasn't sure how she looked but she didn't look like her. Her hair was long, in need of a cut and there was grey showing. She looked thin but not in a good way. She was gaunt and her face had too many angles, her eyes seemed too big. Tears trickled down her cheeks.

"It's alright Emily," Louise assured her she held Emily upright allowing Emily to cry. "We're going to work on getting you back to you. It's going to be OK."

 **xXx**

Emily stared at her reflection in the mirror as Louise finished styling her hair. Yesterday Louise had brought a pack of store bought hair dye and they had spent the morning banishing the grey. Emily had never considered using a store bought dye before. It wasn't her right colour, too red and was one colour without the tones that her hairdresser normally fed through her mid length hair. Today their task had been trimming and styling her hair. It wasn't how she would normally have it styled but it made her look more like her. The corners of her mouth turned upwards slightly.

"Better right?" Louise spoke to her through the mirror's reflection. "More like you. Ready to face the world." She put down her scissors. "I know it's not perfect, I'm not a professional after all," she smiled self-deprecatingly, "but I always feel like it is my duty to try and make the person feel better in themselves not just feeling well," she smiled warmly. "I thought maybe we could do a manicure tomorrow."

Emily glanced down at her hands, her nails were too long and but still had scraps of old pink polish she didn't care what they looked like but she gave a soft nod. Louise smiled back kindly at her. Each day they were setting a little challenge, slowly working their way towards a finish line that seemed very far away and Emily couldn't even see. The young nurse kept saying 'you' but Emily wasn't really sure who she was anymore. The challenges were a nice distraction though. She still had periods when her entire body seemed to ache and then moments later she would feel completely numb. She still didn't feel like eating but there was gentle coaxing and she was at least managing to stomach very plain food. Last night's coaxing had seen Louise set a table with a flower and a candle and Richard had joined her. They had eaten in mostly silence and Richard had watched her every move anxiety pouring out of his wide blue eyes but it could have almost passed as a date and she enjoyed spending time with him. She had realised that Richard was not sleeping with her in their bedroom. She imagined he was sleeping in the guest room so to not to disturb her but she hadn't really been able to figure out a way to ask him. Her mind and her mouth were still frustratingly detached from each other.

Emily knew a long time had passed, Hope seemed to be gone now but she hadn't figured out if she had said goodbye to her sister. Melinda had been and gone again as well, she had sat and read to her from one of Emily's favourite books from college. It had made her feel safe.

Emily sighed and looked up at Louise through the reflection in the mirror "When…um…what?" she looked down at her lap, a frustrated sigh escaped from her lips.

"What's the date?" Louise guessed and put down the comb she had been using to finish off Emily's hair. "It's October 3rd It's a Thursday," she gave Emily a sad but reassuring smile as Emily allowed the information to sink in. Lorelai had left home on August 25th. She had lost over a month. She had been completely and utterly broken for over a month.

"3rd" she whispered, it was Rory's birthday in only five days. She gave a shuddering sigh. Her hand groped forward to a picture frame on her dresser. Rory sat on Richard's knee as he read to her. "She's, the 8th is…um…it's Rory's…1." she closed her eyes frustrated at herself.

"I understand," Louise smiled gently at her. "Would you like to get dressed?"

Emily looked downwards the question distracting her from the photo in her hands and she nodded slowly. It seemed like something she should agree to.

 **xXx**

Emily stared at the window, it was raining again; it had been raining all week. She was surprised she had noticed at all but today she had and it was bothering her. In her mind she had been planning this day since July. Today was supposed to be sunny and bright. There was supposed to be sunshine and a petting zoo and balloons. Today was Rory's 1st birthday. She had been planning to bring up the arrangements with Lorelai as soon as the Symphony fundraiser had been got out the way. She had been hoping that they could have worked on it together creating a beautiful party with fun and laughter. Something to bring them together after too many weeks of snapping and fighting. In her mind she would have planned a beautiful party with her beautiful daughter with that beautiful baby at the centre of the proceedings. Instead she had rain and no one.

Richard was at work today and Lorelai and Rory were god knows where. She hoped that Rory was having fun. She wasn't sure if her arms were aching because she wanted to hold her granddaughter so much or if it was just the aggravating pain she had been experiencing was coming back for another round.

Louise's little challenges were making her feel more like herself each day or at the very least more human and ready to face the world. Today was different. Today she just felt sad. Louise had seemed to understand this so hadn't set a challenge, just to get up and dressed. Today was the first day that Emily had felt truly able to comprehend just how much she missed Lorelai and Rory because she knew she was supposed to be doing something with them. She should have watched Rory open her presents even though the tiny baby would have been bemused and probably just want to play with the wrapping paper. She and Richard had been planning to buy Rory a playhouse for the backyard and clothes and books and a starter dollhouse for her nursery. Lorelai had always loved her dollhouse and Emily had wanted Rory to have one of her very own even if it was to only last her a few years before they could get her a proper one like her mother's. All these things had never been bought, they were just broken ideas.

She sighed and looked down at her hands. She hadn't done anything for her Granddaughter's first birthday because she didn't know where she was. Slowly Emily pulled herself out of her chair. Her body was still creaking, moving like she was an old woman and not someone in her early 40's. Her pants slid down from where they should have rested on her waist to rest on her hip bone. The extra inches made them too long but she didn't care anymore. She shuffled to the bedroom door and stared at the handle. She hadn't left her bedroom suite since Richard had placed her in the bed over six weeks ago.

Very slowly she reached out and took hold of the handle. She took a deep breath, it was just a handle, it didn't burn, it didn't bite. Slowly she opened the door. The hallway was clean, it smelled faintly of polish and it was far too quiet. She shuffled down the hallway and stood at the threshold of Rory's nursery. It looked just as it had when she had found them gone. Except someone, had put the duck toy in the crib where it had always lived when Rory wasn't playing with it. Moving with a snail's pace Emily crept over to the rocking chair and sank creakingly into it. Her arms ached afresh and she knew this time it was because she wanted to hold her granddaughter.

She wanted to cry but for some reason found herself unable to. She felt her chest seize and panic set in. She didn't want to be stuck again. She couldn't breathe, her lungs were collapsing in on themselves and she found herself unable to get air. Her skin felt like needles were pressing her skin.

"Emily?" Louise surprised voice sounded from the doorway. "Oh, it's Ok," the nurse rushed into the room and set the tea she had gone to collect on the change table and hurried over. She took Emily's hands into hers. "Breathe in and out, in and out. Come on now Emily, breathe with me, breathe in and out," she smiled reassuringly and carried on repeating her in and out mantra.

Emily tried to follow the nurse's instruction and copied her breathing. Slowly her chest started to release and she felt the panic leave her.

"Good," Louise crouched down in front of her. "Well done,"

"For breathing?" Emily whispered.

"Breathing, getting yourself out of the panic," Louise smiled warmly. "I think the biggest well done is for being in here. You left your bedroom, that's a really big step."

"I didn't get her anything," Emily whispered and she felt the tear slide down her cheek.

"She won't mind," Louise assured her, expertly keeping step with Emily's fractured conversation.

"It's her birthday, I'm her grandmother, I should have got her something," Emily whimpered. "I haven't even got her a card."

Louise nodded carefully. "Are you Ok for me to leave you a moment. I promise I will be right back."

Emily stared at the woman in curious confusion but gave a slight nod. Louise quickly left the room and Emily sank back into the rocking chair, wishing she could disappear into nothing. As quickly as she had left Louise reappeared, a small item in her hand. She held it out to Emily. It was a card, with a big pink glittery 1 on it. It was nothing like anything she would have chosen herself, it was tacky and ridiculous and oh so beautiful. She looked up at Louise in confusion.

"I thought you could write it to her," Louise crouched down in front of her.

"She's not here. They aren…they aren…" she looked down at the card. She couldn't say they weren't coming back. Saying it made it real.

"Write what you would tell her if she was here," Louise told her softly and slid a pen into Emily's hand. She turned and went to fuss with the tea.

Emily stared at the card for what seemed like eternity. She was vaguely aware of Louise moving to sit on the floor with her cup of tea but beyond that all she could see was the card. Finally she put the nib of the pen on the card and started to write. The words flew out of her in such a way that she wasn't certain what she had written and in moments the entire inside of the card was filled. She stared at the scrawl trying to process what she had written. Was it just some incoherent mess like her brain was or had she told Rory exactly what she felt and thought, exactly how much she loved her. At a loss with what to do she sought out Louise. The young woman smiled at her in a way that belied her youth, a warm wisdom filled smile. Emily closed the card and slid it into the envelope. Maybe the card would be read one day, maybe not. But she had done something. She had honoured and marked Rory's birthday.

 **xXx**

Emily watched the snow fall as she tried to zone out the conversation that Louise and Richard were having about if a theatre trip was a good idea. Louise had been an ever present and welcome presence in the house for four months now but as December and the year was drawing to a close Emily knew that soon this wonderful young lady was going to have to leave her and she was going to have to face the world completely on her own once more. Louise had been her protector and her teacher. Making her slowly step back into the world that made little sense to her. It had all been in increments, October had been about exploring the house. November the outside world; she had made gone back to the hairdressers albeit at a quiet time when no one could see her, they had gone grocery shopping, had coffee in a cafe, been to the mall.

December had been about getting back into their life with other people. She had attended a meeting of the DAR and she and Richard had attended the Club's Christmas party. It had not been as difficult as she had expected. People had been surprisingly sympathetic, possibly because she was still looked hollow and frail. Emily knew that everyone knew exactly the situation in all it's gory details, possibly they all knew the situation more than she did. It was just such an unusual situation that no one knew how to respond but all of them could see on her face and how she still moved awkwardly that it had devastated her. The loss of children no matter the situation was always overlooked or and any social faux pas and absence regardless of how long a person had been away were always ignored. There was no judgement levied, no snubs, just simple 'it's nice to see you Emily, I hope you are feeling better.'

These forays into the outside world had exhausted her but she hadn't been overwhelmed by them and now she was facing being without Louise she almost wished she had buckled under as it meant the nurse would stay with her longer. Louise had been talking to her about how she could combat the moments of panic. They all made sense but Emily wasn't sure that she could do them without Louise guiding her. Louise's suggestions about facing up to the world did make sense though. They had spent a long time discussing how she wore her hair and what clothes made her feel powerful. It had almost been fun.

Richard's and Louise's conversation was interrupted by the phone ringing and Richard rose from his chair to answer it. Emily turned to look out the window once more.

"Yes…no…of course I would like to speak to her…Is she…are they...do they need anything…Oh No I didn't mean anything by that…please."

Emily turned to look at her husband; he was gripping the phone a look of panic on his face.

"Mia please tell her I didn't mean anything by that…please…I would like to speak to her…please tell her I'm sorry…"

Emily blinked in surprise. Mia; that was the woman that had Lorelai and Rory. She rose from her seat and crossed to him. Richard tried to shield her from the phone but she could hear a soft voice trying to placate the angry sound of her daughter, there was a sound of a 'Lorelai please' and then a door slamming.

"Mr Gilmore, I'm very sorry Lorelai changed her mind," a soft voice sounded down the phone. "I will try and speak with her and see if we can't try this again."

Richard sighed heavily, his eyes falling warily on Emily, his hand taking hers into his to provide her comfort. "I understand, I appreciate the attempt."

Emily gripped his hand tightly as she heard a noise the sound of a little whimpering coo, "Rory," she whispered.

"Mia," Richard squeezed her hand comfortingly, "Is Rory there? may we speak with her?"

"Yes she is, though I'm not sure how chatty she's feeling right now, bear with me a moment." The phone went muffled for a moment as Mia put the phone down at her end. Richard adjusted the phone so that Emily could hear more easily. After a moment Mia came back on and with a prompt a young high pitched voice sounded a single noise, "Lo,"

Emily gasped, her heart swelling with joy, love and relief. This was proof intangible proof that her granddaughter was Ok.

"Hello Rory," Richard beamed as he spoke down the phone. "It's your grandpa; your Grandma is here also."

The baby at the end of the line let of a stream of excited incoherent babble closing it with a giggle. "We missed you too," Richard pretended she had spoken real words to him.

Emily gently pulled the phone out of his hands. "Rory, it's your grandma, I love you."

Rory made a little noise of delight and Emily found her legs starting to cave beneath her.

"Emily," Richard gasped in surprise and tried to support her while still keeping the phone from falling so that the connection to their granddaughter couldn't be lost.

Louise came to her aid, expertly helping her to a chair beside Richard. The nurse crouched beside her, watching her carefully as Emily gripped the arms of the chair and tried to comprehend the new feelings that she was experiencing.

"Oh I'm sorry Mia we are Ok here. Emily is a little overwhelmed…yes no it has but…might I speak to Rory once more please," Richard continued the phone call, his eyes fixed on Emily with concern. "Hello Rory…yes Grandma had to go bye bye," he smiled his eyes filling with tears. "Your grandmother and I love you very much, and we hope you have a good Christmas. We hope we see you soon. Bye bye." He beamed in response to a noise that Rory made. "Thank you Mia, if you need anything for them please let me know, anything. I know Lorelai won't accept it but…no I understand…no thank you for everything…yes well goodbye Mia." He took a deep sigh and put the phone back in its cradle. After a moment he dropped to his knees beside Louise staring up at Emily in concern. "Emily are you alright?"

"That was Rory," Emily whispered, looking at him a small smile barely perceptible on her lips.

"Yes dear, it was," Richard rose on his heels and kissed her softly.

Slowly Emily turned to look at Louise, "I need a card."

Louise gave her a beaming smile, her young eyes filled with pride. "I'll get you one." she quickly rose leaving the couple alone.

"Why do you need a card Emily?" Richard asked softly as he tenderly stroked her arm.

"For Rory," Emily whispered softly, making eye contact with him, she leant forward and gave him the lightest of kisses. It was the first time since her breakdown that she had instigated anything affectionate with her husband as she pulled back she saw the look of hopeful happiness in his eyes. He leaned in and returned her kiss and Emily responded by putting her hand on his arm. He looked down his eyes brimming with tears. Emily smiled shyly and tucked her hair behind her ears. She could feel the wave of happiness brought about by hearing her granddaughter beginning to wane but she didn't feel numb and she wasn't in pain.


	10. Chapter 9 - 584 million miles

**AN - Thanks guys, here's the next chapter I hope you enjoy, points for figuring out the meaning of the title :P Lemme know what you think.**

 **Chapter 9 – 584 million miles**

Emily scanned her list. Checking it for the third time before she finally snapped her day planner shut and put the book in her purse. She liked her lists. She needed her lists. Her memory just wasn't what it used to be. Whether it was from her illness last year or the medication she took now, sometimes she just got into a bit of a fog. The lists kept everything in order. Everything on schedule. She liked that.

Today's schedule was busy, packed really. It was the tail end of August which meant that the societies and organisations that she had joined over the last year were starting to finalise plans for their Christmas events and fundraisers. She had three meetings today plus a hair appointment and the other errands she needed to run such as collecting Richard's tux. Richard had voiced his concern that she was doing too much, pushing herself too hard, that she was too busy. But she liked being busy, it meant she didn't have to think about everything that hurt so much. It especially helped now that Richard was away for work so much more. The house was too big for just her and whichever maid was hired this week. Having parties and functions to plan just eased all the other thoughts out of existence until night time came. If she didn't fill her day enough her brain wouldn't be tired and she wouldn't sleep. She had to completely exhaust herself to be able to sleep now. It had taken her a year to figure out how to function. She had to run or she would collapse under everything again, and she never ever wanted to feel like she had last Fall. Emily knew she was the type of person who needed a plan, a direction, something to focus on. She had always had Lorelai to distract her from the hurt of losing their other children. With Lorelai gone she had to focus on something else otherwise she would implode once more.

It helped that she was good at planning. She just had the knack for it. She had always had a good eye for colour and composition. The pickiness that Richard teased her over and Lorelai had always berated her for, was an absolute bonus as she could spot anything that might disrupt a perfect event. Her stubbornness at getting things her own way meant that she could negotiate with anyone. Every event she had been involved in in the past six months had been delivered on time, under budget and had been a huge success; raising far over the required financial target for whichever organisation they were hosting the event for. And so, because she was so good she was being invited to other clubs and societies, her circle was widening as people requested her assistance. It felt good to be wanted and needed. It felt good to have a purpose once more.

 **xXx**

Emily set the coffee cup on the table as she dashed to get the phone, she was expecting a call from a supplier; a new florist who she was certain would be perfect not only for supplying her for the house but the many functions her various societies had planned over the holiday period. She wondered if she could get a deal on the poinsettia it would certainly look festive in any location, a nice bit of red Christmas cheer to liven up any room. Planning for Christmas in September would seem odd to most people, but being on the organising committee for 16 different events it was a necessity in order to get things locked in at the price she wanted and before anyone else got the stock instead of them.

"Gilmore Residence," she spoke clearly as she answered the phone. There was a pause. Emily held her breath, she knew that pause. It had happened on two occasions in the last six months.

"Mom… hello," Lorelai's strained voice broke the silence.

"Hello Lorelai," Emily tried to keep her voice measured. Lorelai had started to call them, the calls were horrible, awkward and painful where she and Richard had to think about every word they said and at the end Emily would find herself in tears when the excruciating minutes were over but it was contact and she didn't want it to stop. "How are you and Rory?"

"We're both…fine," Lorelai sounded like every word she spoke was a great effort.

"That is good," Emily pulled the chair out and sat down. This point in the conversation was usually when Lorelai handed the phone over to Rory. The baby could talk now, her high sweet voice was both the most magical thing and the most painful thing and she always found herself unable to stand properly when speaking to her granddaughter.

"So…it's Rory's birthday in a couple of weeks," Lorelai sighed heavily. "Mia thought you might like to come to her birthday tea."

Emily's throat seemed to close and she found herself unable to speak at the time when she needed to speak the most. She gripped the arm of the chair and counted the petals on the flower in front of her, trying to distract herself and get herself out of the panic.

"So do you want to come?" Lorelai asked impatiently.

"Yes," Emily managed to whisper.

"Fine," Lorelai sighed heavily; there was a pause before she finally spoke again. "Sunday the… 12th at 3pm at the Inn. I've got to go, I'll see you…I'll see you then."

Through her panic Emily could hear the soft voice of Mia in the background the moment before the line went dead saying something about the wrong date but it didn't register, all that mattered is they had the opportunity to see their daughter and granddaughter. For the first time in a year, they were actually going to see them. Emily put the phone down. Her planning for the Christmas parties suddenly seemed so insignificant, she had to get a birthday present for her granddaughter and she had no idea what Rory would like. Her chest seized once more and she closed her eyes trying not to give into the panic. She had to keep it together. She couldn't get this wrong. It was her chance to make things right she just couldn't get it wrong.

 **xXx**

Emily glanced over her shoulder to the backseat of the car to where the presents had been carefully placed. She had been at a loss of what to buy for Rory having been separated for a year and had resorted to choosing what Lorelai had liked at that age. Emily had bought and returned fifteen different presents before finally settling on two books, a colouring set and a soft bodied doll similar to the one that Lorelai had carried with her everywhere as a small child. She was worried that Lorelai would think it was too much, that her daughter would get angry at her for buying too many things. That she would get angry over the perceived ostentatiousness of one of the books, with it's hard cover and gilding, when really Emily had chosen it because it was a compendium of fairy tales. She turned to look at the bag that contained the book in question.

"Emily," Richard said her name soothingly. "It will be alright?"

"But what if she…"

"Emily, it will be alright," Richard cut her off. "Just relax, you don't want to be agitated when you see Rory."

"No," Emily repositioned herself in her seat and got out her day planner and started to look at her list, it was soothing to focus on something else. She smiled slightly as Richard's hand came to rest on her knee. His presence was welcome; he calmed her, made her feel safe even though she knew he was as nervous as she was. They were nearly at the place where Lorelai worked, the Independence Inn, knowing her daughter she could see why her daughter had chosen this place. Her daughter had always had a love of symbolism and signs, a ridiculous interest in fate. Lorelai had chosen this place because of its name and what it represented to her. What had struck Emily was how close it was to Hartford, only 34 miles. Emily hadn't wanted to get her hopes up that that meant something. That even though Lorelai had run she had only ran a little way.

Richard turned the car into the driveway of the hotel and Emily tried to keep calm, trying not to succumb to her nerves that were jabbing at her chest. She didn't want to ruin it; she didn't want to let Richard down. She tried to focus on the building as Richard located a parking space, a large New England property, tasteful in its elegance. It was beautiful and tranquil. It seemed so unlike anywhere Lorelai would want to be. Lorelai usually loved things that were loud and frenetic, where a million things were happening often in bright flashing colours. This was somewhere that Emily could feel at home. Normally Lorelai shunned anything she liked.

She jumped slightly as Richard opened the door, caught in her musing she hadn't realised they had stopped. Her husband smiled kindly down at her and she unclipped her seatbelt and took his offered hand. He was already holding the bags of presents. Emily clenched her hands grateful for his hand that he had placed on her shoulder, his large hand tethering her to calm.

They entered the foyer and stood bewildered for a moment, the inn was busy, people going about their business, and nothing to indicate where a birthday party for a two year old might be held. Richard guided them over to the reception.

"Hello, yes," Richard greeted the staff member behind the desk. "We're here for the birthday tea for Rory Gilmore, could you direct us."

The woman behind the desk gave them a confused look and glanced at her colleague. "I'm sorry Sir, there isn't a birthday tea scheduled …that was last…"

"There is no party?" Richard interrupted the woman as he cast a nervous look at Emily. "Is Lorelai here, she…"

"Oh, are you Lorelai's visitors?" the woman face brightened with relief as she grabbed a note from the ledger, "she said she had someone popping in to see her. I'll see if I can track her down. Why don't you take a seat?" The woman gestured towards a couch in the middle of the foyer.

Emily allowed Richard to guide her to the couch and she sat down in bewilderment. There was no party? Lorelai had made it sound like there was to be a special function for Rory. She was certain she had said Rory's birthday tea, Sunday 12th. She wracked her brain trying to remember the conversation exactly, had she got it wrong? Had she misremembered? In her moment of panic had she screwed it all up and got the date wrong. She looked at Richard and he gave her a weak smile. "Did I get it wrong?"

"Lorelai is expecting us, perhaps it's a misunderstanding," Richard told her softly, his hand comfortingly stroking her arm. Emily slid closer to him, wishing they weren't in public so she could snuggle alongside him and he could wrap his arms around her.

Finally after what seemed like an eternity Lorelai appeared. She looked flustered and tense, her dark curly hair falling out of her ponytail. Emily's eyes instantly fell on the grey dress that she was wearing, a maid's uniform. Neither of them had ever asked what Lorelai did at the inn, but to see their bright and brilliant daughter wearing a maid's uniform was stunning and sobering. Emily blinked in shock, forcing herself to keep her mouth closed. She could feel Lorelai's eyes boring into her challenging her to say something. Instead Emily's eyes fell onto the child hiding behind Lorelai's skirt. Rory. Except she was too big to be Rory. Rory was a baby, this child was a little girl at the very edge of toddlerhood. She was just less than three feet tall and her hair was long, pulled into a ponytail. Emily's mouth fell open in surprise. She knew that Rory was two but somehow in her mind she had frozen Rory to the last moment she had seen her.

"Mom, Dad," Lorelai muttered tensely. "Sorry, we've got loads of maids out sick today, it's pretty hectic." She bent down and hauled Rory onto her hip. "Rory, this is your Grandma and Grandpa. We lived with them when you were a baby and you've spoken to them a few times on the phone." The little girl regarded them nervously and then buried her face into Lorelai's shoulder. "Hey there, why you shy butterfly?" Lorelai coaxed her daughter to look up with a shy giggle. "It's OK," she bounced the child. "Why don't we say hello, huh?" She crouched down, holding Rory tightly so that they were on a similar level to Richard and Emily. "Hello Grandpa," she waved childishly at Richard, "Hello Grandma. Come on kiddo your go."

"Hello Gampa, hello Ganma," Rory mumbled before burying her face into Lorelai's shoulder again.

Lorelai took a deep breath and cast a nervous yet challenging look at them.

"Hello Rory," Richard responded quietly.

The small child peeled her face away from Lorelai's shoulder and looked at him curiously, a glimmer of recognition passing across her delicate features. "Book," she finally whispered pointing to Richard.

"Yeah, your grandpa reads lots of books." Lorelai repositioned Rory, letting the child move closer to her parents.

"Hello Rory," Emily whispered, smiling softly, her smile widened as Rory gave a little delighted chortle. Suddenly the child was clambering out of Lorelai's grip and trying to climb onto the couch. Emily reached and lifted the child up. She settled Rory onto her lap and for a split second got to hold her granddaughter before Rory slid off her lap and wriggled into the gap between her and Richard. Emily tried to take a calming breath, her heart was pounding; her mind suddenly frazzled as it struggled to deal with the swift emotion change from confusion to joy.

"You bought her stuff then," Lorelai muttered pulling herself upright and regarding the bags with an annoyed look on her face.

"It's her birthday, we thought it was her party," Richard responded carefully as he gently took Rory's little hand into his. "We thought presents would be expected."

"Her party was last week," Lorelai fiddled with her apron self-consciously. "I figured this way it would be better, you know in case it was awkward," she looked at her shoes. "I'm sorry we don't have very long. I have to get back to work. Why don't you let her open them?"

Emily bent down and picked up the first of the bags. "Happy Birthday Rory."

"Me," Rory looked curiously at the bag. "What is?"

"Why don't you open it and find out," Emily smiled, her hand coming up to stroke Rory's satin soft cheek. She helped the little girl take the present out the bag and held it as Rory started to tear strips of the paper away slowly revealing the cloth doll inside.

"DOLLY!" Rory yelled excitedly pulling the doll out of the remains of the paper and cuddled it tightly.

Emily smiled in relief. "I'm glad you like it, you mother had one similar to this also." Rory stared at her blankly; Emily shook herself as she remembered the age of her audience and tried again. "Your Mommy had a doll like that." Pointing at Lorelai and then back at the doll.

Rory looked from the doll to her mother her smile widening. "Did?" Rory looked expectantly at her mother.

"Yep," Lorelai answered automatically. "What do you say?"

"Thank you," Rory mumbled cuddling the toy tightly.

Emily struggled to keep the smile on her face; she could see that Lorelai had no recollection of the doll and now as she thought about it she remembered that Lorelai had lost the doll apparently on purpose when she was four. "We have some more presents for you," Emily reached to get the second bag.

"Books," Rory grinned as she gauged the presents. She bounced excitedly reaching to grab the parcels and pulled them from Emily's hands so she could turn and dump them on Richard's lap. "Wead me please," she patted the still wrapped present. The small child stood suddenly and then flopped onto Emily's lap, all the while looking expectantly up at Richard.

Emily instinctively placed her arms around her granddaughter holding her close to her. It felt wonderful, even if it was a little unfamiliar with Rory being older. She still smelt like Rory, the faint smell of baby lotion, which Lorelai had once described as pink and now it was the only way Emily could think of it. The child in her lap was warm and heavy and real. She smiled as Rory gave an excited squeal as Richard revealed the first of her new books, the small child bouncing in excitement.

"I don't know if she had this. The lady in the store said it was popular with her age group," Emily looked across at Lorelai who was stood with her arms folded and appeared to be eating the inside of her cheeks.

"She doesn't have any books of her own," Lorelai looked at her feet and then away.

Emily could see the tears in her daughter's eyes. She braced herself. Lorelai was about to snap, and the last thing she wanted was to lose this moment they were having with their granddaughter. "Lorelai might we have some tea?" she found herself saying. Inside her warning bells were ringing and she cursed herself for saying it, it had sounded like she was asking her daughter to get them tea not how she had meant for Lorelai to sit with them and have a cup of tea.

Lorelai turned to look at her, any trace of upset was gone, and instead it was replaced with the reproachful anger that used to reside in those bright blue eyes when Lorelai had been at home. "We don't really have time for tea. I've got to get back to work."

"Oh, it doesn't matter," Emily nodded in understanding, trying to gloss over her mistake "Maybe we could stay and read with Rory for a little bit? We can stay right here." She asked hopefully.

Lorelai closed her eyes in frustration. Rory had picked up on the question and was nodding profusely. "Fine," Lorelai muttered with a forced smile. "Bubba, Mommy has to go finish the hotel room, I'll be back real soon Ok."

"Ok Mommy," Rory beamed, oblivious to the tension that was going on between her mother and grandmother and turned her attention back to the book on Richard's lap.

Lorelai pivoted and almost ran from them. Emily watched her go and cast a nervous look at Richard, it was all going wrong, yet at the same time it wasn't. They had Rory, for a few precious moments they had their granddaughter. She gave a sigh of happy relief as Rory rested her head back onto her shoulder. The toddler was clutching her new doll and smiling in delight as Richard read the story to her, her little legs kicking in happiness every time Richard did a silly voice. It was magical.

And then it was all over. Lorelai suddenly appeared, her face was blotchy and red and Emily could tell that she had spent the last fifteen minutes in tears.

"Mommy," Rory's face dropped and she scrambled off Emily's lap rushing to her mother. "Mommy."

"I'm Ok kiddo," Lorelai picked her daughter up holding her close. "Mommy stubbed her toe."

"Ouch!" Rory stated loudly.

"Yeah Ouch." Lorelai cuddled Rory close to her. "Say goodbye to your grandma and grandpa Rory, they need to go."

"Bye bye," Rory waved obediently.

"Bye Mom, bye Dad thanks for her gifts," Lorelai quickly scooped up the bags. As she straightened she looked like she was going to cry once more.

"You're welcome Lorelai," Richard stood watching her with concern. "If you need anything please let us know."

Lorelai scowled. "We don't need anything. We are fine by ourselves. Stop offering." She swung Rory onto her other hip. She shook slightly and Emily could see her repressing what would have once been an outburst. After a moment the eighteen year old gave a huffing sigh. "Bye."

Emily watched as Lorelai ran from them, this time taking Rory with her. She was grateful she was in a crowded room as it meant she was forced to put on a front. She was forced to smile and pretend that everything was Ok. Richard took her hand and she could tell he was shaking just as much as she was. They sat on the couch, stunned by what had just happened. Neither of them really sure what they were supposed to do now. Neither of them wanting to leave because they had finally managed to see their daughter and granddaughter after such a long time, right now they were still on the same premises and after so long apart they wanted to remain close for as long as they could.

Eventually Richard stood and pulled Emily to her feet, his arm falling protectively over her shoulder as he walked her to the car. They sat in silence. Until finally he broke the silence, turning to look at her, his eyes wide and tearful. "I shouldn't have asked her if she needed anything."

"It doesn't matter," Emily shook her head, "we got to see them. We got to see Rory. She's so beautiful."

"Yes," Richard smiled, "she really is."

"She let us see them Richard," Emily whispered with tearful hopefulness. "She's letting us back in."

 **xXx**

Emily quickly closed the door to prevent the heat from leaching out of the warm house and rushed to the phone table, the new answerphone showed no messages and she sighed in disappointment. Hitching her shopping bags upwards she moved swiftly to the kitchen. The maid, a young woman named Collette who had so far managed to follow every instruction and thusly remained in her job for nearly a month looked up from the silver polishing.

"Is there any messages?" Emily asked hopefully.

"No Mrs Gilmore," The young woman smiled pleasantly. "The mail is here," she nodded towards the neatly stacked letters. "Do you need me to do anything with your bags?"

"Oh, Yes," Emily held out one of the bags. "There are two new shirts for Mr Gilmore, please launder them. Don't over starch," She handed the bag over and collected the mail, walking despondently back into the living room. She had been hoping Lorelai would call. She had been hoping Lorelai would call for six weeks.

They had heard nothing from their daughter since the visit to the inn. With the Holidays approaching Emily had been hopeful that they could arrange something, she suspected a visit to the house was too much but at the very least she wanted to see them and she was willing to go anywhere at any time, cancel her attendance at any of the 25 functions she had over the next few weeks to accommodate Lorelai. She just hadn't been able to get hold of her. Frustratingly they only had her work phone number and leaving a message with the front desk was proving fruitless. Thanksgiving was only two days away and it looked like they would be spending another holiday without the girls. She was bordering on desperate to see them for at least Christmas, now that she had had a glimpse of them she didn't want to let them go.

She looked at the phone and decided to try again. Taking a calming breath she dialled the number that was now burnt into her brain.

"Independence Inn, Mia speaking."

Emily froze, she had been expecting the normal chirpy receptionist, not the woman who had kept Lorelai from them.

"Hello, Independence Inn. May I help you?" the soft voice sounded again.

Emily swallowed and straightened herself up, presenting her front to the world "Hello yes, I would like to speak to Lorelai Gilmore."

There was a pause at the other end of the phone "Who may I ask is calling?"

"Her mother," Emily stated.

"Hello Emily," Mia greeted her properly. "If you bear with me I will transfer the call to my office and I will get her for you." There was a click and a buzzing sound and then the phone reconnected. "Hello Emily?"

"I'm here," Emily whispered, picking at her sleeve nervously. "May I speak with Lorelai?"

"Yes, let me get her for you," Mia's voice sounded nervous and kind. "Would you like to speak with Rory while I get her?"

"Rory is there?" Emily gasped in surprise. She hadn't anticipated Rory going to work with Lorelai, she had assumed there were childcare arrangements, someone who looked after Rory while Lorelai worked.

"Yes," Mia sounded hesitant. "She's helping me make snowflakes to decorate the Inn. Rory…" there was a scuffling noise at the end of the phone and then the sweet voice of her granddaughter sounded.

"Hello Rory," Emily smiled broadly, relaxing slightly. "How are you?" her smiled widened as Rory launched into a series of broken chatter, partly understandable partly childish gobbledegook. Emily played along; responding in what she thought was the most appropriate manner. After a couple of minutes she could hear Lorelai and Mia in the background and her smile faded. Lorelai was arguing not wanting to take the call, not wanting to see them and protesting that Rory was speaking to her. Her daughter didn't want to speak to her, didn't want to see her and surprisingly Mia was defending Emily and not Lorelai.

"Mommy, Nana Ssssshhhhh," Rory sounded.

Emily gasped, her mouth dropped open, her granddaughter called Mia, Nana. She struggled to calm her pounding heartrate as there was a rustling at the other end of the phone. Rory beginning to cry because the phone had been taken away from her, several deep breathes sounding through the airwaves

"Mom," Lorelai huffed at the other end of the phone. "Look it's really busy I don't know when I can get time off."

"We would like to see you," Emily whispered, trying to keep calm, she was failing, her legs were going weak and her chest was starting to hurt, her breath was sticking in her chest.

"The inn is really busy this time of year," Lorelai spoke breathily.

Emily could hear the crack in her voice; her daughter was just as upset as she was. Rory was screaming now, Mia was trying to soothe the child.

"Mom hang on,"

More rustling as Lorelai put down the phone to tend to her daughter. Mia and Lorelai's voices in the background, Emily tried to focus on what was being said, so that she didn't give in to her panic.

Finally Lorelai came back on "Mom, Mia said you can come the afternoon of the 23rd December, 3 o'clock. You don't need to get us anything, but I'm guessing you will anyway, Rory liked the books. I gotta go Mom, Rory is upset."

The phone went dead. Emily stared at the floor. Lorelai didn't want to see them. She was only contacting them because Mia, of all people, was making her. Rory called Mia Nana. The last five minutes swum in her mind, loss and confusion slamming into each other and tugging at the wall she had built in defence from losing her girls. She grabbed the notepad from the desk and ran upstairs. She could feel herself slipping; she wasn't sure what she was doing. She stopped at Rory's room and slumped onto the floor. She grabbed at the paper gripping it tightly, so tightly that the paper was cutting into her skin. She started to write, words flowing out of her, pages and pages of all the jumbled thoughts that were racing around in her head. The writing was calming, it soothed her just like Louise had told her last year. She missed Louise, they still occasionally spoke, but Emily knew that she was just a client to her. She was an obligation, just as she was to everyone. She started to cry. Sobbing in to the soft white carpet of the nursery that was no longer needed.

"Emily?"

She looked up at Richard surprised, it only felt like it had been five minutes, yet outside it was dark, she must have been laying there for hours.

"Come on now," Richard knelt beside her; he stared down at her pages of writing and frowned. "What happened?"

"Lorelai… doesn't want… us." Emily mumbled, speaking felt difficult, like her mouth was gummed up. "I…I…I'm slipping."

"No!" Richard seized her shoulders tightly, almost shaking her, there was fear in his eyes as well as anger. "You are not, I won't allow. Come on now Emily you've been doing so well. What happened? You spoke to Lorelai?"

"She doesn't want to…she doesn't want to see us." Emily whimpered.

"She said this to you?" Richard frowned still holding her by the shoulders.

Emily shook her head. "I heard. Mia is making her see us, on the 23rd."

"But we are still seeing her," Richard relaxed his grip slightly. "We are still seeing them. Oh Emily." He pulled her towards him and held her tenderly. "I know it's not what we want but we are still seeing them. A year ago she wouldn't even speak to us."

"I don't understand," Emily whimpered clutching at his shirt. "I don't know what we did."

"I don't either," Richard kissed her on her crown. "But we have come so far this year. It will get better Emily, I'm certain of it."


	11. Chapter 10 - No matter what I do

**AN - Thanks for reading guys, This is the last full chapter, there is a short epilogue which I'll post tomorrow. I hope you enjoy the final stretch.**

 **Chapter 10 – No matter what I do**

Emily stared at her Christmas list for the year of 1988, her schedule was packed with final meetings for the 17 events she was involved in some capacity, not to mention the actual events themselves, teas and dinners plus the parties they had been invited to, in addition to this she had her volunteering schedule for the present wrapping for the local Children's Homes and hospitals. She still had to sit and write the nearly 400 Christmas cards that came with being part of so many societies and groups, not to mention the wider extended Gilmore family and all of Richard's clients that would expect a card. While that would be an arduous exercise she knew that one solid day of writing would get that completed. This time of year was now busy to the point of being ridiculous, thought to be fair; most of her year was now filled with something. She was nothing if not resourceful when it came to find ways to fill her time. Filling her time meant she had no time to be lonely or upset. Filling her time had got her through two and a half years of loneliness and heartbreak.

There was only one thing she didn't have nailed down for the Christmas period and that was Lorelai and Rory, she had set aside two days in her schedule when Richard was home in hope to pin them down, but she would gladly drop any of the other things she had planned to work them in. Once again she had hoped that she would be able to see them over the holiday period and once again she had spent the Thanksgiving weekend mostly alone, Lorelai had excused herself saying she was busy with work and Richard had disappeared into his office to try and get a handle on his ever increasing workload. He was working harder than ever following another promotion; he had been away more than he had been home the last two months. He was rewarded handsomely for it of course, which certainly came in handy now with the extra philanthropic duties they had taken on but she missed him. The never ending streams of useless maids were no company at all and despite everything she was involved in she didn't have any real meaningful conversations with the people they socialised with. Still her busyness with clubs and societies kept her from thinking about her lack of meaningful conversation and lack of contact with her daughter and granddaughter.

Their contact with Lorelai and Rory had been sporadic over the last two years, visitation usually centred on holidays and Rory's birthday, though never at the actual party and she had to prompt any phone call, often having to call 3 or 4 times before Lorelai responded back. It was tedious and arduous but it was contact and she did at least enjoy speaking with Rory who was becoming more eloquent and interesting each time they spoke.

Setting her pen down she reached for the phone and dialled the familiar number for the Independence Inn, Lorelai was still evasive about providing a home number. They still didn't even know where Lorelai actually lived. Everything had to go via the Inn; it was the only aspect of her life that Lorelai would let them know about.

"Independence Inn, Lorelai speaking."

Emily blinked in surprise. "Lorelai?"

"Mom," Lorelai sounded awkwardly. "Hi,"

"Are you working on the desk now?" Emily asked carefully, Relief and pride flaring in her chest at the possibility that her daughter was no longer a maid.

"Yeah, there was an opening, Mia gave me a shot, It's just part-time, I still do my other job as well," Lorelai mumbled. "How can I help you Mom, it's pretty busy here at the minute, lot of people checking out after the holiday weekend."

"Well congratulations on your new opportunity Lorelai," Emily told her warmly, her happiness diminishing slightly as Lorelai admitted she was still working as a maid.

"Thanks," Lorelai swallowed audibly down the phone "Mom, I do need to get back to…"

"Oh yes," Emily looked back at her day planner and then fearful that Lorelai would interrupt let out her wish in one breath. "I need to nail down Christmas. Now, I do not want to sit in that loud noisy foyer so I want you to come to the house for lunch. It doesn't have to be Christmas day; I know you probably have plans with…with Mia. But, I would like some quality time with both of you." She paused and listened, it almost felt like she could hear Lorelai thinking of a way to dodge out of the visit. "I think it's only fair for Rory to be able to enjoy opening her gifts without an audience of strangers." She held her breath as she used her Rory card. Lorelai's sigh of frustration was audible, "If it is easier we could come to your home to open presents and then take you out for lunch."

"No," Lorelai answered too quickly, her voice nervous, "We'll come to you. Did you have a date in mind?"

"Well, the best day for us would be Christmas Eve, after that, the weekend before on the 18th, we have a function in the evening but the day is completely free. " Emily took a deep breath. "If those don't work for you I can move things around to fit you in but your father would be working and I know he would very much like to see you both." The sound of Lorelai taking a sharp breath filtered down the phone and Emily grimaced. "Do you need to check and call me back?"

"No, it's Ok," Lorelai sighed despondently, "The 18th works for us."

"Wonderful!" Emily's face split into a beaming smile, she was surprised at by how easy it had been. "Is there anything that you and Rory would like for Christmas?"

"I don't need anything. Rory's gone all Matilda and read all the books for her age group, so anything for the 5-8 age group. I read them to her at night." Lorelai's voice carried an edge of pride.

"Is that all?" Emily frowned slightly.

"If you see anything you think she might like then get it for her, you've been pretty right with her last gifts. Just don't go mad." Lorelai gave another despondent sigh. "What time?"

"Lunch will be for 1, so 12.30." Emily wriggled her shoulders in excitement. "We'll see you then, I'm so looking forward to it."

"Sure Mom," Lorelai sighed again, "I best get on."

As the line went dead Emily put down the phone and grinned. Lorelai and Rory were coming to the house, they were coming home. She gave a little delighted laugh and rose from her seat. "Richard!" she called as she ran to his study, pushing the door open without knocking.

Richard looked up at her in surprise and she dashed to him, throwing her arms around his neck. "They're coming here, for a Christmas lunch on the 18th," she kissed him happily. "Richard the girls are coming to the house. She said yes, Lorelai said yes. We get to have a Christmas with our girls in our house."

Richard smiled and returned her kiss. "I'll leave you the Amex when I go out of town next week." He kissed her again, patting her playfully on the backside "Try not to max it out."

"Oh Richard," Emily playfully swatted at him. "It has to be perfect, everything has to be perfect." She bent down and kissed him once more. "Our girls, A Christmas with our girls."

 **xXx**

Emily glanced at the clock, it was 1.05pm, her panic level was rising, Lorelai was supposed to have arrived thirty five minutes ago. What if something had happened to them? What if Lorelai had changed her mind and wasn't coming? The weather was cold; the horrible slushy sleet falling that just didn't lay and made everything wet and cold.

"I should have offered to pick them up," Emily got up and walked to the fireplace wringing her hands nervously.

"She would have called if there was a major problem," Richard assured her, his voice edged with nerves. "She's probably caught in traffic, it's the last weekend before Christmas. You know how ridiculous people can get."

Emily nodded in understanding but his words provided her no comfort. She walked over to their Christmas tree and bent down sprucing the ribbon curls on the numerous presents she had bought. It was too much; she knew it was too much. It would lead to an argument, she could just tell, but to have this opportunity to have her girls here, to have them for a proper family Christmas she just wanted it to be special.

The doorbell rang and she nearly ran to the door. She paused for a moment trying to calm herself down so she didn't appear too eager or panicked. She counted to ten, which gave Richard enough time to join her at the door.

She opened the door, forcing a beaming smile on her face. Lorelai stood on the other side, Rory clutching one hand, a bag, her purse, some flowers and a broken umbrella on the other. The pair of them were both soaked and Rory was shivering. Emily's smile fell from her face.

"Hi Mom, Sorry we're late, I didn't factor in Sunday bus timetables," Lorelai mumbled apologetically though her voice was heavy with frustration. She pushed Rory towards the door.

Emily stepped back to allow them in. "The bus? is your car broken?"

"I don't have a car," Lorelai dumped her bags on the ground. "Here these is for you" she roughly handed Emily the flowers and bent over to take Rory's sodden coat off. "Can I put this somewhere to dry?"

Emily looked at Richard in bewilderment, she hadn't even considered that Lorelai might not have a vehicle of her own; she had just assumed she would. She turned her attention to Rory "She's wet through."

"Yeah," Lorelai cast a concerned look over Rory's damp dress. "I know we are late and you said lunch for one but could we sit by the fire for a bit to warm up. I don't want her to get sick again."

Emily looked down at Rory horrified "She's been sick?"

"Oh she's Ok, aren't you Bubs," Lorelai kissed Rory on the cheek. "Say Hi to your Grandpa and Grandma Sweets."

"Hi," Rory mumbled miserably. "Mommy I'm cold."

"I know Sweets." Lorelai pulled the four year old onto her hip. "Grandma is going to let us sit by the fire."

"Why are we at a museum?" Rory asked looking around the house, her interest suddenly piqued by the strange new place she was in.

Emily bit her lip and tried to stop herself from crying. She could feel Lorelai's eyes on her challenging to pick Rory up on the remark about the house. This was all a bit too much, she had made too many assumptions about Lorelai's living arrangement, about her having a car, about Rory understanding about their lives.

"This isn't a museum," Richard finally broke his silence. "This is where we, your grandmother and I live. This is our home," he smiled at Rory, the smile not reaching his eyes as he stared at his granddaughter sadly.

"A house it's big," Rory mumbled her interest waning. "Mommy I'm cold," she repeated as she snuggled into Lorelai

"Of course," Emily's brain clicked into hostess mode and she held her hand out to allow Lorelai into the house properly. "Please sit for a while. Richard why don't you take them through I'll go tell Sandrine to keep lunch till two and put these in some water."

She raced towards the kitchen where this month's maid was stood awaiting instruction. Quickly Emily reeled off her instructions about dinner being later, putting the flowers in a vase and getting Rory's coat dry. She fled from the kitchen pausing just out of eyesight of both her family and the maid. She took a deep breath trying to keep the panic, which only seemed to present itself when Lorelai was about, at bay. She so badly wanted for this day to go well. It was the first time they had been home, and if it went well then maybe they would come back more often, maybe she could have the relationship she wanted with them. Perhaps now that they were back Lorelai would allow them to develop a proper relationship with their granddaughter and they would be able to visit more frequently. It was all wishful thinking but it was something that she wanted so badly it hurt. She fixed her mask in place, the perfect hostess mask she had cultivated over the past two years.

As she moved past the tree a thought struck her and she quickly located one of the gifts she had for Rory. She approached Lorelai cautiously; she could see the steam rising off them as they warmed themselves by the fire.

"Lorelai?" Emily smiled nervously "I bought Rory some pyjamas for Christmas; I know it's not clothes and that it would normally be inappropriate to wear pyjamas at the dinner table but they are dry."

Lorelai looked up at her in surprise and gave a grateful nod. "Come on Sweets, Grandma has your Christmas present for you to wear."

"It's not her only present," Emily handed the gift over, she gestured towards the tree.

Lorelai paused as she studied the gift mountain, a glimmer of annoyance passing through her blue eyes. She shot Emily a tired look before returning her attention to her daughter. "Why don't you open it," she gave Rory the gift, allowing the small child to open the present and took a step forward. "Mom, can I take Rory upstairs to dry her off?"

"Of course, there are fresh towels in the guest bathroom," Emily nodded, trying to ignore the angry look in Lorelai's eyes and focus on the positive that Lorelai wanted to go further into the house.

"Thanks…"

"Fairy Jammies," Rory yelled excitedly, holding out the pink footsie pyjamas in delight.

"That's great kiddo," Lorelai smiled indulgently. "We're gonna go put them on, why don't you start going upstairs, I'll catch you up."

"Ok Mommy," Rory grinned racing off as she clutched her new gift.

Lorelai waited for Rory to be just out of earshot before she turned her attention back to Emily. "Mom are those all for Rory?"

"Well some are for you," Emily looked at the present mountain, swallowing nervously.

"Mom," Lorelai closed her eyes, visibly swallowing several times, "it's too much. I don't want…I won't be able to carry all that. Could you limit it? A few books and one other thing, that's more than enough."

Emily stared at Lorelai in surprise; the twenty year old woman in front of her was a different creature to her daughter she knew. This Lorelai had regulated herself, prevented herself from having an argument over the gifts. This more mature Lorelai was startling. Emily nodded dumbly. Lorelai studied her for a moment and then gave a curt nod before she moved to the stairs.

Emily stood still for a few moment, she could feel Richard watching her; he was waiting to see if her mask would slip. She turned to look at him and gave a shy smile. "I knew I bought too much."

"We can return everything Emily," he gave her a reassuringly smile. "I think the Roald Dahl collection and the Children's Classics Compendium," he rose from his seat and walked to her; gently he took her hand and led her to the tree. "What for the other item? The doll? What about the soft globe, I think that's an excellent present, Rory likes to learn, she told us when we spoke to her last." He bent down to select the gifts, having spent the morning watching Emily wrap them.

"The Encyclopaedia also," Emily quickly selected the presents that Richard had suggested from the bags and pulled them into a small pile. It still looked substantial and she hoped Lorelai wouldn't protest. Her eyes fell on the other half of the present mountain. "What about Lorelai?"

"Something practical, something pretty and something fun or edible," Richard offered as he bent down to remove the gift tags from the bags so that Rory wouldn't see that the other gifts were supposed to be for her as well. He glanced up at Emily as she hesitated "It's Ok Emily it's all going Ok."

 **xXx**

"I like footsie jammies," Rory grinned as she studied her still half full plate.

"I'm glad you like them. I hoped you liked fairies when I picked them," Emily smiled at her granddaughter, the child's hair was fluffy and she looked adorable as she had her linen napkin tucked into the neck of her new pink, fairy covered pyjamas. The little girl was sat on a cushion on a box after they had realised that the chair was far too low for her to reach the table properly. "They look very comfortable."

"Do you have footsie jammies?" Rory asked curiously as she speared her dinner with a fork,

"No, I wear normal pyjamas," Emily smiled indulgently. "I expect I would look a bit silly in footsie pyjamas."

Rory giggled slightly. "My foots are hot, I like it," she took a bite. "I don like cold feet, I had cold feet when I was poorly."

"No talking when your mouth full Bubba," Lorelai gently scolded her daughter. She looked up nervously at Emily for a split second before looking down at her largely uneaten plate.

"I don't like being poorly, the medsin was yucky," Rory pulled a disgusted face, "but this is yummy," she pointed at her food.

"I'm glad you like it," Emily smiled. "I'm sorry you were poorly, we didn't know you were poorly or we would have sent you a get well card. What was wrong?" She looked over Rory's head to Lorelai.

"One of those nasty virus," Lorelai answered quickly. "Unfortunately she got hit by a bunch of things."

"The nurses were nice," Rory speared her pigs in blanket. "They gave me stickers, for being a big brave girl when they poked me with the needle."

"Nurses?" Emily tried to keep herself calm her eyes darting between Rory and Lorelai. "Needles"

"At da hospital," Rory told her with a smile

Emily swallowed in horror, using the moment to try and remain calm so that her voice wouldn't come out panic tinged. "She was in hospital." She squeaked.

"She had to stay overnight." Lorelai mumbled, her head rising to give Emily a nervous, yet challenging look. "It's not really a topic for while we are eating but she well… you know both ends. It was so she didn't get dehydrated, but she's fine now." she ran her hand protectively over Rory's fluffy hair. "Aren't you Sweets?"

"Yup," Rory crowed triumphantly.

Emily gave her a weak smile as she looked down at her plate. Rory had been ill and in hospital and she hadn't known. They hadn't known their granddaughter was in hospital, suddenly her very well prepared meal seemed completely unappetizing and she lowered her fork onto the plate. She looked across at Richard, he was staring at Rory sadly but she could see his mind working, some questions he wanted to ask but wasn't quite sure how to ask them. She gently shook her head and gave a soft nod of understanding, silently returning to his plate, while Rory chattered excitedly oblivious to the subdued adults around her.

When the meal was over the three adults silently made their way to the living room, Rory was bubbling with excitement bouncing up and down as Lorelai held her hand. Emily paused at the tree and collected the presents that she reselected bringing them to the coffee table.

"Mommy," Rory squealed excitedly.

"Sit down quietly," Lorelai pulled her back onto the couch. "You need to be still so you can open your gifts." Rory clapped her hands excitedly.

Emily gave a warm smile, her concern was slipping now that she was confronted with how excited her granddaughter was and she held out the first present.

"I think I know what this is," Lorelai called in a singsong voice as she took the present holding it so Rory could tear into the elaborately wrapped gift.

"Book," Rory guessed with a grinn, she tore the paper and peered at the brightly coloured cover, "En…ency…" she frowned and looked up at Lorelai with a pout on her face.

"It's an encyclopaedia," Lorelai read the cover upside down. "It's for kids with lots of cool facts about all kinds of things."

"Wow," Rory studied the cover and eagerly started to open the book.

"Why don't we leave it for later, I think your Grandma has more for you to open," Lorelai carefully teased the book from Rory's hands.

Emily nodded and handed over the next presents watching as Rory cooed and squealed in excitement with each gift she opened. Emily was upset that she couldn't give Rory everything she had bought but she was relieved that their revised selection had gone down well. She smiled widely as unprompted Rory slid off the couch and ran to her giving her a big warm hug. She held the child, drinking in her smell and the closeness. It lasted mere seconds, as Rory pulled away so she could hug Richard. Those few moments were just not enough. She tried to keep her smile wide as she turned to face her daughter and handed three small parcels to her. "Lorelai, these are for you."

"Thanks Mom," Lorelai stared at the presents warily for a moment before her curiosity got the better of her and began to open her gifts. A nostalgic smile pulled on her face as she opened the first gift to reveal a box of her favourite Belgian chocolates. It morphed into one of bemusement as she opened the box containing a pretty silk scarf and then fell when she opened her final gift.

"It's a credit note for Damien's," Emily explained quickly, nervously picking at the hem of her sleeve, she could see that Lorelai was trying to decide how to react to the gift, her daughter's eyes kept flicking to her own daughter and it was clear to Emily that the only reason that Lorelai hadn't erupted was because her daughter was in the room. "I thought that with your new job, as you are now customer facing, you would require appropriate clothing; I know it can take a while to accumulate a good selection. As I didn't know what your dress code was I thought that you could go and choose it yourself." She fixed a hopeful smile on her face.

A glimmer of gratitude flashed across Lorelai's face. "Mom, I appreciate it, but it's too much."

"It's what one of your father's suits costs," Emily stated simply. "You could use it for whatever you need, it's up to you but the intention was for work attire," she glanced nervously at Richard.

"WOW!" Rory stated loudly as she took in the amount on the Credit note neatly folded in the small red gift box. "That's a lot of money Mommy," the little girl took the paper and studied it.

"It is, your grandparents have been very generous," Lorelai gave her parents a weak smile.

Rory looked at her mother with a curious expression. "If you don't want it Mommy you could give it to Na…Mia for the medsin."

Emily blanched, Lorelai had clearly asked Rory to not refer to Mia as Nana, for which she was grateful but it still didn't erase the fact that someone else got to spend time with her granddaughter instead of her. She closed her eyes and took a calming breath before she looked up at Lorelai. She could see Lorelai was struggling with how to respond to Rory, her cheeks were flushed and she had closed her eyes meaning that it was impossible to tell if the colour change was due to embarrassment or anger.

"Sweets," Lorelai opened her eyes and looked at her daughter. "Why don't you go speak to Sandrine and get our bag so you can give your grandparents their present."

"Yeah!" Rory's face lit up in delight and tiny child raced off in search of the maid.

Lorelai sighed heavily and looked at her parents, her face taught with defiant pride. "Go on then, let's have it, I can see your dying to say it."

"Lorelai," Emily shook her head trying to dismiss her concerns, "There is…"

"Rory is still covered on our medical insurance," Richard cut her off. "I wasn't able to keep you on after you turned nineteen but…"

"You don't need to do that," Lorelai scowled, "I don't need you to do that."

"Lorelai," Richard sighed tiredly. "You don't have to get yourself into financial difficulty when it comes to healthcare. If your insurance is insufficient then please let me take care of it. I'm an insurance man for God sake."

"Dad, I don't need you to do that," Lorelai repeated slowly. "My insurance is sufficient usually, it just didn't cover everything this time and it's the wrong time of the year and I had a couple of unexpected bills. I have it handled, I can provide for my kid. I don't need you to pay for anything."

"You don't need to be so stubborn," Richard matched his daughter's scowl. "Why won't you let us help you?"

"Because it's not what I want. It can't be that way." Lorelai let out an exasperated sigh. "No matter what I do you still see me as this little girl that you can tell what to do. You think you can throw money at everything and it will all be fine." She opened her mouth to say something else when Rory appeared, her face crestfallen. "Rory?"

"It's broken," Rory held out a damp torn piece of paper. Her eyes were big and filled with tears.

"It's not broken," Lorelai rushed over to her daughter "We can fix it, it's a tiny tear, We can tape it up. none of the crayon has run, and you can still read it. It's Mommy's fault I should have thought about my bag being wet, but they are still going to love it/" She kissed Rory on her crown. "Give it to Grandma."

Rory nodded tearfully and sadly approached Emily. Emily took the offered paper and a smile flushed across her face as she stared down at the picture that Rory had clearly drawn for them, a brightly coloured messy picture that she couldn't quite make the content out. Written on the top in the messy handwriting of a learning four year old were the words _To Grandma and Grandpa Love Rory_. The words had been written in felt tip pen and had bled slightly across the page. Even without the paper getting wet the page would have been a mess but it was a beautiful mess and the only thing they had ever received from their granddaughter. "It's beautiful Rory," Emily held her arms open and hugged the still tearful little girl tightly. "It's wonderful,"

"You like it?" Rory asked nervously as she pulled her face away from Emily's shoulder.

"I love it," Emily assured her.

"Well," Lorelai muttered.

Emily looked up, her heart dropped; Lorelai had had enough, and was doing her dance to get away from them. Their daughter was not prepared to stay in case the subject of the insurance came up again. Their substitute Christmas day was over after only two hours. It wasn't enough, she wanted more time.

"Rory, we need to get you changed so we can get back to the bus," Lorelai held out her hand. "Come on."

Rory went to her mother obediently and Emily straightened up, her fingers clenched slightly, wrinkling the fragile paper in her hands. "Lorelai we can take you home."

"No," Lorelai shook her head quickly, her blue eyes flashing in sadness. "I already paid for the return, it's fine Mom. We'll be fine." She turned lifting Rory on her hip before Emily had a chance to protest quickly leaving the room before anything else could be said.

 **xXx**

Emily sat on the floor in the dark in Lorelai's old bedroom. It was exactly the same as it was the day that Lorelai had left. She hadn't been able to bring herself to clear it away, in the pointless hope that one day Lorelai would come back. She had been forced to pack away Rory's nursery, once she had realised that that the baby had grown into a little girl she hadn't been able to stand having to walk past the room every time she went into her bedroom. Lorelai's bedroom was the furthest bedroom from her bedroom; she never had to walk past it. So she left it, a shrine to the girl that no longer lived here.

She ran her hand across the soft silky covers of the bedspread she was leaning against, trying to find comfort in the texture. Today had been hard, even without the argument about the insurance it showed her how far her daughter had moved from being the girl she loved, cherished and raised. Lorelai was a young woman now, her independence an absolute fact rather than a craved wish. There was nothing that Emily could do to make Lorelai come back home, no way to force her back into their lives. For all her wishing she would have to make do with the fractured visits because it was something. Something was better than nothing. Emily took a shuddering breath. It frustrated her so much that she could get everything her own way in all aspects of her life except the one she truly wanted. All she had ever wanted was Richard and their children. She had never been able to have that, maybe for two blissful years before she had fallen pregnant again and it all started to unravel. One small bubble of perfection and then no matter what she did it wasn't enough.

She looked up as the door opened; Richard smiled sheepishly at her as he crept into the room a bottle of scotch in his hands. He joined her on the floor and handed her a bar glass before pouring a healthy measure into the glasses and setting the bottle on the ground. He looked at her nervously. "I'm sorry."

"It wasn't your fault," Emily snuggled against him. "No matter what we do it's never going to fix whatever it is she thinks we've done wrong," she took a sip of her drink, gasping as the amber liquid burned her throat slightly. She rested her head on his shoulder. "I wish she could understand how much I…we love her. I just wish…" she trailed off unable to articulate her jumbled feelings of love and loss she had for her daughter and granddaughter. "Do you ever think…"

"I hope so," Richard whispered kissing the top of her head. "I hope one day she will let us back in" he took a sip of his drink. "We have her though Emily, she talks to us, she came back to the house. One day we'll have more than that." He put his arm around her shoulder pulling her tightly into his side. He took another sip of his drink, trying to hide the fact that tears were trickling down his cheeks.

Emily matched him, the silent tears on her own face illuminated by the lights of Lorelai's old dollhouse. She held scotch in her mouth letting it burn her soft palette. Silently she was praying to any deity, spirit or sprite that would listen that would make that a reality. That one day she would have a meaningful relationship with her daughter, that she would get her family back, that one day she would get the family she had always wanted.


	12. Epilogue – We End at the Beginning

**AN - So here we are the end, or the beginning. Thank you for sticking with the story, I know it hasn't been the easiest of reads. I hope you have enjoyed it/appreciated it for what it was. I'm working on a much lighter (Christmas) short story that I will post during next week which will tie into a couple things mentioned to this. I'm afraid I have head cannoned this in lieu of a proper explanation about what went on pre series. Once again, thank you so much for reading. Enjoy!  
**

 **Epilogue – We End at the Beginning**

Emily stared at the cheque, one tiny slip of paper that meant so much. The one way they had of getting close to their daughter and granddaughter. For the first time in fifteen years Lorelai needed something from them. Emily had been so shocked when Lorelai had shown up at the front door yesterday. So surprised that Lorelai had even come to them at all especially after the years of pushing them away, after the decade and a half of taking every offer of money or expensive gift as an attack on her parenting ability. Emily had never thought she would have this opportunity to get into her daughter's life. She had grabbed it. They finally had a way in into Lorelai and Rory's lives; they had a chance to build what she had always wanted. A chance at a meaningful relationship. A weekly dinner giving them the opportunity to develop and cultivate the relationship, to make Lorelai see how much she was wanted and loved.

Emily checked the dining room table one more time. It had to be perfect. There couldn't be a reason for Lorelai to get upset. Even with this monetary obligation Lorelai could still run from them and Emily couldn't, wouldn't let that happen. This was her one and only chance. Rory was almost sixteen years old. If she didn't build a relationship with her now she might never have the opportunity and once Rory was grown there would be little chance of keeping hold of Lorelai. Rory had always been the reason for contact, no matter how strained and awful it had been. It was apt that it was Rory that was bringing them together, she was the reason they had fallen apart in the first place.

Emily glanced at the clock it was nearly time for them to be here. A glimmer of panic flickered through her chest, what if Lorelai changed her mind, what if she had found another way to get the money. Emily looked into the living room, Richard was reading, trying to appear calm when she knew he was just as worried as she was. So many years of the wrong thing said, of things being taken the wrong way. Their nerves were palpable, the house felt tense. She tried to smile, tried to bring down her nervousness. Patting her hair into position she caught the glint of headlamps through the window as a car pulled up. She smiled. This was it, this was her chance. It would be tense, a relationship forced by money and the collective love of a soon to be adult bright little girl, but it was a chance at a relationship, a chance to have her girls.

She glanced at her reflection once more, her mask was in place, the mask of a perfect haughty society wife. The mask that she had that she had cultivated over fifteen years of being ostracised from their lives. The mask that had been earned through fifteen years of hard work throwing herself into every aspect of Hartford Society as she sought to fill the gap they had left in their life. Everything looked as it should. Once again she was glad of her dark eyes, eyes that hid so much of what she was feeling, that hid her nerves, fears and hurt and didn't distract from her mask of perfection. She waited until finally the doorbell rang and she smiled, she crossed to the door. Outside the two women looked solemn, their bright blue eyes flashing with annoyance and frustration. Emily swallowed forcing the smile to stay on her face.

"Hi Grandma," Rory offered weakly.

"Well, you're right on time," Emily greeted them as she stepped back to let them into the house. She tried to contain her excitement and nerves because this was it. This was the start of their new lives. She couldn't let them go again.


End file.
